Those Who Matter Don't Care"

First off, as promised, I wish to tell you that I really enjoyed my Brazil experience. Sao Paulo is a huge modern city of almost 20 million people and just as many cars. My most significant experiences involved the traffic, particularly the fact that the lanes are for cars, and the white lines are for motorcycles which always drive at least twice as fast as the cars. I also enjoyed getting my sense of direction messed up several times, until I finally realized that the sun was always in the northern sky as opposed to what I have been used to for 54 years. If you forget this fact then east becomes west, and vice versa. Anyway enought about that. The decision as to whether I will be going back is still up in the air so to speak. I'll keep you posted. Back to the topic.

Those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter. That's why I have finally decided to venture into waters that may lose me a few acquaintances, but most certainly won't lose me any friends. Not real friends anyway.

I have procrastinated bringing this topic up many times primarily because I was afraid to. I know that may surprise you, and you would be right in thinking that there are not many things that I'm chicken to get into. I suppose that's why I knew that at some point I needed to do so. Anything you are afraid of needs to be faced at some point.

So what the hell am I talking about you say? Well I'm talking about Elton John, and Freddie Mercury, Rock Hudson, and Melissa Ethridge, and if you don't get the theme yet, what about the great Liberace, the queerest of them all.

I don't know when I first realized that one of my very own fit into the same category but I think it was close to 10 years ago. At first I just kept it locked up in my closet(pun intended) but I knew it couldn't stay there. Claudette and I never talked about it although we both knew what the other knew. We just had some kind of unspoken understanding that no one was going to bring it up. That all changed about 3 years ago when one day we both got an e-mail from Michael which basically said "Hey I'm gay, any questions?"

So there it is. I said it out loud. Not that I'm ashamed in any way shape or form, but yes, sometimes I'm afraid. Afraid for him and afraid for me. If I'm honest probably mostly for me. He is such a remarkable, kind, and thoughtful young man with a solid grip on life that he probably has nothing to fear. He has build incredible relationships and finds himself surrounded by many dear friends.

But he's no Freddie Mercury and as such doesn't have the protection that somehow comes with celebrity status. I know many extreme homophobes who are also major fans of Freddie, almost as if his incredible talent somehow mitigates the stigma attached to his sexual orientation. There is no such protection for my son and that leaves me constantly nervous about how he may be treated in any given situation.

In the end though I suspect my fear is still more about me than about him. I am proud of myself in that my feelings for him have not changed in the least, and as always I would defend him with my life. I know there are many parents, men especially, that have turned away from their children in the same situation. Amongst those who have not I suspect that I am not alone in my struggle to come to terms with having a gay child, however I don't like the fact that I even struggle. Maybe confessing my inner turnoil will help.

And practice, practice, practice. I have come to realize that with most prejudices your daily habits of thought and speech can strengthen or quiet your shameful attitudes. That's why every time I use the word queer, I am referring to a 3 dollar bill, every time I say faggot I'll be talking about a bundle of sticks for my fire, and when I talk about a dyke it will be something that my grandfather built in Holland to hold the sea back. Homo of course is a kind of milk which I never drink because it makes me fat.

I encourage you to try to discipline yourself the same way. If you don't learn now, you may one day have to stare it in the face anyway, just as I did. I am actually grateful for it as I know it has made me a better man.

In closing I only care to say that I am also grateful to my son because I know that he forgives me my fears and struggles, even as I work to overcome them. He is my strength, and my inspiration

"I am as gay as a daffodil, my dear"---Freddie Mercury

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."---Robin Tyler

love
peter

"What was I Thinking?"

I got home late last night and tomorrow afternoon I leave again. Barely time to do my laundry and shave. So I'm sorry but I got nothing for you.

I'm a little preoccupied with my Brazil visit. Only my second time south of the equator. Wish me well! I'll let you know how it goes.

"With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere."---C. S. Lewis

love
peter

"What Did You Imagine?"

When I was younger.....,

I imagined that someday I would have a beautiful wife and several strapping sons.

I imagined that If I worked hard I could have a decent job that I enjoyed, and which allowed me lots of freedom.

I imagined that eventually I may have a place in the country with a few acres.

I imagined that one day I would be exceptionally fit and perhaps complete a long distance triathlon.

I imagined that at some point my big sisters would be proud of me.

I imagined the possibility of being able to travel a little.

BUT.....

It never once occurred to me to imagine that I would have 2 beautiful grandchildren living next door to me.

I never once imagined an orange tractor with hydrostatic drive.

I never imagined that I would be accepting of the swallows building a nest on top of my garage door opener

It also never ocurred to me to imagine an incredible opportunity to work in Brazil.

AND....

Hell, I'm only 54 years old and I can only imagine what is still to come.

"What God intended for you goes far beyond anything you can imagine."---Oprah Winfrey

"Imagination is the voice of daring. If there is anything Godlike about God it is that. He dared to imagine everything."---Henry Miller

love
peter

"The Septic Tank"

Definition : a tank in which solid organic sewage is decomposed and purified by anaerobic bacteria"

Doesn't that make it an anit-septic tank?

Erma Bombeck claims that the grass is always greener over the septic tank. While I get the point of her metaphor she is actually quite wrong. The grass frequently grows better and greener over the weeping bed, but the tank itself often has the opposite effect on the greenery. Especially if the tank is very close to the surface and there is not enough soil to retain moisuture and allow for a strong root system.

I had always known exactly where the tank over at the farm was located for this very reason....the grass was all dead there. That didn't really concern me that much until one day last week one of the kids asked me why there was a crack in the earth. Much to my surprise, part of the lid had moved gradually out of location up to the point that the 3 inches of soil above it was now falling through the crack. I thought I better do something about it and since I had to uncover it anyway I thought it would be a good time to get it pumped.

So I call a guy and find out it only costs 200 bucks cash and we agree on a date and time. Meanwhile I get the tank opened up expecting to find quite an unhealthy and impacted tank with the belief that it had probably not been inspected for years. I probed every corner of the square concrete enclosure and much to my surprise I could not find any indication of solid material buildup and very little floating on top. Not knowing much about septic systems at all I still came to the conclusion that everything was actually in good shape and functioning well. I clearly remember opening one up with my dad and finding that the bottom half of the tank was almost completely solid.

So to make a long story short, the guy never showed up at the appointed time and so I called him up, told him not to bother, and saved my 200 bucks. I then closed it up, added significant soil on top of it and planted some grass seed. I'm not gonna think about it for another 5 years.

So that's my story, but it's not really relevant. Hopefully this part is.

I think Erma missed the boat a little with her septic tank analogy in that I think there is a much better one. The secret to life lies in the tank itself.

All kinds of shit comes into your life as it does into the tank. We have natural organisms built into our respective systems that are intended to purify that fecal matter. It takes time and patience however. Some of the crap sinks to the bottom where it hopefully decomposes. If not then it continues to pile up and since it's "out of sight, out of mind" we're not always aware of it. Some of the crap floats on top and and as such stares us right in the face. This is scary stuff for that reason alone, but fortunately there are baffles built into the tank and into out lives to prevent the floaters from clogging up the weeping bed.

The bottom line.... Its all a matter of the size of your tank and the amount of crap passing through it. If these things are in proportion and you have a healthy system, things are gonna be ok. If you can feel the shit piling up deep down, or if the floaters are starting to cover the surface you better get some help....get your tank pumped!

And you know what else? Because your own personal tank is underground you are the only one who can assess it's condition. No one else knows either how large your tank is, or how many people are shitting in it, and as such don't ever let anyone judge you if you need some help. That also works both ways. Let's remember not to judge others for the same reason.

Oh one last thing. Just when you think you have all of lifes crap under control, someone comes along and takes a piss in your corn flakes.

"Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have the less shit you have to eat."---Anon

love
peter

"You're Probably Pushing Fifty"

If you remember this...

When I was a little biddy boy
My grandmother bought me a cute little toy
Silver bells hanging on a string
She told me it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling

My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling

Then mama took me to Sunday school
They tried to teach me the Golden Rule
But when the choir would stand and sing
I'd sit there and play with my Ding-a-ling-a-ling

My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling

Then mama took me to Grammar school
But I stopped off in the vestibule
Every time that bell would ring
Catch me playing with my ding-a-ling

My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling
I want you to play with My Ding-A-Ling

Once I was climbing the garden wall,
I slipped and had a terrible fall
I fell so hard I heard birds ring,
But held on to My ding-a-ling

Once I was swimming cross turtle creek
those snapping turtles were snapping at my feet
Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holding my ding-a-ling

This here song it ain't so sad
The cutest little song you ever had
Those of you who will not sing
You must be playing with your own Ding-a-ling

Believe it or not this is the only number one hit that Chuck Berry ever had!

love
peter

"First Things First"

You can't make a decision until you have enough facts. That's why I have to check out the climate first. After all, if you can't ride a bike or run then the decision is easy. I do appreciate all the decision making advice, especially the Chinese guys help......somthing about free naked women when I pasted into the online translator. I'm gonna go and delete him right now while I think about it.

Hope all is well with everyone. I have a smelly essay planned for saturday so check it out.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."--- Mark Twain

love
peter

"Decisions Decisions"

We, or at least I, often complain about the need to make difficult decisions. I think the very expression itself often refers to 2 different situations. In one sense when we refer to something as a difficult decision it is really about something we know we have to do, and as such is really not a decision but a required action that has some pain associated with it. Like the decision to stop smoking or to throw your kids out of the house once and for all.

Then there is the true difficult decision. One for which there is no clear answer and which includes at least 2 specific options. I suppose it could be a choice between 2 evils such as getting the cancer treatment or not, or a choice between 2 happy places such as buying your grandson his own tractor or letting him drive yours around. More aften than not though, I think the typical difficult decision has some of both, some pros and some cons to either choice.

I am currently facing one such decision and I don't really know how to go about making it. It is probably the biggest choice I have had to make since my illness, and one that will have significant impact on me for at least a year, and maybe beyond that. Do I list all the pros and cons and see which list is longer? Do I try to put a numerical value to each aspect and make a mathematical decision. Do I simply let it percolate in my brain and hope that the answer becomes clear. Or do I take the easy way out and simply let my wife decide. She had a answer about 3 1/2 seconds after I told her of the choices. Fortunately for me I have a little bit more time than that, and I know that despite the fact it seems obvious to Claudette I need to take some of that time to get it straight in my own head.

I wish I could share it with you and let you help me as well but unfortunately I can't do so at this time. Let me just say that it has some potentially tough down sides, some unmistakable cool upsides, plus....and here's the big one...other potentially major upsides. Like the possibility that it will get me out of this funk I've been living in and whining about for some time. And--- it just occurs to me that it would also give me a whole new reason to blog---maybe even with pictures!

So tough decisions are tough decisions no matter which type, but I suppose they should be readily preferred over no decisions at all. When you have no decisions left to make it's time to climb on the ice floe. Or check yourself into the seniors home where I ain't never going to go voluntarily. No disrespect to anyone but that's a decision I have already made. Hey I just had a brain wave. I think I'm gonna re-write my will to stipulate that everything goes to the local humane society if I end up dying anywhere other than in my home or on an ice floe. There, another decision made!

So please help. How do you make your difficult decisions?

On another totally unrelated note I have decided to put big Sister Cory on an ice floe. That way she won't be able to scare the hell out of me anymore. On Monday she returns from a vacation which she spent in a Florida hospital undergoing major emergency surgery. Please think of her and hope for a quick recovery. When I found out I felt like putting a few others on the ice with her, but then I quickly realized that my reaction was out of fear rather than any justifable anger, and so I put it away.

“We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."---Gary Collins

“A man without decision can never be said to belong to himself"---John Watson Foster

love
peter