"With Glowing Hearts"

Depsite all my cynicism it was kind of fun today. It was a very unique time in our house this afternoon. Roo and I have watched lots of hockey games together but I'm pretty sure that this is the first time that we sat through an entire game with Peter (who never watches hockey), Colby who cheers for the Habs and for Canada, because at one point he thought they were one and the same, and Kylie who got a bit frightened by some of the swearing. Of course we were all wired like crazy as the game wore on and after the US scored their first goal we had to promise that no one would use the F word anymore, or at least not 7 times in succession while throwing things across the room. Of course this resolve was tested with 25 seconds left in the game, but somehow we controlled our disgust that the son of a famous Canadian had tied the game.

I personally maintained my composure quite well throughout, but I had a special strategy. I simply distracted myself. That wasn't hard of course because my favorite distractions were already here. When things got tense I decided to get my hair cut. If you ever need a grounding, a reminder of the real important things in life, then put your grandchildren on the bathroom counter, hang your head over the sink, and hand them a pair of electric shears. If this doesn't work then you might as well start swearing because you're never gonna get it. It worked perfectly for me.

The mood clincher for me came sometime during the third period when Colby came over to me and asked if he could sit on my lap to watch. I can tell you truly, that when Parise scored I was of course disappointed, but not stressed. Colby was a little frustrated but he doesn't know the F word, never having ever heard it in his life! arr, arr!

When the eventual end came, it was just too cool watching Colby strutting around the room giving high fives, and talking about the gold medal record.

And for you younger readers Zack Parise is the son of J. P. who played for Canada during the famous 72 Canada-Russia series. He played well, but is perhaps most famous for getting ejected from a game for threatening to bash the Russian referee over the head with his stick. Apparently the referees skills improved significantly after the incident! Probably only Cory remembers it!

The only part of the game that somehow did annoy me was seeing Stephen Harper in the stands. I wonder how he got a ticket, why does he have to be there, and why does he get to sit beside the Great One? Did you see him come into the closing ceremony? It seemed to me that he did an Adolf Hitler imitation when he got to his seat???

And to the person who had the closing ceremeny idea with the faulty flame thing and Catriona Le May Doan....brilliant!

"Every day is a great day for hockey."---Mario Lemeiux

...and this one took me a second to grasp, but when I got it I laughed...

”To his US Olympic team - Every day you guys look worse and worse. And today you played like tomorrow.”---John Mariucci

...but this one brought me almost to hysterics. I don't think I ever took as mcuh pleasure in a quote....

”Hockey is a man's game. The team with the most real men wins.”---Brian Burke

"I am a Canadian, free to speak without fear, free to worship in my own way, free to stand for what I think right, free to oppose what I believe wrong, or free to choose those who shall govern my country. This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and all mankind."---John Diefenbaker

love
peter

"Treasure The Moments"

You never know when they'll come round again!



“There is no happiness; there are only moments of happiness."---Anon

love
peter

"National Pride"

I ain't much into this whole torch relay or "own the podium" shit because as far as I'm concerned it's more about selling coca cola than it is about national pride. I also am not a big fan of nationalism in general since I believe that more often than not it's an excuse to have a war over something instead of a reason to be proud of your country's people and their attributes.

I admit that I watch some of the stuff on TV and I always cheer for the home team but I certainly don't get stressed about it. I reserve special cynicism for the mens hockey tournament because all it really is, is an NHL all star tournament.

With such a casual attitude to all this imagine my surprise when I actually felt a little emotion last night. And imagine further that it came as a result of the womens hockey final! I jokingly mentioned before that womens hockey was the only thing I was going to watch since it was stress free. I still don't think it belongs in the olympics since there are only 2 countries in the world that are competitive but at least it is true amateur sport, with athletes who actually have to do something real for a living.

But before you think I got all broke up about our win over the hated Americans I need to tell you that I would have mourned for all of about 60 seconds if they had lost. No my emotional moment, my moment of national pride came after the game, and in actual fact came while the American women were receiving their silver medals. Unlike most athletes who are generally delerious to receive any medal, the Americans knew (you could see it on their faces) that they had in essence finished dead last. They knew that the whole tournament was about one game and they had lost. I actually felt a little sorry for them.

And it was near the end of the American part of the ceremony that my heart swelled a little. The crowd was appreciative as each of their names were announced, but when they were getting their flowers the applause spontaneously grew louder and more boisterous. They actually brought forth a few bars of the USA, USA chant. I know there were probably quite a few Anericams in the stands but the ovation they received was clearly from all the fans in the arena, and clearly a sincere gesture. You could see the spirits of the Americans lift with the acknowledgment they received from the crowd.

I don't know if we would have been as gracious if we had lost the game but regardless, I thought the whole display was something to be proud of. I am glad to live in a country that's known for it's diversity and it's decency. To me that's a whole lot more importnat than how many medals you win, or how much coca cola you can drink!

"A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun."---Anon

love
peter

"On Choices"

Interesting dialogue between Roo and Mary. They both profess an inability to put words together and yet I believe I understood both of them perfectly. They also seemed to be in some disagreement, but actually I think they're both right.

Sometimes we make a relatively innocent "choice" to wander a little and then end up hopelessly "lost". Why anyone makes that poor decision in the first place is a very personal thing, and generally I believe as a result of environment and/or circumstances. What is it they say? "There but for the grace of God go I" To ask why this same individual doesn't just make the "choice" to get "unlost" is a fruitless exercise. Believe me I know!

Today I was sitting with my friend Mike who has Parkinsons disease. Sometimes he will lose his train of thought in the middle of a sentence. He knows right away when it happens and today he explained it to me this way. I thought it was a beautiful analogy for my post today. Mike said that when he's trying to express something he occasionally takes a step sideways for some reason and then quickly forgets why he did so. The worst part he says is that he then forgets where he was in the first place!

And so I choose not to blame the lost sheep for their situation. I also know that only their own choices will get them back in the fold. Once we give up responsibility for ourselves or for our own situation we give up everything.

Besides, I am a totally selfish human being and care only for my own happiness!! I really don't care about the lost sheep.....or maybe I'm already one of them?

And so tonite in my own way I choose to pray for the lost sheep--or perhaps the lost souls may be more appropriate? I ask you to join me. Who knows? If we use our collective consciousness to put the right kind of positive energy out there into the ether, then perhaps we will influence just one who is currently "lost" to make some wise "choices".

“When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels”---Anon

love
peter

"On Taking Care of Ones Self"

I think we all have a responsibilty to take care of our own physical, mental and emotional health. Other then the obvious self serving reasons, if we don't care for our selves then we aren't of much use to those around us who depend on us. I generally do pretty well with the physical part even though I have had ups and downs over the course of my life. I have generally also taken care of my mental health through lots of reading (both fiction and non) as well as through various learning opportunities with my work. I find managing my emotional health the tough one. Certainly the other 2 have been, and continue to be major inputs in keeping me sane and I can only hope that they carry me through my weak emotional times.

I think that my biggest challenge is that I have "lost sheep syndrome". See! I know a few bible stories.

"How think ye? if a man have a hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?"

Whenever someone I care about is lost I head off to the mountains to try to save them. I've pretty well learned that I can't literally do so but my emotions at least still head to the hills. That's when the problem becomes two fold. Of course I stop taking care of myself, but the complication is that unlike the biblical sheep the rest of my flock still want and deserve some some attention from me. When I'm worrying I find it so hard to provide that attention and thereby suffer more for the guilt of it.

I need to take better care of myself! Maybe I just need to try being one of the sheep for a while instead of the shepherd. I think it's probably a control thing....do ya think?

"The Lord can give, and the Lord can take away. I might be herding sheep next year."---Elvis Presley

love
peter

"My Mind Won't Work"

I guess that would make me a mindless idiot!

"A wise man writes down what he thinks, a stupid man forgets what he thinks, a complete idiot punishes himself for what he thinks."---Jason Zebehazy

"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot."---John Lennon

"He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot."---Douglas Adams

"I'm a one-man idiot."---Eddie Izzard

"I've had great success being a total idiot."---Jerry Lewis

"If ever I want to amuse myself with an idiot, I have not far to look for one. I laugh at myself."---Frederic William Farrar

"If you think you know everything and think you've done everything, I know you're an idiot."---John C. Shepard

"Once you're able to look like an idiot and be OK with it, it opens up your potential."---Nicole Sullivan

"There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot."---Scott Adams

...and lastly , the theory I now live by...

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap."---Cynthia Heimel

love
peter

"Midnight Shift"

A rare weekday sleepover since Mom has to work the night shift in the dementia ward at the seniors home. That's ok with me since these 2 then have to spend the night in the dementia ward that is our house.

I think that's ok though because they seem to belong here.

I worked the midnight shift for years at the mill and then at the stamping plant, and loved them both, but this beats the hell out of those times!

And whether you're demented, or whether you live on the street, or whether you're in jail or whether you're mentally handicapped, or even whether you're some poor drug addict that the cops dragged into the local emergency ward so she wouldn't kill herself, you're still a human being and should be treated as such!!!

That little tirade was motivated by a conversation that Roo overheard between some staff and some policeman at the hospital today in relation to the aforementioned young lady. They were complaining bitterly about the waste of it all.....and no... not about the waste of a human being, but rather about the waste of their precious fucking time!! It makes me alternately sad and angry. I take some comfort in the belief that this attitude is the exception not the norm amongst the caregivers in our society. Or am I just deluded?

Enough already!

Time to go and read a few chapters of Colby's current Goosebumps novel "Say Cheese And Die Screaming"! That sounds like a good dream stimulant eh?

“Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself."---Robert GreenIngersoll

love

peter

"On Wasting Time"

Someone must know the answer to this question?

"Why does my grandson think that he has all day and then some, just to get from the car to the arena?

Does he not know that we have to get inside so that we can start skating? No, instead he wants to lollygag all the way there, wasting time checking out pretty rocks and patches of ice and every other distraction that intrigues him. Does he not know that while he's having fun, that we're not doing what we're supposed to be doing? Does he not realize that every second is so priceless it can't be wasted on any frivolous thing that happens to distract him? How does he expect to get ahead in life if he doesn't concentrate on the important stuff?

Of course that's not the real question is it?

It just occurs to me however that if I simply asked Colby the first question, his answer may also saitsfy the second. I hope that's not too cryptic for you. Sometimes my brain functions in mysterious ways.

"We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves."---Alice Bloch

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."---Emily Dickinson

love
peter

"Last Minute Save!"

I had no idea what I was gonna do for a post tonite, and then I was saved when this arrived in my inbox. And I thought I had courage!

-------------------------

"What I've Learned So Far"

Despite being one of the now almost-famous idiots, I have managed to learn a few things over the years. Some of them may seem obvious to some of you, but here are a few that have stuck with me.

I’ve learned that I have more than 6 sisters and 5 brothers, and that I can never have too many.

I’ve learned that putting an egg in a bowl of water before microwaving it in it’s shell is even stupider than just microwaving the egg by itself (although the bang was pretty impressive)

I’ve learned to enjoy living alone, but the thought of dying alone still scares the crap out of me.

I’ve learned that I am the centre of the universe, but that it doesn’t mean I’m any more important than all of the satellites spinning around me (and if you understand what I mean by that, you’re probably smarter than I am)

I’ve learned that it is much easier for me to learn something I am passionate about.

I’ve learned that worrying about something I have no control over does me no good, but I still haven’t learned how not to worry.

I’ve learned that my brothers are not nearly as different from me as I used to think.

I’ve learned that the big bad world is a scary monster when you face it alone, and that you can laugh and spit in its eye when you have people who care about you standing by your side.

I’ve learned (the hard way) that turning off a light switch does not mean there is no current at the fixture.

And the single most important thing I’ve learned so far is this:

Never assume that just because someone has judged you unfairly, that others, especially those who love you, will do the same. It took me about 20 years to figure this one out, and the price I paid doesn’t bear thinking about. I’m sure that women and people of colour and other minorities deal with the same or worse than the homophobia I was raised with, but maybe they learn this lesson more quickly than I did simply because it’s pretty tough to hide your gender or your skin colour in a closet. The good news is that the peace I’ve found, since I figured out I can be myself and still be loved, makes it all worthwhile.

“I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries” – Theodore Isaac Rubin

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.” – Mark Twain

love
Larry

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I have nothing to add except this.

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."--- Maya Angelou

love
peter

"Parenting Does Have It's Bright Spots"

"Dear Michael Rooyakkers,

I am writing to offer you admission into our MA program in September of 2010. The graduate admissions committee was very impressed with your application. You are clearly a strong student who has shown a lot of promise, and we believe that your research interests in gender, sexuality and mental health fit nicely with the work of several faculty members in our department. We would love to have you join us in the fall."
Over the next week or so, I will put together a formal offer of admission, outlining our funding offer to you. Perhaps shortly after that, we could arrange to meet. Further, we will be holding a reception for students accepted into our program in mid-March, and it would be great if you could attend and meet other applicants and current graduate students.".... yada yada yada

------------------------

The above came from the first of 3 graduate schools Michael applied to. It gives me a deep feeling of satisfaction! I think the funding comment is pretty funny....that's where they tell us how much of our money they want!!

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."---Frederick Douglass

love
peter

"It Seems Like Yesterday"

I can’t believe how fast time flies. When I was first preparing for this, I had put together a good long lecture about leaders and followers. After having some time to think about it, I changed my mind and figured it might need some more work. Instead, I thought I would just tell a few small stories from my memory to hopefully get everyone to realize how precious every moment is. Maybe you will even find them at least mildly entertaining

It seems like yesterday......when, as a member of the high school photo club, I was allowed to take home the telephoto lens for the weekend. I actually have a good collection of pics from that weekend, but this is one of my favourites. I think this was David’s bike as I would not have been riding a banana seat in high school. Peter was up to the farm for the Sunday afternoon with Peter jr. Mom and a few others were lounging on the front yard enjoying the afternoon sun. Later on, I climbed the tower with the camera and got some more great shots from a quite unique point of view.

It seems like yesterday....My brother Larry and I had a shit throwing fight while we were supposed to be milking the cows. I can’t say for sure how it started, and Larry can correct me if I am wrong, but I think it went like this. He and I had already started the milking and I was just returning from the milk house with an empty pail. At the time that I set the pail down, Larry was down beside one of the cows putting the milker on or taking it off. There must have been a small puddle of sloppy manure on the walk, because when I set the paid down, Larry said “don’t throw shit on me”. I am not sure how it escalated from there, but I do remember very clearly reaching into the gutter with my bare hand and scooping out a handful of fresh shit to throw at him. After I nailed him good, I ran and he took up the chase with a handful of shit himself. I ran out the back door of the barn and all the way round to come back in the front door. This is where dad caught up to me and said “what’s going on here” with steam coming out his ears. I don’t remember being punished except for a few stern words at the time, and Larry and I finished doing the milking together.

It seems like yesterday.....I was able to witness the miracle of birth on a regular basis, and it was just another day. I remember lots of these occasions, but one in particular sticks in my mind. It was a hot humid summer day, and one of the cows had her newborn calf out in the field a few hundred meters from the back of the barn. Dad wanted her and the calf in the barn, so he and I hooked a hay wagon up to the tractor to go fetch the calf. We got out to where they were and we loaded the calf up onto the wagon. The calf could already stand, so after we got it on the wagon, I was to sit beside it and keep it from trying to get up and fall off the wagon. Just as we started back home, the sky opened up and it poured rain. The rain was wonderfully warm and I remember feeling as if it was washing all the slime from the calf off of me. By the time we got to the barn, we were both soaked to the bone. To this day, I quite enjoy being caught out in a thunderstorm, as it brings these memories rushing back.

It seems like yesterday.....We all knew it was going to be the last day of haying for the season with just a few loads left to be brought in. In the morning, mom promised us something special as a reward for a job well done. We were given no specifics, just “something special”. After we returned to the house from finishing the last load, we were all given our own bottle of “pop shoppe” pop to drink. What a huge treat this was! I think there was enough that we were even allowed seconds. I can’t help but compare this experience to that of my own children. How disappointed they would be if a bottle of pop was considered “something special”

It seems like yesterday.....I had finished doing the morning milking with dad. I think he was still in the milkhouse washing up the equipment. I was tired and hungry and looking forward to having some breakfast. As I stepped out of the barn door, I was greeted by a huge orange sun just starting to peek out over the horizon. Even though I was only 15 or 16 at the time, I remember thinking how fortunate I was to have already finished an hours worth of chores prior to being able to watch this beautiful sun rise. Again, I can’t help but compare this experience to my own children’s. They have no idea what hard work is let alone rising at 5:45 to start. I always tell them they wouldn’t last 5 minutes picking rocks.

That’s all I got for now. Give all your loved ones a hug, because either you or they might not be around tomorrow. I will leave you with this line from a Pink Floyd song I quite enjoy. It could be construed as a bit depressing, but I choose to think of it as a way to motivate myself to not “miss the starting gun”

“No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun

And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.”--- Roger Waters

Love

Old John
-------------------------

I don't remember that bike at all regardless of whether it was David's or John's. The funny thing is I'm pretty sure I remember those shorts, and I even remember liking them. The other thing I don't remember is ever looking that young!

And since John started the depressing song lyrics how about this? I also really like the song.

"There are so many songs in me, that won't be sung,

I feel the bitter taste, of tears upon my tongue,

The time has come for me to pay,

For yesterday, when I was young"---Charles Aznavour

love

peter

"It's all Worth it"

My son thinks I'm a snot although he qualifies it by admitting he's kidding and that suits are over rated. My sister doesn't care if I'm nervous even though she qualifies it by stating her pleasure that I'm working on something that I'm passionate about. I had to work very hard today even though I need to quailfy it by admitting that in the end it was very gratifying.

Neither side of these issues matter spit however, simply because I don't need to quailfy my sense of satisfaction that my wife knows and understands that something as simple as skim milk can make me happy!! Maybe that seems trivial to you but it's what it signifies to me that gives it value. It makes me think that maybe I (we) have moved one little step closer to the ultimate standard of relationship excellence as demonstrated by my very own parents. As unreachable as that standard may seem it is one I still aspire to. I believe that one of the reasons for my continued existence in my current incarnation, is to continue my work at becoming a better partner. Isn't it really all about the little things?

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be"---George Sheehan

....and although I may not yet be where I want to be, I do know who I would call...

"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?"---Stephen Levine

love
peter

"Very Sophisticated"

Some hotels have a feeling of arrogance about them as soon as you walk into the lobby. Most times it doesn't bother me a bit to see all the high powered suits (men and women alike) impressing each other with their business speak and their cell phone chatter. Today for some reason it made me a little nervous. What would they think if they knew that I don't even own a suit? I brought my one and only pair of dress pants along with e few shirts on hangers covered in a garbage bag. My socks and underwear I carried in a small canvas Hallmark bag, and the sports jacket I was wearing I borrowed from my son.

Maybe it's just nerves. I have to faciltiate a workshop over the next few days, a task I feel woefully unprepared for. When I undertook my current assignment I knew there would be challenges since it's a little out of my comfort zone. The topic itself however(leadership development) I am very passionate about and I wish to make a difference. It's my role itself, that of facilitator/mediator/organizer of details that is new to me.

Oh well...I'm sure I'll survive. And besides I just ordered room service in this snotty hotel and it was exceptional! They had skim milk! All is forgiven.

I have a few hours still for some last minute preparations and so I better take advantage of it.

“When you suffer an attack of nerves you're being attacked by the nervous system. What chance has a man got against a system?"---Russell Hoban

love
peter

"All Blogged Out!"

Bill has left me speechless. Tonite it would just be too much pressure to follow that up. Besides, I just watched another Canadian lose something when he was way ahead and that pissed me off. From now on I'm only gonna watch womens hockey! It's boring as hell (whoa!...she just threw a plate at me!) but at least we're ususlly winning by 10 or 15 goals.

Besides I have work to do! Man I hate when that happens!

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."---Bertrand Russell

love
peter

"Happy Valentines Day"

And also Happy Birthday to my wife! Today I have a special gift for her, and I believe for the rest of you. I guess to be honest I need say that I am actually "re-gifting" it. The neat thing about this present though is that it's one I can give away and keep at the same time.

Life is a funny thing isn't it. Some things you understand, some things you don't, and some things, just are as they are. That's why I'm not going to try to analyze why my relationship with my brother Bill has wandered back and forth over the years. I'm just gonna accept that right now, I appreciate it very much for what it is.

-------------------------

Apparently Peter is running out of things to say as he needs to recruit everyone he knows to fill in his empty space for him. Hard to believe I know! Unlike peter I cannot babble endlessly so I will just ask one question and maybe all you scholars can shed some light.

My question

Why?

-are we on this earth?

-was I born into a family of 12 children?

-do some people live to be 100 and others 1 day?

-are some people stricken with cancer and others never sick a day in their lives?

-do teenagers think they know everything?

-did I have 3 children and only get to raise 2?

-do I go to work every day?

-do some people believe in god?

-out of almost 7 trillion people on earth are we all so different?

-don’t we live to be 200?

-do some people amass lots of wealth and others can’t afford breakfast?

-are some people addicted to drugs or alcohol?

- did I meet Heather?

-is Cory the oldest of 12?

-do some people not enjoy the luxury of clear vision and others do?

-did our parents settle in Canada instead of Aruba?

-do I have an old trophy sitting on my shelf that my dad won 33 years ago?

-are some elderly people left in hospital to die on their own?

-don’t I keep in closer touch with my family?

I could go on. Unlike my brother Peter I am not interested in “putting my inside on the outside”............... or have I just done that?

Love Bill

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"It takes two men to make one brother."---Israel Zangwill

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."--- Mark Twain

love
peter

"On Being Dutch"

Because I have no life when my grandchildren aren't here I was watching Olympic stuff on TV this afternoon. Despite my belief that nationalism is generally a destructive force in our world I cannot help but cheer for athletes who wear the maple leaf...even if they are really from Jamaica or China or Newfounfland. After all that's what our country is all about eh?...eh?

And I am very grateful that I live in this country. But I'm also glad to have a backup. Especially when I'm watching Olympic speed skating! I just wish they had a favorite colour that wasn't orange. A bit of trivia for you....the clap skates that they all wear now comes from the Dutch word...klapschaats.

People from the Netherlands have the reputation of being hardworking, frugal, organized, and just plain decent! In all cases I am the excpetion that proves the rule!

"God made the ocean, but the Dutch made Holland."...Anon

...and especially for my friend Sally...

“An Englishman will fairly drink as much as will maintain two families of Dutch”---Daniel Defoe

love
peter

"Grocery Shopping"

I went to the grocery store today and never talked to a soul....or a body either for that matter. It was a pretty big store and it's friday afternoon and so there were lots of people to talk to if I so chose. But if your sole intent is to get what you need and leave, you really don't need to ever open your mouth. Yes I know what you're thinking right away....Peter purposely keeping his mouth shut?! Anyway, everything is nicely identified and labelled and priced and bar coded and so on. And when it's time to pay everything is so nicely automated to get you out of there. Just scan your items, weigh your items, swipe your card, input your code or sign electronically, and even get cash back if you like! And away you go! Never talked to a soul.

If I had chosen to talk to someone I may have asked these questions.

1) What is fat free ice cream? I don't think that can be true can it?
2) What does casual eating mean? As opposed to serious eating? No, it's just a euphemism for stuff you can put in the microwave!
3) What are family favorites? Looks to me like larger portions for people who eat too much!
4) What are organic foods? The dictionary says organic means, "derived from living organisms". Is everything else derived from dead organisms?
5) And last but not least, If I was going to talk to someone at the grocery store I would ask them this. "What the fuck is a meatless chicken breast"?????

A crazy place the grocery store. Somehow it is a little bit reflective of our society in general don't you think? A place full of people who don't much talk to each other as they pass, while placidly accepting the half truths posted in every aisle!

"The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it."---Ayn Rand

love
peter

"Shift Work"

I did a whole shift today all by myself. Yup! Almost 11 hours with my grandchildren and both of them a little under the weather. But we survived and actually had a pretty nice day.

I fed them a little!

I fought with them a little!

I snuggled them a little!

And then I tidied them a little!

And now I'm tired and I'm gonna rest...in my bed though since I don't have any laurels!

"An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly."---Gene Perret

"What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure."---Gene Perret

love

peter

"Resting on my Laurels"

I don't even know what laurels are but I'm resting on them anyway! Have a great night and a great tomorrow!

"Resting on your laurels is as dangerous as resting in the snow. You doze off and die in your sleep."---Ludwig Wittgenstein

love
peter

"My Family"

Sometimes it occurs to me to wonder what people think of this unusual family of mine. My children with all of their special gifts and challenges, my siblings with all their idiosyncracies, and all those just as crazy, extended family members,(including my spouse) many of whom are closer to this family than they are their own.

When I say I wonder what people may think I don't say it in any defensive manner. I'm not worried that they may think poorly of us, I'm just really curious. Once upon a time I would have been self consciuous, or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say I would be insecure about how we would be judged by outsiders, but not so anymore.

I'm pretty sure I know what has changed for me, and why I now simply wonder as opposed to worry, about others perceptions. Certainly the humbling experience of my illness was a big factor in my attitude to others perception of myself, (I sank low enough that I simply stopped caring) but I also think that indirectly it resulted in a more robust feeling of confidence and pride in my family.

One of the wonderful things that happens to me every once in a while as a direct result of this blog is that I get moments of clarity around something that I never even realized I was pondering; moments when I realise that something has changed. This thing about my family is one of them. When I started writing today I had no idea that it was going to be one of those moments and I hope I can do it justice in trying to explain it to you.

Here it is. When I realised that I may be curious to know how others viewed us, it was because I would like to compare it to how I, myself, have recently come to view all those most dear to me. That may not seem like such an 'ahah', or such a moment of clarity, but if not, it's only because I can't find the right words to express it. Bear with me and let me try a little more. I know in my heart that for a very long time I saw my family as assets and/or liabilities depending on what they were doing or achieving, and/or what they could do for me. That is a very sad thing and when I realised with the very first sentence of my post today that I no longer look at them that way, believe me it was a "moment of clarity". I now look at them simply as my family; a family who I acknowledge I never really knew that well: a family who I am enjoying getting to know better. Sure enough I am forming lots of new, hopefully non-judgemental opinions about individual members but I think more significantly I am forming new opinions around what is clearly a remarkable group of individuals; a remarkable family. By the way, dictionary.com defines remarkable as notably or conspicuously unusual.

I think that based on that definition my family qualifies as remarkable and it simply sets me to wondering what others think? I hope all that makes sense to someone??

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable."---Wendy Wasserstein

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."---Jane Howard

love
peter

"My Name is Teresa"

And I thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings today. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Peter’s sister. Yes, another one!

I start with an admission. I’m scared to write this. It makes me very nervous to have my thoughts and ideas commited to paper (or computer). I don’t know why this is as I generally don’t have any such concerns about giving my opinions verbally. I am afraid of what people will think, how they will interpret my words. Will I come off as stupid, uninformed, ungrateful or arrogant? With the written word there is too much time to review it, to rethink it, to tear it to pieces. I rarely comment on this blog, but I have probably written a hundred of them and deleted them without posting. My wish here is that most of you will read this and then there will be some weird computer glitch and this post will disappear, never to be seen again. That allows me to deny any and all parts that may be stupid.

So this all makes me curious about other people’s insecurities. Do you have them? Do you try to hide them? Where do they come from? Why can’t I make them go away? How do they impact my life? Do we keep them secret because we are ashamed or just because we think other people could not accept them. I worry that even my family could not love me anymore if they knew some of the horrible thoughts that pop into my brain.
I have often been heard to say that I am the smartest of the family and I go with that because I wish it were true. I can say it with humour because I am pretty sure that no one takes it seriously. It’s similar to insisting for years that I was taller than my daughter, because it was so clearly untrue. This insecurity goes beyond the personal to the professional as well. If anyone discovered how incompetent I often am at work, I would be fired today and never work again. (I am pretty sure none of them read this.)

One of the other consequences of this is the constant need for validation. I need people to keep saying good things about me to assure me that my secrets are safe. I suppose the good side of this is that in trying to keep up the good appearances I might actually be doing the right thing sometimes.

I’m also afraid that if I get Alzheimer’s I will no longer be able to hide the true me and I will be alone. My bad habits will be seen, my cruel thoughts will be spoken and my rotten interior will be exposed.

As I read this, I realize that I have probably done it again. I think I have written in such a way to try to get validation. Once again I am looking for someone to say that they don’t believe that I am secretly a bad person. Even the fact that I have written anything at all is testament to this because I am pretty sure that the only reason I even considered doing this is because I want all of you to know that Peter thinks I might have something to say. (Fooled him!)

So I am going to end here and send this out before I have a chance to change my mind again. This is my fourth attempt and if I don’t do it now I expect that I never will.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."---Abraham Lincoln

Live well, love much, laugh often.
Teresa
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I told you that this guest blog thing was a brilliant idea didn't I? I take credit for all of her wisdom! After all she's my kid sister...

"I talked about becoming stupid, but I've always been stupid. Fortunately I've been just smart enough to realize that I'm stupid."---Larry Wall

love
peter

"Super Bowl Sunday"

It's the super bowl and it's sunday. That makes 2 great reasons to rest eh?

Somehow this game is representative of everything that's right with our society. Sport brings people together in a way that almost nothing else does. It's mob mentality in a good way. It's about people getting together for fun and comraderie. It's about health and active lifestyle.

Somehow this game is representative of everything that's wrong with our society. It's about selling lousy beer. It's about gambling. Its about marketing cars, and sport drinks, and all kinds of other shit to people who can't afford it. And it's about sitting on the couch instead of getting outside to get some exercise.

So I'm watching it but I'm not drinking beer. I already did my weights and went for a short run, and I promise not to buy anything they pitch.....well... my truck is getting kind of old...hmmmm?

But the super bowl is also about very old rock singers who just don't got it anymore! But I still love em anyway!

"See me
Feel me
Touch me.
Heal me."---Pete Townsend

love peter

"A day of Peace"

I spent this day with my friend Bernie and found real peace in our time together. Believe it or not these 2 old grampas spent several hours at the dining room table working on Roo's jigsaw puzzle. Between that exercise and the time spent talking about our respective spouses it was a "useful" day. Not the kind of day I would normally consider useful but that also is something I'm learning.

"Above all be of single aim; have a legitimate and useful purpose, and devote yourself unreservedly to it/"---James Allen

"Do I dare set forth here the most important, the most useful rule of all education? It is not to save time, but to squander it."---Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Have a great tomorrow!

love
peter

"Why Do I Run?"

Over the years I have heard many comments from more experienced (older) people about the wonderment of running. Usually it was their wonderment as to why anyone would do it? The generation before mine was of course much more physically active simply out of necessity. Anyone who grew up on a farm understands this. That I believe is the reason for their wonderment. Very specifically the reaction I have often gotten is "why don't you do something useful with all that energy?" While I understand this point it doesn't make sense to me to shovel out my 400 ft laneway when I have a tractor to do it. And so I run!

I run because it gets me outside in all seasons and all weather.
I run because it keeps my veins open.
I run because it keeps my heart and lungs strong.
I run because it improves my physical appearance.
I run because then I can do my other favorite thing....eat!
I run because I want to set an example and to inspire others.

But mostly...
I run because it keeps the elephant off of my chest! Just barely somedays but I'm pretty sure that it's the difference maker at least in the short term. At least until I can find the permanent answer. It is a very tenuous thing however. Believe it or not, sometimes the elephant even climbs on my chest when I'm out running and then I have to carry him with me. Sometimes this means I have to walk until I have figured out how to shift his weight a little so that I can get jogging again. I know this all to be true because I also know that if I have a good enough reason I can run all day...at least without the elephant.

What does it feel like to have an elephant sitting on your chest? Well scary that's for sure! Especially if you don't really know why he is doing so. Besides scary, it is very restrictive. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to talk! It's even hard to think because it seems like your brain isn't getting any oxygen. But most of all it is very, very tiring! And there-in lies the conundrum. If you're very, very tired how do you regularly go out and do the only thing that you know will get him off your chest for a while. Sometimes this really scares me, because what if I'm so tired that I decide I can't run anymore? What then? The elephant will probably squeeze the life out of me...slowly but inexorably.

I mention that a frightening aspect of the elephant is the fact that you don't know why he's there. I can't seem to converse with him in any language he understands. What are his needs? What does he want from me? Am I being he punished for some past transgressions? I've tried using brute force to displace him but elephants are pretty heavy and even I'm not idiot enough to continue that useless approach. I've tried puzzling it out on my own, or through analysis and research, but haven't found the answer to the pachyderm there either. No matter how I study my situation I can't come up with a good enough answer for this burden I carry. One of my approaches has been to look around at others to check their elephant status only to get confirmation that many people in tough situations don't seem to carry an elephant at all. How is this?

That would make it seem obvious that the elephant is perhaps of my own creation eh? Other than running, there are other easier ways to lighten his load but they are short term and destructive in their own right. A few beers often helps but I don't really like beer that much anymore and it only seems to cause the elephant to gain weight by the next day. And then of course there's Haagen Dazs ice cream bars but they have the added disadvantage of adding weight to me as well. I also have these pretty little pink pills but if there's one thing I'm afraid of more than the elephant it's drugs! Burying my head in a book helps too but alas, that is not a long lasting remedy either.

Yes, I live in an almost constant state of anxiety. I would be embarrassed to tell you the places my mind sometimes takes me. Items in the news make me worry about my kids..in ways too bizarre to share. I'm pretty sure I still earn my salary and yet it is a constant source of tension. For the first time in my life I am uncomfortable with my age....the ticking of the clock seems to be picking up speed! And I can give you a million more reasons for this state I'm in but they would only be more of the same....excuses not reasons!

Somehow couching this whole confesion within the metaphor of the elephant has allowed me to write the post, so forgive me if I took it too far. I can only tell you that it is a reality for me, although not one for which I ask your sympathy. A little empathy maybe and even a little wisdom if you have it...and don't say "run more". I'm pretty sure I have to do that anyway. Oh and send me an e-mail won't you? The ringing of the telephone startles me.

I have been having some heel problems lately and so today I decided that I was just going to stay off my feet and concentrate on some work I needed to get done. By 9 a.m. the elephant and I were out on John Wise Line! No walking today at least. Maybe It was because at about 5kms I ran into my wife and she proceeded to distract me! I suppose ther's a message in there somewhere as well.

But anyway....that's why I run!

"My feeling is that any day I am too busy to run is a day that I am too busy."---John Bryant

"All it takes is all you got."---Marc Davis

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."---Soren Kierkegaard

love
peter

"Love Is All There Is"

I still haven't found the courage that I didn't have yesterday and as such give you the inifinite wisdom of my next guest...
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I remember feeling alienated often during my life as my mouth got me in hot water time and time again. (Anyone remember the gathering when I came late and there was a bet going about how long I would be there before I said F@%&?) After struggling with this for some time I finally decided that I needed to mind my own business and just learn to shut up! This was indeed very hard for me and eventually I realized that I was made the way I was for a reason; to deny that, was denying something valuable and precious about me…something that I did well that needed to be done in the world. I have never since felt bad that I speak up for others when they cannot do it for themselves, even when some people think I’m a bitch!! (and I never say F@%& while doing it,,,)

I spent many years feeling guilt and shame because others have helped me in so many ways and I had so little to give in return. I tried so hard to fit in, to belong, never with much degree of success. I spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others and never quite measuring up. I could never be the truly good person my dad was, nor the absolute saint my mom was. I could never be as smart, gifted, wise, generous, tireless, adept, strong, athletic, brave, agile, successful, confident, slender, social, eloquent, competent, as others in my family. It took me a long time to accept that who I was mattered. There is only one Elly for a reason…no one else knows how to be me!!

I realized that if I walked away from my children after their dad left that someone else would take care of them. So it was that I came to realize what a choice it was to love them and myself in the process. I have learned more from my children than they ever will from me. I learned that even though I did not love more or better than others, that it was my life work to accept and give love. I have learned that trying and perseverance count. I have learned not to keep doing the things that don’t work. I have learned that yelling never works. I have learned that affluence doesn’t make you happy. I have learned to forgive, and sometimes forget. I have learned that love is all we really have…that everything else is transitory and totally out of our control. I have learned that getting along with others, loving them in their imperfection and allowing that for myself is really the absolute. I have learned that we are all really vulnerable, and that knowing that is our strength, allowing us to open our true hearts to others and risking being hurt. I have learned that anything that truly hurt me during my life, also taught me something valuable and important. Finally, I have learned that grand kids really ARE the best!

I will never be as smart as Cory, Mary, Peter or any of my fellow idiots, but I don’t care because I think that the ability to give and receive love is far more important and the only thing in life worth pursuing. I have spent a great deal of my life not having a clue what was expected of me or what I was meant to do…what I was here for….although I remember clearly Peter telling me once that I had to come and help him and I told him that I didn’t have too; that I chose to. He said that I was wrong and had to help him because I loved him…. He was right of course, making the choice to love binds us together and my belief is that’s what we are all here to learn. Thank god I still have a lot to learn!

Thanks Pete, for sharing so much of the real Pete and for encouraging that in others…we are all blessed for it!

Love, elly

Oh, almost forgot the porcupine story…We had a pickup with a box on the back with benches built around the sides for all the kids to sit on. We were on our way home from church when dad saw a huge porcupine and stopped so we could see it. I was in a snit about something and didn’t go to look, but there was so much excitement that eventually I got up to see what all the commotion was about. Of course, by this time dad assumed that we had all seen and took off…just as I got to the back of the truck. Well, you can imagine, the momentum put me right out the back…I never did see the damn porcupine, cause I was so scared that I started running for my life and actually caught up beside the truck to get dad to stop. I am still just as stubborn today, but will eventually figure it out!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!.
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And for those who don't know, she's big sister number three. I loved her post with the exception of the lie she told. I don't for a second believe that she thinks I'm in the group of people who are smarter than her! And one more time on memories..... I'm pretty sure the porcupine story took place during a sunday afternoon drive...not on the way back from church! Probably someone will disagree?

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love"---Lennon McCartney

love
peter

"False Teeth and Other Stuff"

For some reason I never noticed before that almost all of the seniors have beautiful teeth. Of course now I know why. I guess that's just one more advantage a volunteer has over those who do that stuff for a living. By the time I get there everyone has their teeth in, clean underwear on, and something on their feet, although not necessarily in that order. Of course as my guest blogger points out the real advantage of not being the person who takes care of them is the fact that you can take the time to talk to them. Every time I go there I hear something that makes me laugh. Sometime it's on purpose like when I asked Mike what he looked forward to at 83? Without one seconds pause he said, "84!" And sometime's the conversation is so serious that it's beyond funny. When I asked E. C. how he was feeling he said,

''Not so good. My leg's messed up"
"Oh yah what happened to your leg?"
"Got bit by a rabbit!. Yup, a rabid rabbit!"

He then went on to lambaste the old girl that I was pushing around for apparently stirring up the rabbits and causing their agressive behaviour. She was totally offended by this accusation and I had to step in to make the peace.

For the most part I am comfortable with my conversations but there are a few situations where I struggle a bit. The most common difficulty is when I'm uncertain as to whether the senior is talking about something that happened this morning, or last week, or 30 years ago. I have learned not to ask for clarification because it inevitably results in a vacant look. I also struggle sometimes with finding the fine line between showing interest in their lives and prying into them. They will generally answer any question you ask and as such I want to be careful not to even ask the wrong thing.

As to the struggle between taking the time to talk to the sick and elderly, and getting the job done quickly I would only suggest that long term success and gratification for a professional will be best acquired by erring on the side of taking the time. I know for a fact that Cory has been doing so for close to 40 years and no one has fired her yet! More importantly however I believe that taking care of the elderly is more of a vocation than a career and as such the spiritual aspects of the role should far outweigh the technical. Easy for me to say I guess. I'm just a volunteer with all the time in the world.

The reason for this lame post is twofold. First, I do have another great guest blog in my back pocket but I need to be careful not to use up my outside resources too quickly. And secondly I had initially planned a bit of candid sharing about the anxiety I deal with every day but then I chickened out. I tell you this because I still hope to do so if I can conquer the fear of sounding like an idiot. Yah, I know...too late for that! But there are still some secrets that would make me feel a little vulnerable. I'm gonna think about it for another day.

“Anxiety is fear of one's self."---Wilhelm Stekel

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."---Albert Camus

love
peter

"From The Chicken Ranch!"

Well, I’ve been struggling for a few days now trying to get some words down for this blog post. When Pete first asked me about writing one I was pretty excited! I hadn’t touched my blog for over a year so I thought it would get my creativity flowing. Unfortunately it’s felt like nothing but work since I started. The most frustrating part being that I had almost completed a really decent attempt, just to have it lost when the computer restarted...my own fault for not saving, I know.

So instead of attempting to rewrite the same post, which would end up coming out terrible I’m sure, I’m going to go in a different direction. I’m going to share my new experience as a student. Through some twists and turns, and some wonderful funding from the government, I’ve been able to take a course in town for Personal Support Worker. I hope to go on to nursing, but really don’t know where these roads will take me. I spent 4 months in class doing theory, which pretty much felt useless the first day I set foot in a nursing home. I’ll be honest here and tell you all that I’ve never been a big fan of elderly people....or kids for that matter. Now that I sound like a cold and heartless woman I’ll explain why. They intimidate me, in different ways of course. The kids being much more brutally honest then the elderly folks, and the old people seemingly knowing exactly what really matters in life....you know the kids kind of get that part too, don’t they? So then what happens in those in between years, when we forget how to speak out and have fun? I guess that’s where I am right now....the in-between....and I sure do feel it. It seems this course, and my kids are keeping me fairly grounded right now.

I can say that in the short time I have had the privilege of working with these folks they have taught me a great deal about patience and humility. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve put on their shoes before their underwear. I’ve put in dentures upside down. I’ve even asked a blind man if he wanted to sit by the window and look outside at the snow. I was mortified of course, but he laughed and said “You know I’d love to do that....but could you turn the radio on before you leave?” I’ve been lucky enough that the only people that appeared annoyed by my fumbling efforts have been the staff. The residents were all very forgiving.

I’m honestly not sure if I’m cut out for this job. I worry about losing these fresh eyes of a student. I have time now to sit with someone who just needs to talk. Unfortunately, the staff doesn’t have that time. I’m off to a new facility this week. I had to say goodbye to a lot of people who, considering the limited time together, I felt very connected with. I also had my first experience losing a client who I cared for. It’s heartbreaking. But it really makes me realize the point of my job past the technicalities of each task. These people are in the last years of their lives. This is their home now. They deserve comfort and respect more now than at any other time in their lives.

As I re-read my post I can see that it didn’t really come together as I had hoped it would (how’s that as a metaphor for life?) But I do I hope this gave Pete another night off from the duties of his blog. Coincidently, the nursing home I was placed at is the very same one that Pete volunteers at....so I’m confident that they’ll still get some good quality company from time to time.

Cheers,
Miguette.

For those who don't know Miguette is the mother of our grandchildren and the daughter we never had. Both things for which I am extremely grateful!

John, Elly, Roo you all made me laugh today but Cory took the cake!
Does anyone else find it as funny as I do that Cory apparently has her own geriatrician? I think that's being very pro-actice don't you?

“A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture."---Abraham J. Heschel

love
peter

"Your Family Needs Your Help"

Spare your family and friends the unnecessary financial difficulties that occur at time of death.
Eliminate the anxiety, grief and expenses as much as possible.
Those you care about will be glad you did.
PLAN NOW!
Ensure funds are available to provide for your wishes.
Make the decision now so your family doesn't need to worry.
Provide extra cash for unexpected expenses.

Then in small print at the bottom of the flyer that the preceding message arrived on.

"This card is sent to inform all families -we sincerely hope it reaches no family with illness or bereavement at this time"

You're damn right they don't want to talk to anyone who's already dead or almost there, since the flyer was from an insurance company. Too late to get any money from you anymore.

But that's not my point, it's just the part that made me smile.

My point is, what's with all this guilt tripping about dying? I figure you're doing your family a favour by writing off an ongoing liability. If your family is so god-awful worried about the stress and expense of having to bury you, shouldn't they be the ones that are putting a contingency in place....putting a little aside each month. I can tell you right now my dear friends and family, that when the time comes and you can't afford to shove me in a furnace or cram me in a wooden box then tough shit for you. Do whatever the hell you like because I ain't gonna worry about it.

Which makes me wonder? What are the rules? I know you're not allowed just to dig a hole for your loved ones in the back yard but what if you just refuse to do anything. What if you just choose to leave grampa laying out on the front walk? Can they force you to give money to some third party to dispense with him in a more socially acceptable manner? Again, I say to you, if you want to find out what happens please feel free to experiment with me. Drag me out to the curb and put a garbage tag on me. I know for sure that they won't take me away without one of those, at least not in my community. Of course I'm sure you would want to harvest my brain first so that medical science can study it in an effort to understand just what the hell happened.

And while we're on the topic, I have decided to live just a few years shy of the average life span for a canadian male. I think that would have me kicking the bucket at about 75. And it just occurs to me that if I really wanted to do my family a favour, then at or about that time I would simply disappear. After all I'm pretty sure they ain't gonna spend any money looking for me and there can't be any funeral costs if there ain't no body! I rest my case. I think I'll tell the insurance company to go blow! Of course if I just disappear you'll be without my brain and I'm still pretty sure there are some amazing anomalies in there that would warrant more than a few paragraphs in some medical journal while simultaneously providing for a new entry in Ripley's Believe it or Not!

I think we should all be put on some kind of a timeline anyway. I know just thinking that I'm gonna live for another 21 years and then move on is a very soothing feeling. It's so much easier to plan. The greatest fear in my life is that I will end up dying without having spent all the money I worked so hard to get. Wouldn't that be a waste? After all, we all know it's so much more fun to spend money than to earn it, so wouldn't it be a shame to earn more than you had the time to spend?

And that's it for me. I promise another guest blog tomorrow.

A few final comments
1)John I'm glad you like the pic....I snuck it into Mary's post!
2)Anyone, who the hell is gagandeep?
3) gagandeep, you've obviously pissed Cory off somehow, so watch your back

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days"---Garrison Keillor

....and this one I send out especially to my socially conscious son Michael who I know will appreciate it...

“When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already rung"---Henry Ward Beecher

"Them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing this'll be the the day that I die"---Don Maclean

love
peter