"Snowman Weather"

We had a snowball fight as well which I won decisively! Those kids are just no match for me. We're really gonna test our grandparenting skills tonite as we are actually going to take them both to the horse races with us and then out for a late New Years Eve dinner. Wish us luck.

And that's all she wrote! Be safe and be sober out there tonite! Well be safe at least!

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."---William Shedd

"Time Flies"

The last time I was here it was with my dad. That means it was more than 15 years ago. When I realized that it momentarily left me with a feeling of melancholy, quickly replaced with a commitment to enjoy the day! After all before you know it another 15 years will be gone!

We ended up at the river in Fergus because Old John wasn't home when we went to visit him. Sorry we missed you John but we had a fantastic time by the water! I'm sure you go there many times yourself.

“Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely"---Kay Lyons

love
peter

"Hope For The Best, Expect The Worst"

I used to think there was value in living this way.
...from dictionary.com comes these defintions...

Hope...to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Expect...to look forward to; regard as likely to happen;

Pretty funny don't you think? Fron now on I'm gonna try to hope for the best and expect the best. Somehow the idea of expecting the worst, or even preparing for the worst seems like a pretty negative way to live.

“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for."---Elbert Hubbard

“Hope never abandons you; you abandon it."---George Weinberg

love
peter

"Last Minute Thoughts"

I just realized that I have to leave for the hospital in a few minutes for this sleep study I agreed to. Right now I'm wishing I hadn't committed to it but only because I know I will sleep even less than normal. The problem is that waking up 20 times in a night doesn't quailfy as a sleep disorder and as such I'm pretty sure nothing will come out of this. Oh well....process of elimination I guess. Thank goodness that Kylie has agreed to take care of Roo in my absence. Kylie also gave my head a nice trim so that they can more easily glue their wires to me scalp. Thenks Ky.

I'm gonna take my own pillow, my ipod and maybe even my teddy bear. And I had some of my home made turkey soup for supper and so that should help too. I gotta learn to eat more soup and other nutritous stuff because slowly and surely my weight is starting to creep up with my reduced workout schedule.

I hope that one of these days I get that old feeling back. I definitely need to set another tough goal. Many congrats to my friends Burt and Joe who finished 1st and 3rd in their respective age groups in the Boxing Day 10 miler in Hamilton. They also finished 58th and 72nd overall out of a field of 800. By the way, Joe is almost 60 and Burt is almost 65! Two amazing gentlemen who are indeed gentlemen! I need to spend more time with them except I get tired just thinking about it.

So that's it. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to sleep I go! Wish me luck!

"There will be sleeping enough in the grave"---Benjamin Franklin

love
peter

"Gratitude"

In todays technological age it is so easy to communicate long distance that we don't get together as much as we used to. That's why I'm so grateful for days like today!



But seriously folks. Everyone was indeed grateful for something today. Here's the list.

Jon ---being sober
Alisha ---sharing dinner with us
Miguette ---family
Kylie ---her polly pocket
Roo ---everyones health
Amanda ---the food
Adrian ---all of his brothers
Peter ---his day with Colby
Michael ---a supportive family
Colby ---family
Pete ---his son peter

A guy told me the other day that he struggled to live in a state of gratitude. While he was grateful for certain aspects of his life at various times, he just couldn't seem to hold on to the feeling. I think I undertand this and I also think that perhaps I understand why. I believe that there are 2 columns of stuff in our lives. A good column and an ugly column. When the ugly column is taller than the good one it is impossible to be continuously grateful. Both columns are partially stacked with the stuff that's going on in our lives at the moment but I also think that in the case of some people the ugly column can be almost permanently stacked against them by some significant trauma they have experienced in their lives. The only way they have a chance at happiness is to somehow dispel the saved up ugly stuff once and for all. I also suggest that the only way to do this is to bring this crap into the light of day. Easier said than done!

“Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."---Sarah Ban Breathnach

“Given the amount of unjust suffering and unhappiness in the world, I am deeply grateful for, sometimes even perplexed by, how much misery I have been spared."---Dennis Prager

love
peter

"The Turkey's Cooked"

I'm ready for our big day tomorrow. Everyone will be here this year and for that I am grateful.
More on gratitude tomorrow. I have some thoughts, I'm just too lazy to put them together.

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order."---David Gerrold

love
peter

"Merry Christmas"

To Claudette, Peter, Jonathan, Michael, Adrian, Miguette, Alisha, Amanda, Cory, Mary, Elly, Bill, Teresa, Terry, Larry, John, Stella, Betty, and David. I hope you all had as nice a day as I did.

One thing they introduced into the Catholic Mass several years ago was a brief pause during which you were encouraged to offer a sign of peace to those around you. It was always my favorite part of the whole ritual.

So today all I have to say to my remarkable family and all of their remarkable families, and to all of my friends and their families is "Peace Be With You"

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."---Peace Pilgrim

“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."---Mahatma Gandhi

love
peter

"Things That Really Matter"

At this special time of year I thought I would check out the newspaper to learn what's really important to people. Here are some examples of what I found.

1) There is a group of female ski jumpers that has been trying to get the supreme court of Canada to force the IOC to include their sport in the 2010 olympics. They contend that since the equivalent mens sport is included that as a matter of course their's should be as well. I say that just because the stupid sport of ski jumping is included at all doesn't need to mean that we should have more of it!

2) The local school boards are stressed because enrollment is going down for the second year in a row. Do they see this as an opportunity to improve the learning environment? No they see it as a competition between the public and seperate system to enrol each others students in order to maintain their funding!

3) Somewhere in Germany a trial goes on trying to convict an 89 year old man of war crimes. They can only cunduct two 90 minute sessions per day because of his health. He is actually wheeled into the courtroom on a guerney. The biggest fear they have is that he will die before they get him convicted! Would that piss them off!

4) Somewhere in Quebec 4 priests are launching a protest out of a concern that English is creeping back into the liturgy! I think this is very funny. How come they're not worried that Latin will creep back in?

...and my persoanl favorite.....

5) There is a regulation for American soldiers in Afghanistan that promises them jail time for getting pregnant and/or getting another soldier pregnant. I can't figure out how this is fair because I thought that if you were in the army you were already well and properly "fucked". I suppose that places the emphasis totally on contraception, so too bad for you if you're a catholic soldier!!!

To each his own I guess. None of that shit is of any significance in my mind other that as a source of amusement. After all I have grandchidren and tomorrow's Christmas!

"Life is too important to be taken seriously."---Oscar Wilde

love
peter

"Worth Every Penny"

This guys tuition has been money well spent. He's pretty smart and if there can remain any doubt as you read this it will be dispelled in the second last paragraph!.....


.....Hello! First of all, I am honoured to be guest blogging tonight, and I hope I don't bore you all. The goal of my post tonight is to make some reflections that are in line with my father's journey on this blog but that are from my own learning and personal perspective.

One of the running themes, I feel, of my dad's blog has been selfishness versus selflessness. When am I being selfish? And is that a good thing or a bad thing? When I do volunteer work for my own gain or pleasure, am I being selfish? When I dedicate so much time and energy to my Ironman, to myself, am I being selfish? When I'm not interested in other people's troubles because I'm too focused on my own pain, am I being selfish?

Dad said a little while ago,

"I think I've done a few things that may in the normal course of events be considered unselfish but always there has been some kind of feedback... some kind of reward. Is that truly unselfish then?"

There is an American philosopher named James Rachels who argued that there is a fundamental distinction between selfishness and self-interest. Altruism is the opposite of selfishness, not the opposite of self-interest. The main idea here is that altruistic behaviour (or 'unselfish' behaviour) occurs frequently, however it may still be self-interested. Self-interest does not negate the altruistic behaviour.

Moreover, there is a philosophical theory out there called 'psychological egoism', which asserts that we are always, in fact, motivated by our own interests. No matter what we do, all of our behaviour is self-interested. This just means, simply put, that we do whatever we want to do. And sometimes, what we want to do is to help other people. If we want to help other people then our behaviour is unselfish (because it helps others), but is still self-interested (because it satisfies our wants).

The conclusion to take away from this is that because I derive satisfaction from unselfish behaviour doesn't stop the behaviour from being unselfish. If you choose to volunteer because you gain pleasure and satisfaction from helping others, you are not thusly or consequently being selfish.

Behaviour can also be motivated by both self-interest and the interests of others. If I act both out of other-interest and out of self-interest, the other-interest is still genuine, even if it is not pure. And even if it is difficult, or even impossible, to be completely and purely other-interested (and to not be self-interested), it doesn't mean we are incapable of being purely unselfish.

There are even some that argue our own interests should always motivate us. If we aren't self-interested, if we don't do things that help ourselves and make us happy, then we can't really make the people around us happy. The people around us will be affected by our own unhappy state of being, a state in which we have very little power to help others. We need to serve ourselves in order to also serve others.

So maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Perhaps we aren't being selfish just because we do things for our own pleasure as well as the pleasure of others. Maybe being self-interested isn't necessarily such a bad thing? Perhaps accomplishing an Ironman, and focusing on one's own physical (and mental) health, does more good for others than one would believe. Perhaps being equipped with a happy and healthy self is more potent for helping to support your family and children than is being equipped with wealth. And perhaps overcoming your own pain ultimately lends yourself to being a good teacher for others. All in all, maybe we should just relax and do what feels right.

Finally, I just want to say publicly that I love my dad and I think he's the greatest, wisest, smartest person ever (yes, even wiser and smarter than you, Aunt Cory! Though you're pretty brilliant, too.) And also to everyone, on his blog my dad is always right, so it is henceforth futile to disagree in the comments section.

And that's all! Happy holidays everyone! Have fun with whomever and whatever you celebrate! I’d like to leave you with one of my favourite quotations; a small quote that I think speaks volumes:

“Let the world change you, and you can change the world.”

Peace,
Mike

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." ---Malcolm Forbes

“Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant."---Epictetus

love
peter

"It's The Real Thing!"

I learned today that you can find happiness in a bottle. While that may not surprise you, it may surprise you to learn that I am not talking about a liquor bottle. I'm talking about a bottle of Coca-Cola! Yup, it's true! You can fine happiness simply by opening a bottle of americas most recognized brand of soda pop. How do I know this? Simple. I read it on the side of a vehicle today. It actually said 'Open Happiness' next to a picture of a bottle and an opener. Of course it was a Coca-Cola truck but absurd as this incredible statement was I was even more annoyed by the circumstances surrounding the truck. The vehicle was part of an incredible travelling commercial not very well disguised as our Olympic Torch Relay. I found it almost offensive. Huge travelling billboards accompanied by logo garmented youth handing out coupons for free drinks. The olympic spirit is supposed to be about building a better and more peaceful world focused on learning about and understanding each other better. Instead we are trying to unite under corporate logos with a plan to addict us all to the idea that our salvation lies in having things and in ingesting caffeine. There is something very cancerous about our society!

Oh and just for the record. Kylie and I stumbled on the relay while on our way to breakfast at McDonalds. :) Oh my god! I need some chemotherapy or something! I have the sickness!

Also, just for the record I do not hold corporations solely responsible. The problem is with society in general. It's in our schools, and in our churches, it's rampant in our governments and in our families and homes. We as individuals and as communities have the power to decide not to be so blatantly manipulated but we choose to accept it. I guess it's easier that way.

I hope to introduce my next guest blogger tomorrow so make sure to check in. I have a good feeling. I have been promised that it will be provocative!!

"And sometimes I actually start to think human life is just as cheap to corporate America as animal life, so long as there are big profits to be made."---Tom Scholz

"Become an internationalist and learn to respect all life. Make war on machines. And in particular the sterile machines of corporate death and the robots that guard them."--- Abbie Hoffman

"When I think of Indonesia - a country on the equator with 180 million people, a median age of 18, and a Muslim ban on alcohol-I feel I know what heaven looks like."---Coca Cola official

love
peter

"I don't Even Know How It Happened"

This morning at about 5:30 am I woke up with the realization that I was right on the edge of the bed. Curled up right next to me with her head on my arms was my granddaughter. I was so surprised because she is normally over on Claudettes side or sometimes sleeping sideways with her feet in my face. It was for me such a special moment that I had to wake Claudette to see it. Even though I was only half awake myself I clearly remember saying, "I don't even know how it happened?". Of course I was referring to the specific situation and yet as I was unsuccessfully trying to get back to sleep it occurred to me that my statement could mean so much more.

After all I really don't know how it happened. I don't know how I got to be a 54 year old grampa with this little person who I call grand daughter sleeping in my arms. Last time I looked my children were that age. But I'm ok with the passage of time since it got me to this point today. Sometimes I wish I had a been as a good a parent as I think I am a grandparent but I don't really belabour it. After all I was only practicing with my own and now I'm experienced. I'm actually grateful to have an opportunity to try to apply those things that I learned. Whenever I start whining about any of the grief in my life I encourage you to remind me that I have a gift that very few people get the opportunity to experience in our modern world. My grandchildren live next door to me. Unbelievable! And to top that off both of their parents encourage them to spend lots of time with us. Given the circumstances that is something I am grateful for beyond words!!

It was cool today when I received a work call and I had to explain that the noise in the background was my granddaughter. I am grateful that I work for a company that allows me the flexibility to multitask in this very special way.



When she grows up she's gonna be a fireman, or as her politically correct brother said, a firegirl grampa! Of course she'll rewrite the standards for firegirl fashion! And just to prove that I have indeed learned something from experience I made her go pee before the leggings went on.

I tell you I don't even know how it happened but I'm glad it did.

“Time is the justice that examines all offenders."---William Shakespeare

love
peter

"Money Don't mean Shit!"

Write that on your bathroom mirror!
Write it on the inside of your glasses!
Write it in on the cover of your cheque book and inside your prayer book!
Money don't mean shit!
Sometimes It's easy to forget this most obvious reality.
Today I was reminded of it. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to remember it. Wish me luck!

I heard another really good one today and it goes like this.
"Religion is for those who are scared to go to hell! Spirituality is for those who have already been there!" Pretty cool eh?
I've not been there but today I listened to a bunch of people who have. They inspired me to try to let go a little. To try to give it up a little. To try to stop being the centre of the universe. To try to stop obsessing and start living. Wish me luck!

I'm gonna try to apply these 2 bits of advice in relation to the addict in my life. When I worry that he doesn't have a pot to piss in and not even a way to get one, I'm gonna remind myself that these are only money things. When I start thinking that somehow I can control the whole situeation I'm gonna try to let "God as I undersatand him" take care of it for a while. Wish me luck!

And yes I know that luck has nothing to do with it. I guess what I'm really saying is just keep me in your thoughts if you wish. I will try to reciprocate. Wish me luck!

"The little money I have - that is my wealth, but the things I have for which I would not take money, that is my treasure."---Robert Brault,

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."---Denis Waitley

"Luck never made a man wise."---Seneca,

love
peter

"My First Guest"

.....fitting somehow......



I may have bitten off more than I can chew here! My dad asked if I would be interested in writing a guest blog entry. Well I am honored to be the first guest blogger, I am also worried that I won’t live up to the standard set by my father’s many moving and motivating entries.

Here goes nothing!

I am a son and a father, neither of which do I believe I am very good at. I guess this is just my insecurities bleeding through my finger tips. Just the same, I believe that one day I will be better at both. I am also a couple other things. I am a friend to some and an enemy to others. I am a leader and sometimes I am a follower. I am also an addict. Well I know that my father carries no shame in regards to this. I have lots of it for everyone. I spend just about every waking moment, thinking about my addiction in one way or another. I see the things I have lost, and I see much pain that I have caused many people. I try my best to stay strong. I am not always able. Old thoughts and old habits seem to find a way to creep back in. I have slipped (relapsed if that suits you better) on more than one occasion. Now that I think about it, I am admitting to many people who do not know, two things. First, I am a drug addict. Secondly, I am admitting that I have not been successful, in staying sober over the last three years. December 19th (today) would have been my three year sobriety date. Again, lots of guilt and shame surrounding that. My father, in all his wisdom tells me that “shame and guilt have no value.” I am sure he’s right, he usually is. Not because he’s one of those assholes who think they are always right, but because he is a very intelligent human being (he may be a bit of an asshole, but those two things are not related). I strive to be more like him. Mostly because if I can be like him, I think my son will want to be just like me. I try to pretend that I have some great knowledge or life lesson to share with the world. I am not sure if I know any more or less than anyone else. Only time will tell. I wish all of you the best of luck to all of you on your life’s journeys.

I will end with this. They are my only real words of wisdom.

If you ever find yourself questioning a decision you are making, whether it is morally right, or wrong, find a three year old child, ask them. The only innocence left in the world is our youngest children. The rest of us have been polluted. We have had our realities distorted by hardships and lies. I wish I was three again.

love
peter jr.

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday."---Jonathan Swift

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves."---Peter McWilliams

“It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution"---Oscar Wilde

love
peter

"A Pictures Worth a Thousand Words"

"Momma used to say, "life is like a box of chocolates".

"It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons."---Friedrich von Schiller

love
peter

"In the News"

i read a story in the paper the other day about a child who wandered away from his home and was lost in the woods for 2 days. He was eventually found but then died in hospital as a result of hypothermia. I'm not 100 percent sure but I believe he was autustic or in some other way handicapped. When I read this all I could think about is how his parents must have felt for those 2 days. Can you imagine the feelings of guilt even though I'm sure they were blameless. Can you imagine the anguish at not being able to comfort their child in his suffering? Can you imagine the anxiety, the anticipation of the phone call that would eventually come? How terribly powerless they must have felt.

...and that's all I got ta say about that....

"What we actually learn from any given set of circumstances determines whether we become increasingly powerless or more powerful"---Blaine Lee

love
peter

"Meet Phil"

I did...while out running by the psych today. He was probably 65 years old, in a wheelchair and clearly a resident of the facility. He called out to me when I was still 50 feet away from him but because I was running I really didn't pay much attention. I don't like to stop for anyone and particularly not at the hospital where you can meet some very unique personalities. And so I prepared to give him a courteous brushoff. For some reason when I got closer there was something about the expression on his face that had me rethink that plan. What the hell I said to myself. If I could not afford to take 10 seconds out of my life to acknowledge this harmless old gentlemen who clearly just wanted to say hello, then I had something wrong. And so I stopped. It was at this point that I realized that despite the fact that it was minus 8 with a major wind chill, his coat wasn't buttoned up, and he wore neither hat nor gloves. I introduced myself and then in our small talk suggested that it was pretty cold out. He gripped my hand firmly, smiled a crooked smile and said, "no sonny it's all in your head". Of course my first reaction was that I wasn't the one living in a psychiatric hospital and as such how could I have the problem in my head? As soon as I trotted away I realized that he was absolutely correct. I know that it was freaking cold outside and I know that there's all kinds of other tough stuff in life, but whatever it is, the fact remains that your attitude in response to this "stuff" is "all in your head sonny!"

Thanks Phil!

I've also been thinking about this "Just For Today" idea of doing someone a good turn without being found out. I wracked my brain and can honestly say that I have no memory of ever having done this in my entire life. I think I've done a few things that may in the normal course of events be considered unselfish but always there has been some kind of feedback...some kind of reward. Is that truly unselfish then? And aren't we as humans programmed to need some kind of positive reward for our behaviour? Think about this. Would Mother Teresa still be Mother Teresa if she kept all of her wonderfullness hidden from the world. And what about that Jesus guy? How hard did he try to go around incognito? And if you really want to mess up your mind think about this. How could we find out if anyone in the whole world every managed this anonymous do-gooding because no one could admit it or even get caught at it without undoing it. And to take that one step further how can anyone even suggest that there is some kind of personal gratification in the act since no one can ever talk about it? Whoa! I'm getting dizzy! I think I'm gonna give it a try however and you'll just have to read my face to see if it had any effect. After all, "It's all in my mind!"

"The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation."---William Hutton

"As I give to the world, so the world will give to me."---Kenneth L. Holmes

love
peter

"Willing to Give"

I had a very good day today. I faced a personal challenge and came out of it satisfied. For the first time in many moons I feel like I have some energy to spare and I wish to share it. Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you. Well except for you Claudette!.....just kidding dear!

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."---Kahlil Gibran

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it."---Albert Einstein

love
peter

"Just For Today"

Whatever new thing you involve yourself in always seems to bring new learning not necessarily related to your initial intent. I give you this. I don't know who wrote it but I wish that I did!

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

And I'm gonna start all that stuff first thing tomorrow!

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning."--- Albert Einstein

"One today is worth two tomorrows"---Benjamin Franklin

love
peter

"Osteoradionecrosis"

Holy cow! What the hell is that? I heard that word for the second time in my life on friday even though I have absolutely no recall of the first time. That first time was a little more than 2 years ago when Roo and I were busy learning a whole lot of new words. We knew there was some danger to my teeth because of the radiation treatments but only now do I understand it better. My first thought when I asked for and received a good explanation was, why didn't they tell me this before? But I quickly realized that I probably just didn't listen too well the first time. I was too busy absorbing the big "C" word.

Anyway, it is because of this osteoradionecrosis stuff that they get a bit obsessed about taking care of your teeth. When they radiate any bone it loses a lot of it's natural ability to repair itself. Because radiation works to destroy cancerous cells through the deprivation of oxygen and vital nutrients, it inevitably destroys normal cells as well, damaging small arteries and reducing circulation to the area of the mandible. If this radiated bone then undergoes any other trauma including something as minor as a tooth extraction it could result in this condition. It has the potential to be extremelty serious and could even include a return of the original malignancy.

The good news is that my teeth show no sign of deterioration despite the fact that I have carelesly stopped doing my daily fluoride treatment. Even though I don't live in daily fear of this problem or of any other reccurrence I think maybe I'll get back to the fluoride anyway.

And that's your biology lesson for the day. If there were any errors or ommissions I expect that her holiness will correect me.

....I'm working on doing more of the first and less of the latter...

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."---Dorothy Parker

...and this one I liked...

“The man with a toothache thinks everyone happy whose teeth are sound. The poverty-stricken man makes the same mistake about the rich man."---George Bernard Shaw

love
peter

"Dumb Chickens"

Little heads and little brains. They function totally on instinct. Not a wonder so many of them lost their heads in the end!



I hand made this beautiful "chicken" door but they're too stupid to figure out how it works. Right now I'm trying to train them by starting with the opening only partially covered. Once they get used to that I will drop it little by little in the hopes they will adjust. From what I've seen I'm not that hopeful. I dont know if its a reflection off the plastic or what but something seems to scare them. Like I say they're not that bright.



My plan was to place one of the special self opening doors at each end of the entry tunnel, therby allowing them to get outside on nice days and still keep the wind out. If they don't figure it out I'm gonna have to relent and put a regular door on.

Then we went home and fought! I won again even if it's not apparent in the pic!



“Regard it as just as desirable to build a chicken house as to build a cathedral."---Frank Lloyd Wright

love
peter

"I'm Gonna Live To Be a Hundred"

Because I just found out that if you do so, that you can request a birthday card from the Queen! Even though that does sound a bit senseless. After all if I have to request it how much will it really mean?

While I'm waiting to get the card I'm gonna practice some good habits so that I deserve it. I'm gonna try

1)not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
2)not to manipulate situations so that others behave as I see fit
3)not to cover up anothers mistakes or misdeeds
4)not to create a crisis
5)not to prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events

That's not a very long list but at least for me a daunting one. If I can truly achieve these few things by the end of my first century I will have accomplished something. I know I will be a happier and better person.

So enough with the serious stuff. Today a friend made the comment that it was friday and therefore "bath night". The comment seemed to imply that he had a bath once a week. Boy did that take me back. I don't know if it was just us poor immigrant farmer types but I can clearly recall that saturday was bath night for the week when I was a kid. Further to that I recall that we shared the water amongst several of us...or at least the boys. We would maybe get a quick warmup and a stir between bathers just to dissipate the scum a little bit. I also have a very clear memory of Mom dumping powdered laundry detergent on my head and telling me to scrub! And it all seemed so normal to me!

And in the winter we walked 20 miles to school in knee deep snow without any mittens, and it was uphill in both directions. Sometimes I cried so long that the tears would freeze to my cheeks!

That's it y'all. Be safe and be sober. Take what you like and leave the rest.

The only thing I'm worried about is that I thought Freddie Mercury was already dead. How's he gonna send me a card?

"Who wants to live forever?"---Freddie Mercury

“Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath."---Lyndon B. Johnson

love
peter

"Nervous"

It's now 6:45 pm. I'm not sure why but I get nervous more easily than I used to. Things that in the past I would have faced with equanimity (I looked it up to be sure) , I now sometimes move into with uncertainty. I'm not sure why and I'm not even sure if it's a bad thing. It could just be as a result of a new found humility, if that doesn't seem to far fetched? When you have little regard for the obstacles in your way it's easy to be courageous. When you come to realize that your not so all powerful it's more natural to get a little nervous. Or at least that's my rationalization and I think I'm gonna stick with it. I should also make a distincation between nervousness and anxiety which I still battle at times. I'm ok with the former because usually there is an upcoming event or situation that causes it, while anxiety, at least for me, can not be contributed to a specific cause.

It's now 7 pm and I'm nervous because of a specific upcoming event. It is not too late to change my mind about attending. I have labored over this decision for the last several hours, ever since remembering that tonite was the night I had committed to. When I say committed to I'm only talking about a promise to myself. I actually had my coat on and was heading out the door when for some reason I rechecked the time, only to discover that I would have been there an hour early. That seemed like a clear message to put my coat back on the hook and sit down to watch the hockey game instead. Maybe I could even crack a cold one? My nervousness would dissipate and I would be free!

It's now 7:15 pm and I still have my coat on, the TV is still off, and I'm sitting with my laptop writing to you (no beer). Some nervousnees went away just knowing that the event was still a little ways off and again my head is telling me...don't go! In contradiction to that I am starting to sweat more but I think that's just because I still have my coat on! I'm wrestling with the decision, and as I type the words I have to smile because I'm wearing my high school wrestling jacket....hmmm. What would I have done when I was sixteen? I'm pretty sure I would have bailed.

It's now 7:25 pm and here I sit. The clock is ticking. I have to leave pretty soon if I'm going to go. Without knowing what the hell I'm even talking about what does your instinct tell you I should do? I'm pretty sure that I know. Even if the thing doesn't turn into anything useful I must have had a reason to make the commitment to myself some days ago. If I don't go I will never know what it could mean for me.

It's now 7:30 pm and I remind myself that all things are hard before they are easy. That's why I'm getting out of this chair and heading out to Central United Church! No, no, no, don't fret my friends! I'm not about to become a complete hypocrite just yet. I'm headin out the door to see what an Al-Anon meeting feels like. It just happens to be in a church basement. Wish me luck! I'm nervous!

It's now 9:45. If I said earlier that I am a little more humble than I used to be I now realize that I still have a ways to go. There is a certain element of arrogance, a bit of an attitude of superiority in the delusion that you are carrying the whole world on your shoulders; that your problems are so much more important and earth shaking than anyone else's. I didn't learn a whole lot of practical stuff at the meeting but then practical stuff is not my limitation. My limitation is my attitude, my feelings of responsibility, of failure, of fear and regret. And above all else my feelings of self pity! Some of the stories I heard tonite left me with a very strong sense of gratitude that I have so little to agonize over. Stories of siblings, children, spouses, grandchildren, parents, and stories of drugs and alcohol, and stories of pain and grief that make mine seem like a television sitcom. Crushing stories of suicide and despair. Stories of people who have no one to share their burdens other than the other poeple in the room! I would not dare tell those people of my amazing spouse, my twelve (yes twelve!) caring siblings, my four beautiful sons, my courageous daughter, and those two unbelievable grandchildren. They would throw me out of their meeting.

It's now 10:30. It's my bedtime and I have a feeling that I'm gonna sleep well. I know however that despite my current positive feelings I will still have lots of tough spots in the future. But as the alcoholics and the drug addicts say, just for today, I'm gonna be ok.

“Humility is to make a right estimate of one's self."---Charles H. Spurgeon

The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it"---Mignon McLaughlin

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be."---Ralph W. Sockman

love
peter

"Toys R Us"

So I'm at the toy store today with specific instructions from Roo as to what I was looking for. They didn't have what she wanted but I didn't mind looking around because after all it is a toy store. As I wandered around I realized that there were very few children in the place. That's natural I suppose at this time of year but without the children something else was missing as well. It took me a second to realize what it was. Pleasure! No one was having any fun. It appeared that at best people were going through the expected toy buy motions or at worst hating it. To be filling your cart with all that cool stuff and not enjoying it should be against the rules. I suppose it's a good thing that you can buy just about everything online now instead. That way people can stay at home and be miserable and alone while doing their Christmas shopping.

It seems that as long as I can remember I have heard people complaining about Xmas being so commercialized but I think that over the last 10 years it has gotten significantly worse. I don't have a problem with the commercial aspects of the holiday as long as it's fun. But buying stuff has now become more than fun. It has become a need as opposed to a want! To what can we credit this downward spiral? Well advertising of course. But we've had adverstising forever you may say. Yes but......we have not always had the internet! It drives us to need stuff we didn't even know existed let alone had a purpose for. Claudette and I used to have this running joke about the latest toy I "needed" when what I really meant was "wanted". I no longer use that one. Maybe I can't tell the difference any more?

Yup! As soon as any idea comes up off we go the our bew browsers to check out where, when and for how much we can get it. Most times we can just hit a bunch of keys and voila! It's on the way to our house. Toys, bikes, books, electronics, furniture, you name it.

Thats it for today. It's almost my bedtime and I need to order some stuff online before I hit the hay!

“Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life"---Andrew Brown

“The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow."---Bill Gates

“The Internet is like a gold-rush; the only people making money are those who sell the pans."---Will Hobbs

love
peter

"Waiting For Inspiration"

...and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. I think I'm gonna use a guest blogger one of these days. Actually that's a brilliant idea. Tomorrow though since all my guests have already left for the day. No really! I had guests! Unfortunately it was their bedtime so they had to go home.

...and this rarely works out with my grandchildren.....

"I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine."---Alfred North Whitehead

love
peter

"I'm Spent"

I spent most of the day working which is simply not good for anyone. Sadly I had to use my brain and now it's all tapped out. Actually it was pretty well tapped out when I got started so I had to function on instinct. I'm a little stressed about a meeting I have tomorrow but I'm sure it will turn out to be a good day!

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out."---Michael Burke

“Instinct is untaught ability"---Alexander Bain

love
peter

"Book Report"

For some time Claudette had been encouraging me to read a book called Beautiful Boy. It is a true story (aren't they all) written by a man who suffered through years of his sons addiction to drugs. most notably methamphetamine(crystal meth). The authors name is David Sheff who was a professional writer by trade, and so how decent of his son to give him a great story. I probably resisted reading it because I was afraid to, and I can now say with good reason. Claudette had the sense not to pester me into it, probably knowing that my stubbornes would naturally resist any idea that wasn't my own. So while I say that my fears around reading the book have now been born out, I can also say that I am glad I read it. I think it was good for me to do so despite the pain that came with it. The author shares many very personal feelings that I believe can only be understood by someone who has a child, or children in this situation. It felt good to know that my overwhelming grief and fear is natural. In his research he also discovers and provides so much support for addiction as an illness rather than an immoral condition resulting from bad choices. I am pretty sure that even as I write this there will be people out there who contest that assertion, but if I had any doubt before I read this book it is gone now. This is not a story of your prototypical, lazy, good for nothing, street junkie who just likes to feed off of society. On the contrary, or at least the author would have us believe, that his son was a very bright, very well adjusted young man until for some reason as a teenager he discovered drugs. I'm not gonna give you the big dramatic argument tonite about illness vs habit but will rest my case on the fact that invariably every professional I have ever heard or read supports the illness hypothesis. Any other conjecture would also have to conclude that many cancers, at least one type of diabetes, and many types of heart disease are not illnesses either. Of course I should warn you that your conjecture would also perhaps start me into the tirade that I promised to contain...enough said.

The one thing that I will admit is that the first steps towards the illness of addiction are indeed voluntary. The big question, and it's one not deeply explored in the book is why do people fall into a habit that they generally know will result in a destructive lifestyle. There was a moment in the book that hit home to me. The young man was entering a rehab program and in response to the question, "what's wrong with you", he said, "I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict!". The counsellors comeback....."No! I mean what's wrong with you? Drugs and alcohol is the way you dealt with it but that's not what's wrong with you". The suggestion of course is that there is a deeper underlying reason why anyone needed to take this particular road to hell. While I happen to believe that strongly, and furthermore believe that the only way for an addict to have a chance at recovery is to deal with this underlying issue, I also know that many people with similar crap in their lives do not end up addicted to chemicals. Enter part two of the equation. Some people have strong physiological predispositions to dependancy. I believe that any person with this genetic tendency who is then also burdened with some kind of trauma in their lives is an accident waiting to happen. Absolutely no different than a person with a family history of heart disease who then chooses to eat a big mac every day. In actual fact I could argue that the addict is less responsible than the heart attack victim because unlike the decision to eat at McDonalds, the addict is rarely personally responsible for the trauma he suffered.

So what did I learn from the book that I don't really want to know. Probably the same thing that the author learned through his experience. It's probably not correct to say that I learned it because at least on an intellectual level think I have known it all along but have regularly denied it. Following Sheff and his son through their painful journey made it all too clear to me that an addict is always as addict. An addict never gets cured! The very best anyone can hope for is that the addict manages their addiction such that they can stay clean most of the time. As George Carlin so elegantly put it.... "Just because the monkeys off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". The reason I need to remember this, and the reason I don't want to is so that I can be better prepared the next time someone relapses. It gives me shivers even to write that because it will most likely happen and somehow it seems more probable simply because I acknowledge the idea. Best to stay in denial eh??? Well maybe not! Unlike Mr Sheff I have 2 reasons to be prepared for the inevitable.

The authors story parallels mine in more ways than the family addiciton shit. He too suffered a serious illness during the time of his sons trials, an illness which almost killed him. It was this aspect of his story that had the biggest impact on me and even left me feeling a little less abnormal, a little less guilty. He states that his illness made life even scarier as opposed to the feel good stories you frequently hear about the new appreciation near death survivors have for life. How good to know that I'm not alone. How good also to hear him tell that over time he did come to realize a new gratitude for life as a result of his health issues.

Just for the record. I believed that addiction was an illness long before I encountered it in my own life. I hope I don't seem too obsessed about all this stuff. If so I apologize only for putting my thoughts out on the airwaves, not for having them. And also please know that writing them down is good for me. Thanks dear for the book.

What slse did I learn or was reminded of...

1) relapse is a part of recovery
2)no one...I mean no one... wants to be an addict
3)denial of reality is a very "real" sympton of the disease
4)some people get inurred to their childrens self destruction...I have not
5) no matter how hard it is, it is harder yet for the addict
6) for the parent of a drug addict nothing is scarier than the ring of the phone
7)neither a job, nor a family, nor a home nor money can make it go away
8) living with addiction means living with uncertainty and suffering
9) the sooner you accept that uncertainty the sooner you will suffer less
10)where there is life there is hope

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you"---Kurt Cobain

"Oh, what'll you do now, my blue eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?"---Bob Dylan

love
peter

"Oh Well"

Claudette tells me that my blogging has gotten pretty sad the last few days and indeed I can't argue. Even though I'd like to just for the sake of arguing. Today will be no different but please don't quit on me yet. I still believe I'll get it back. Today was about getting my glasses fixed and then spending time with my son and his children. We had tacos for dinner and then went to see the Fantasy of Lights at the park. By the time we got back home and played a little Pictionary it was our bedtime. Colby has skating in the morning and for me that means I get to go to bed at a reasonable time.

Here's the proof of our visit.



And here's the proof that the worlds most beautiful child is my granddaughter!!



“Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us, as no one in our entire lives has ever done, not our parents, siblings, spouses, friends - and hardly ever our own grown children."---Ruth Goode

love
peter

"To Be Able to See"

Is kind of a good thing. Tonite I'm grateful for it. I was about to get stressed when my brand new glasses fell apart while cleaning them, but then I got a grip. I have more glasses in the cupboard and even without them I could fake it.
I can also walk(quickly), talk(a bit much), hear(but maybe not listen), and most importantly I suppose I can still think and feel.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."---Albert Einstein

love
peter

"Inside The Box"

All of our relationships tend to develop within certain boundaries. Sometimes they are fairly clearly defined as in a typical work relationship...you are either a boss, or a peer or a direct report and there are rules around how everything works. That makes it relatively easy to work within the box created by the boundaries that you agreed to. Although a little more fluid the same goes for a marriage, the boundaries having been established through your vows.

And then there's the children. It is so easy when they are young! Why? Because the adult makes all the rules, creates all the boundaries, determines the dimensions of the box. And the kids live within it because they think they have to. Piece of cake!

Then they grow up. The problem is that they still remain your kids and as such you still want to control them, baby them, help them and influence them. Unfortunately they no longer want to do what you tell them and the boundaries of the box get all messed up. That's when the boundaries need to get re-established. In many parent/child situations that happens naturally and over time, but in certain circumstances it just doesn't go as well. I know I'm not alone with this problem. I am willing to bet that there are many people who struggle in their relationships with their adult children. Maybe even some who read this blog?

I'm gonna try real hard to redefine my box and then try to live within it. I know it's the healthy thing to do . I think it's ok that the dimensions of the box change with changing circumstances but that needs to be done in a proactive thought out way. Not on any given friday evening when the child has gotten himself in his/her latest predicament. Thats gonna be the tough part for me. When you start thinking with your heart....the rules are hard to apply.

I don't know if I managed to convey what I wanted to tonite. I feel vague and uncertain.

"Principles and rules are intended to provide a thinking man with a frame of reference."---Karl Von Clausewitz

"I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me"---Eddie Vedder

love
peter

"Mixed Feelings"

Today was a special day in the growth of our chicken enterprises. We got our first colored egg.



In case I haven't told you one of our breeds are something called Ameracaunas which lay tinted eggs. It's hard to see in the pic but it is clearly a greenish blue. Almost too pretty to break!

Mixed feelings because one of our Buff Orpingtons died in childbirth, also today. I don't know specifically why but it was an ugly sight. She basically lost part of her insides along with her offspring. Pretty gruesome.

I left her out for the coyotes. It will be interesting to see if they have recycled her by morning.

“I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them sam I am."---Dr. Seuss

love
peter

"Here's a Sobering Thought"

Not that I was drunk but while I was out and about today I met a lady who has 5 great, great, grandchildren. To put that in perspective, for me that would mean Colby or Kylies grandchidren!!! Holy cow! What if I live that long? Will they come to visit me at the old folks home, or will they be like many other extended families of our seniors(or in some cases immediate families)?---pretty well oblivious! Not that I blame anyone. All the years that my own mother spent in a home I maybe visited her 10 times. I always dispatched any guilt with the knowledge that my siblings were there almost daily. But now I admit some regret at least if not guilt. I make the distinction because guilt implies that you let someone else down, while regret implies that I let myself down. I'm pretty confident that at least in her later years my presence or lack thereof wouldn't have made a lick of difference. She suffered from Alzheimers. It is only recently as I make an effort to get to know some "old" people that I realized what an opportunity I missed. I could have gotten the same thrill at making an old person smile with my very own Mom! I know it would have been a special challenge because of her illness but in my arrogance I believe I could have gotten through at moments. I have experienced it at times with some of the residents who normally appear to be totally absent. As I write this I realize that if there be any merit to my theory than maybe I could have actually made a "lick of difference" with Mom after all...hmmm? Maybe I could have added a few seconds of pleasure to her world? Think I should feel guilty?

I think probably not. If I can live with all the stuff I put her through as a teenager and young adult then the last few years pale in comparison. Besides, there's not much value in the emotion. Even regret doesn't have any worth unless perhaps it motivates you to do something different in the future, or in some other way add value to the world. That's what I'm gonna focus on.

I'm also trying to build a sense of responsibiliy into my grand children by spending time with them. I think that the investment should pay off in that if they don't want to come visit me themselves, maybe they will at least force their kids to do so.

Towards that end Colby and I mafe supper together tonite. Guess what we had? Scrambled eggs! Made of course with our very own farm fresh eggs. It was a special moment which I decided to store in my brain instead of on a computer. That way when I get old and forget what day it is, I will still probably remember this particular supper, on this particular day, and I would be willing to bet that he will as well.

"We do not remember days; we remember moments."---Cesare Pavese

"The memory is a treasurer to whom we must give funds, if we would draw the assistance we need."---Nicholas Rowe