"It's Official"

They've cancelled our race! For some time I've wondered why the Forest City Road Race page was not updated to reflect the coming years races, and when they did update it they did not show the marathon distance. I just received an e-mail with official confirmtion that after almost 20 consecutive years they will no longer have a marathon in London. It seems that the interest has simply waned and as such they can't justify the cost and organization necessary. For the last several years they have also had a half marathon and that seems to be more appealling to the masses. After some deliberation we have decided to join the masses. I had my heart set on running a marathon together but I also wanted it to be a small local race without all the hype and logistics associated with a bigger event.

So a half marathon it is! I'm pretty sure that Roo thinks that means some kind of nice cosy training schedule from here on in but that would be a mistake on her part. It just means a different kind of training with more intense workouts...surprise!!!!

Personally I have come to terms with it as well and quite frankly I'm gonna back right off for at least a few weeks. I feel so burned out and I don't know why. It's probably mental burnout but even so it feels very real. I will still workout every day but limit it to an hour a day plus my twice a week weights with Peter. Maybe I'll kick it up again after Christmas. Maybe this strategy will also revive my enthusiasm to get back into the pool.

Actually I'm lying about any uncertainty around my lack of enthusiasm I'm pretty sure I know why I've been dragging my ass. It's because I've been feeling sorry for myself and the self induced stress manifests itself in physical ways. There I said it!

The other day Elly gave me a nice idea that I think has merit and that I'm trying to hold onto. She said that if everyone in the world would put their problems in one pile and you were then asked to withdraw those that you would prefer to own, that chances are good that you would take your own problems back. After giving it some thought I'm pretty sure I would. What would you do?......and why does that question sound familiar?

I had an original thought today as well that I wish to share. It's around the concept of tough love. I have always had it in mind that this expression meant being firm with someone you loved because even though it would be tough on them it was what they needed. Today it occured to me that the 'tough' part of the expression applies more to the 'lover' than the 'lovee' and at least in my case the reason I don't always make the right decision.....sometimes it's just too "tough"! I'm working on it.

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."---Albert Ellis

“The way we see the problem is the problem"---Stephen R. Covey

...and this unrelated one on my favorite topic...

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."---Dave Barry

love
peter

"Building Friendships"

Over the past few days I had the opportunity to spend time with a man whose history is so different from mine as to be almost unimaginable. For our paths to have finally crossed is as a result of many curious twists and turns. Ten years ago we simply moved in different circles that never came in contact. If by some strange event we would have met then, we would have had exactly nothing to discusss! As a matter of fact I think it would be safe to say that any conversation would have had only negative tones.

So what's changed? Well I suppose we're both 10 years older but that alone isn't the difference. Unless perhaps you consider that in that time frame we both finally figured out what really matters to us. And then further to that you would have to conclude that we share those newly realized values. Despite our incredibly different adult lives I think that's exactly what happened and I am grateful.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked"---Bernard Meltzer

love
peter

"DOG SHIT!"

Today I was reminded of an incident I witnessed several years ago in an airport somewhere in Europe. The rules are different there, and even though I knew that, I was still frequently surprised to see people bring their pets into public places such as restaurants or the aforementioned airport. That's why it caught my eye to see a well heeled lady marching through the terminal with a beautiful and very large German Shepherd that outweighed her by a good 20 pounds. As she was moving along with the shepherd in tow the leash suddenly brought her up short. When she turned to look at what had captured the dogs attention she quickly, and to her horror understood. The canine was moving into a canine squat! Yup...the dog was about to take a giant crap right in the middle of the airport. Well I'll tell you that the superhuman strength this woman exhibited was amazing. She literally started to drag the dog along the tiles on it's haunches in an attempt to forestall the inevitable. Alas, the only thing she achieved was to spread 3 or 4 huge logs over a distance of 5 or 6 feet. Once she got the dog back on all 4 feet, and without even a glance behind her she picked up where she left off in her march through the airport. and at an even faster pace than prior to the "incident". Apparently she was not one to hang around to deal with the embarrassment she had just undergone.

If I remember correctly I was killing time waiting for a flight and as such I came back upon the scene of the crime some half hour later. It was with some amusement and also a great sense of relief that I was not involved, to see that the dog shit had now been tracked over a strip a good 6 feet wide and 30 feet long! Because she hadn't dealt with what was initially an uncomfortable but manageable situation the result was a disaster that would require a major cleanup effort!

My analogy?

When we don't deal with our embarrassment, shame, or guilt in a timely manner does it inevitably result in a whole bunch of shit we never had in the first place??

I bet you're wondering what reminded me of this story ? What else? A dog taking a crap! In an effort to not bury my own moment of humility I need to share this with you.



Yes indeed my friends,....If you happened along Ridgewood Ave in Guelph at about 7:30 this morning you would have seen me on the other end of these leashes. "NO SHIT!" I'm glad that since I haven't lived in this city for more than 25 years I don't think anyone recognized me. The things I do that I never, ever thought I would catch myself at. Of course I didn't let the dogs take a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. I walked them up to the Baptist church at the end of the street and let them relieve themselves there. And no I did not "stoop" to the next level. The little turds that these little turds were capable of remain exactly where they were deposited. My rationale is that by having crapped at the church the resulting poop was now, "HOLY SHIT!" I'm sure that in the teachings of at least one of the worlds major religions it would be sacriliges to even think about messing with it! I rest my case! And if you don't like my rationale all I have to say is "TOUGH SHIT!"

...I selected this one because it made me laugh and it had the operative word in it...

“I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the SHIT out of me."---Anon

love
peter

"Good Night"

It's just one of those days when I literally ran out of time. It was a pretty good day though and I think that I will sleep reasonably well. It was a learning kind of day and any day you learn something should be a good day don't you think? Amongst some other less significant things I learned that Bernie's an idiot! I also was reminded of something I learned many, many years ago...that my Paula is an angel!

Oh...and 5 eggs and counting!! Woohoo!!

"I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma."---Eartha Kitt

love
peter

"The Rooster's Crowing!"

And the hens are laying! All's well with the world.
The reason those stupid chickens ars so happy is because they're so stupid! They don't know any better. They have little heads with little brains. They live in a 6 foot square house with a little, muddy, fenced in yard. And if you could see how they come running to fight over a handful of dandelion leaves you would know just how senseless they are. They function totally on instinct. Eat, sleep, lay eggs, screw or get screwed, and cluck.

All this gives me hope. If a small brain is all it takes I should be feeling better soon!

...and I know I've used this one before but today I send it out there specifically to my children...

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."---Dr Seuss

love
peter

"Lifes a Bitch!"

And then you die!
Or in my case, lifes a bitch, then you marry one, and then you die!

And the time in between your beginning and your end is filled with "stuff". Some good stuff, some shitty stuff and some boring stuff. All those self help gurus who tell you that's it's all in your attitude are just full of shit! Some days are just bad! Funny thing is that good and bad days are vastly different for different people. As an example I remember clearly the day I was told I had cancer. I remember it clearly for obvious reasons and yet I do not remember it as a really bad day. I can easily bring to mind several worse ones. When I tried to analyze the reasons for that I think I came up with an answer. It's because I felt a measure of control. They hadn't told me I was going to die and so I quickly moved into planning, organizing, strategizing, and deciding. I could do "something". My bad days are almost exclusively those when I can do nothing. When I am powerless to act!

That's not to say that attitude doesn't play a part. For me to suggest that we are totally at the mercy of circumstances would be abdicating my responsibility as a person. It's just that it's a whole lot easier to have a good attitude when you ain't hurtin. Or I suppose you could just say that right now, my attitude just sucks!

But I keep trying and I will pull through, and things will get better. Right?

I remember many of my good days were spent wrestling with my brothers in the living room when we were kids. I was always "in control" because I was the oldest, and strongest and smartest! Until of course the enevitable "that's enough boys!" came from the kitchen.. By the way, I'm still the oldest.

Anyway, now that there's no one bigger that me in the kitchen I can fight in the living room all I want, and in this case I'm not just the oldest but also the strongest. Two out of three ain't bad eh?



This is also good for my attitude.

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."---Annie Gottlier

"I not only bow to the inevitable; I am fortified by it."---Thornton Wilder

love
peter

"It Hurts So Bad"

"It hurts so bad that I can't save him,
keep him out of harms way, shield him from pain.
What good are fathers for if not these things?"...Thomas Lynch as quoted in Beautiful Boy by David Sheff

"He said he wanted heaven but praying was too slow,
so he bought a one way ticket on an airline made of snow"---Hoyt Axton

love
peter

"What Would You Do?"

Suppose that you had a place that you could go in which you could forget all your worries. A place where there was no pain, no anxiety, no stress, no fear and no heartache. What would you do?

Suppose that the painful state you were trying to escape from was intense and seemingly unending? What would you do?

Even if you knew that the relief was only temporary and that the long term consequences of going to this happy place would be extremely negative. What would you do?

If you said you would go anyway I think I understand. What I describe is I believe the situation most addicts are facing every day of their lives. What would you do?

If you are one of the tough guys like I used to be, you may say that you would resist, after all you're one of the tough guys.

But consider this. Have you ever hit yourself in the knee cap with a hammer? If not you should try it because I ask you to think about the pain you would be in and then reconsider the same question I asked earlier. If given the opportunity at that very moment to escape to the pain free place with all the long term consequences...what would you do?

Or here's another one. You're hangin from a chin up bar above a pit of alligators where you've been hanging most of your adult life. You're grip is starting to slip a little but you're hanging on for dear life because you know what awaits you at the bottom....and then a monkey jumps on your back! What would you do?

I had a little insight moment last evening when I was laying in my bed worrying about the addicts in my life and remembering the time when I was quite drug dependant myself. Sick as this may seem I momentarily wished I was back in that time so that I could justify a little morphine! It was a very real, deep in the gut feeling, and if the stuff was available to me I would have used it!! Fortunately for me (and here's where I'll get shit from Cory)the only thing I still have in the cupboard are pain patches, and they take too long to work!

Please think about my analogies for the addictive state because the next time you think about, or perhaps even verbalize things such as, "crackhead", "useless drunk", or "fat slob" maybe you will reconsider a little and be more compassionate. After all, until you've hit yourself in the knee cap with a hammer you don't know how bad it hurts. Until you've been where the addict has been you don't know how bad it hurts. What would you do?

Anyway...enough preaching for today! I'm afraid that's become one of my addictions. I actually had a fairly imformative day. I went to see Dr Yoo this morning for the last set of injections in my face and we had a really nice chat while he was sticking me. I think it was 10 times total! Fortunately I'm one of the tough guys so it didn't hurt a bit!

Anyway, I learned that there is a private firm that is actually supporting this bit of research. It is the company that makes the little device that they use to seperate your platelets in the centrifuge. It is a very simple looking, one time use device that costs 500 bucks a pop! I also learned that even if the study proves successful, that it could be years before the treatment is made available through our medical system. He will however try to talk the private firm into supporting further injections for the people that participated in the study, just to further support the conclusions. For me that would mean injection in the other side of my face. For now I will have follow up tests in 3 months and then again 3 months after that. We shall see.

I also learned a lot about saliva and sleep apnea and such. First off he explained, much to my surprise, that saliva and mucous (or phlegm) essentially come from the same glands. He further explained that radiotherapy(radiation) essentially causes accelerated aging in the radiated area and like aging the radiation seems to deteriorate the portion of the glands that create the watery saliva, but not the parts that generate the mucous. And voila...that's why I have lots of phlegm but no saliva!! Very interesting.

We also talked about CPAP, and he has little hope that it can help me. He actually believes that it may be counterproductive just because the increased air flow would tend to increase dryness even more. This is consistent with my own little home tests. Regardless he agrees that a sleep study would help to answer these questions and in an effort to prove Cory right one more time, I have agreed to undertake one. He claims that the lab in London is the best in Canada if not one of the best in the world, which will probably mean it will take a long time to get in. We shall see on this one as well.

"In the course of history many more people have died for their drink and their dope than have died for their religion or their country"---Aldous Huxley

"All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot."---Henry Ward Beecher

"Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values - and witnesses."---Franklin P. Jones

love
peter

"Feeling Sick"

For the first time in many years I have a minor illness. I have never been susceptible to colds or the flu but then again I didn't always have grandchildren. I was already a little under the weather but I'm prtty sure it didn't help when at 3 a.m. Colby sneezed right in my face from a distance of about 8 inches! I suppose it's my own fault for watching my grandson sleep but that's ok, I'll take the tradeoff.

When I look into the eyes of my grandchildren or just watch their faces while they sleep I see a peace and innocence that I can't find when I look in the mirror. And despite the fact that I can't seem to acquire the same state I am at least grateful that I have them as role models. Eventually I will get it!

I truly believe that they were sent to me primarily to teach me and I'm going to keep learning. I'm grateful to their parents for allowing me so much of their time.

Isn't it cool that children have absolutley no sense of racsim or sexism, no religious or national arrogance? How lightly we seem to take the fact that we have learned to hate each other for things like skin color, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or one of my favorites, nationality? The whole concept of these prejudices is absurd! If we would look closer at the chidren perhaps it would hit home that it took a lot of work to get so fucked up. The state we exist in as adults is not our natural state as human beings. Childhood is the natural state and we should strive to go back there.

Anyone want to go out and play?

"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today."---Stacia Tauscher

"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music."---William Stafford

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."---Rabindranath Tagore

love
peter

"I'm Ready For Christmas!"

I have my shopping all done and I didn't spend a penny! How, you may ask? Easy;I just informed my kids that if they expected something that they'd best write a letter to Santa. Also I think that this year I am gonna accomodate my wifes oft repeated wish that I don't buy her anything. Merry Christmas honey! So that just leaves the grandkids and Claudette is already experienced at spending money on them without my help.

I'm looking forward to a simple holiday with everyone together. Last year we were of course missing Jonathan but I'm pretty confident we'll see him this time around. I am working hard though to manage my expections around my children in general, whether it's related to things like family gatherings or just to the way they order their lives. I still live way too much on the edge of my seat wondering what kind of twist will come next. Oh well, when I'm dead I suppose I'll stop worrying.

Hey, I'm also ready for winter. I cleaned the garage out to make room for my truck(last year it lived outside) and I put the snow blower on the tractor and greased it. Man I'm organized! The first winter we lived here I thought I could make do with my front end loader and a blade. Fat chance! All that does is builds banks which creates a nice snow fence fot the wind to fill the driveway right back in...and then some! But a snow blower is much more fun anyway even if it is 50 years old.
Of course the pool has been long closed but I notice that it continues to leak like a sieve. I swear to god that pretty soon the things gonna become a flower bed. If it wasn't for Colby and Kylie it would already have happened.

Roos traing continues to go quite well. She ran 28.5 kms yesterday and all other workouts are also going strong. I think the combination of running, cycling and weights is gonna pay off for her. I, on the other hand have been struggling a little bit. My energy seems to be very low for some reason but I'm just trying to be patient in the hope that it will pass. Today I ran 16 kms with several little walking breaks. Pretty lame eh?

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."---Roy L. Smith

love
peter

"Blog, Blog, Blog"

Not tonite. I'm much too busy. What with my grandchildren being here and my Habs on TV I simply didn't have time.

Well actually I suppose I simply decided to do other things, like going to bed to read my book

"No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance."---Confucius

...and I really like this one...

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing"---Lao Tzu

love
peter

"The Twilight Zone"

Twilight is described in the dictionary as:

1. the soft, diffused light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, either from daybreak to sunrise or, more commonly, from sunset to nightfall.
2. the period in the morning or, more commonly, in the evening during which this light prevails.
3. a terminal period, esp. after full development, success, etc.: the twilight of his life.
4. a state of uncertainty, vagueness, or gloom.

Interesting to note that twilight refers to both the morning transition between night and day as well as that of the evening.

If this transition is indeed a period of uncertainty, vagueness and gloom then I spend some time in the twilight zone generally every morning. Nightime is a safe time because you can close everything out, the demons are hidden, while daytime seems to chase them away. It's the time in between that is a challenge. I wish I knew the answer to this problem. While it occurs to me to try to reduce the time that the twilght lasts by getting the day underway, it unfortunately seems as if the level of gloom while in the zone is proportionately opposite to the time spent there. If I take my time I can work my way through it, but trying to bull my way through means more short term discomfort.

I need to solve this!

And Elly. Up yours! I've long ago admitted I'm an idiot and so from my perspective that precludes the need for any apologies of any kind!

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”---Theodore Roosevelt

love
peter

"Amazing Grace"

While I was out running this morning I got this really cool idea for my post. For several hours the idea was percolating and even though it would probably be brief I still thought I could make it into something.

This afternoon my idea was pre-empted by other circumstances. I don't know if I've ever told you this but I have always wished that I had some talent for music. I especially wanted to be able to play the piano. Although I generally hold the belief that you can learn to do most anything you set your mind to, I also believe that if you've not received the genetic material for certain skills then your success in that area is going to be limited. Such is the way for me when it comes to music.

While I was out and about today I had the opportunity to listen to someone who clearly was blessed with the aforementioned gift. This young lady sat at the piano, without any music in front of her, and moved effortlessly from one song to another. She seemd barely conscious of her fingers literally gliding over the keys. For some reason I was motivated to go and talk to her. When I asked if I could sit on the bench with her she silently but clearly indicated that I could do so. She just kept playing through my questions only once stopping momentarily, explaining that she was in the wrong key...as If I would know the difference! In response to my question about the lack of sheet music she simply stated, "it's all in my head". I asked her if she had formal training and she told me "yes, she atarted taking lessons when she was 5 years old." For some reason I was inspired to ask her if she could play Amazing Grace. She just smiled and immdediately moved into the song. Even though we were in public I closed my eyea and let the tears run silently and unashamedly down my cheeks. This song automatically takes me back to my dads funeral, in a glorious uplifting way.

But I digress. Back to the young woman playing the piano for me. By this time I really felt that she was playing for me, as she explained that having someone join her on the bench was very uplifting for her. I think she would have played as long as I would listen. If it was a good experience for her it was doubly so for me. While I know that I will never be able to do what she does so effortlessly, for a few minutes I at least felt like I shared the experience of making music. The neat thing is that she welcomed me to come and repeat my experience another time...an offer I intend to take her up on. Her name is Lorraine.

By the way did I tell you that Lorraine has been playing the piano since she was 5 years old? I think I did. What I neglected to tell you is the reason behind the lack of sheet music. Lorraine sees only shadows...she is almost completely blind. Maybe I also neglected to tell you that Lorraine has now been playing the piano for ninety one years!!!!

Beyond my wish to be able to make music, today I wish also that I had the writing skill to share this moment with you in such a way that you would feel like you were living it with me. Alas, even if I managed to describe by half what I felt today I know that you will still be stirred and uplifted. Today I feel blessed!

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent”---Victor Hugo

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.”---Ralph Waldo Emerson

love
peter

"Shut Up And Stop Complaining"

And so I will, at least for today!

"The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak"---Baruch Spinoza

love
peter

"I Don't Like Mondays"

Now that I'm kind of back to working for a living (kind of)I'm startin to appreciate weekends again. The tradeoff is that I'm also re-learning to hate mondays. Today was monday wasn't it? So here's some monday bitching for your pleasure!

To Terry...no freakin eggs from these stupid chickens! ...All they know how to do is shit and eat!!

To Elly, no you can not breathe out through your nose! ...It is a totally closed system!!

To Cory, I had a freaking sleep study done last year but ...apparently it doesn't work on idiots!!

To Bernie, if you don't get better soon and go home I'm gonna come and kick your ass big time! ...I a1n't kidding!!

To my mother...how dare you not be here!!

To my father...same goes for you!!

To the London transit bus drivers...get real will ya!!

To all the hype about H1N1...give me a freaking break!!

To the Montreal Canadiens...pathetic!!

To the media everywhere...liars!!

To all politicians...ditto!!

To all politicians in business...I have no time for you!!

To people who don't keep their commitments...don't even talk to me!!

To all my children...NO!!

To Old John...I double dare you to give me some advice!!

"Every other day, every other day,
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me cryin' all of the time"---John Phillips

"I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."---Jane Wagner

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."---Joe Walsh

love
peter

"Coming to Terms"

I struggle with the battle between accepting things as they are, and having the guts to change them. In the old serenity prayer I suppose it would be the "wisdom to know the difference" part. As relates to this saliva thing I think I'm finally close to coming to terms with it. Two nights ago I tried the CPAP thing with the full mask with little success. I lasted about 3 hours. Last night I hooked the high tech CPAP mask up to my high tech vaporizer, again with no success. Lots of moisture but within 15 minutes I was soaking wet and coughing from the vapour. This afternoon I set up the CPAP again, but this time with the goofy nose thing but that didn't work at all. Since you have to breathe out through your mouth it dried me out instantly. Tonite I will make one last attempt with the CPAP and the full mask but if I have no luck then so be it. A week from tomorrow I go for my last set of PRP shots but I don't give that much chance of success either.

So here's the problem that I need some serenity to accept. I never feel rested. Every morning I wake up feeling like I've been drinking the night before. Frequently I get sleepy during the day. Occasionally I wonder if I would be better off if I gave up most of the exercise stuff? But despite the fact that it takes it's own toll I suspect that the tradeoff would still be a poor one. It may seem a contradiction but I truly believe that because exercise keeps my veins open and my blood pressure and weight down that it actually has a positive effect on my fatigue levels.

So like I say I'm pretty close to accepting the fact that this situation is not going to change. I think? I need to start focusing more on how best to deal with it. Most importantly I need to accept it as a physical limitation and not let it affect me emotionally. I'm sure just accepting it will help. Wish me luck!

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”---Paul Tournier

...but...

“Our accepting what we are must always inhibit our being what we ought to be.”---John Fowles

love
peter

"This Day Was Made For Me"

And I was grateful for it. Seventeen degrees and not a cloud in the sky on Nov 14th!

This is the beautiful gift I got for my birthday.
.

Everything nicely put together for the wall.

And of course a few beautiful children to share the day with makes it even more special.

I feel pretty good about being 54 years old. I have my health and my family and....well that's all I really have. Well no, actually I gots lots more "stuff" than that but I can't think of anything that really matters.

Of course I'm 54 years old and as such am re-evaluating those things that are truly important. When you're 6 years old there's still some other things I suppose. This evening Colby offered up the informtion that he can ride a motorcycle with 2 wheels. This was immediataly followed by, "Maybe you could get me one some time grampa?" And I suppose that's my fault eh? Oh well, when he's 54 or so I'll stop buying him stuff!

"Oh it's a mystery to me.

We have a greed, with which we have agreed...

and you think you have to want more than you need...

until you have it all, you won't be free."---Eddie Vedder

love

peter

"How Do I Look?

Never Mind. Don't answer that! Maybe you can tell me how anyone can possibly sleep wearing something like this? Apparently lots of people do so. I have to try something but I'm sceptical it's gonna help me. The mask is the business end of a CPAP(Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine that I borrowed from Bernie. Last night I was in a hotel and I slept like crap again.( the air is so dry) It was enough motivation for me to stop in Guelph on the way home to pick it up and tonite I will give it a serious try....even if it keeps me awake all night! Just to explain why I'm sceptical. This device will almost surely keep me breathing but that's only half my problem. The other half is to stay asleep. I truly believe that I only have apnea after I'm too exhausted to wake up anymore. Usually I wake up before that from the discomfort of the Xerostomia (lack of saliva). The machine does have a humidfying option but I've pretty well concluded that water does not repalce saliva. We'll see what happens eh?

And I have no wisdom for you tonite. If you want to read something inspirational go back and read Corys comment on yesterdays post. Reading it reminded me why Dad left her in charge, and why I'm glad of it. If you go to wikipedia and type in Nurse-exceptional you will find a picture of my big sister!

"Nursing is an art: and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter's or sculptor's work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God's spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts."---Florence Nightingale

love
peter

"Marilyn Died!"

And I don't know why but I was shocked! People get old and then they die! I had only spoken to her on 2 or 3 occasions but she impressed me with her wit and humour. Apparently she was 76 but I had thought she was 10 years younger. She clearly had a crippling disease of some kind but I never thought for a second that she was anywhere near her end. When I walked in the building there was a picture of her on a stand with a sign that said "In Memory Of..." It took me a few seconds to understand what that meant. When it hit me I started crying. What flashed through my mind was how much fun she was to talk to, and the fact I had intended to talk to her again. I guess not!

After that I had the best visit I've had there yet. I have had a few moments in previous visits when I felt a little intimidated by some of the staff. Most of them are great but some clearly give off bad vibes, seemingly meant to keep the volunteer in his place and out of their way. This feeling has kept me a little more reserved than I normally would be. Today I decided that I didn't give a shit! I was going to be myself, talk as loud as I want, push anyone around that I felt like (I mean in their wheelchairs) and go where ever it seemed reasonable to go. So when I asked Helen how she was, and she told me she had a tummy ache and would I take her for a ride in her chair, I never asked a soul. We just went for a ride. And I smiled at every staff member I seen, acted like I belonged there, and had a hoot. I was still sad about Marilyn the whole time but it was great to know that her death had given me the resolve to make this visit more meaningful.

And a half hour later I had replaced my crying with laughing. This was todays conversation with my good friend Mike.

Mike "There is one of the staff people here who's always on the go. When I ask her why she's in such a hurry she tells me how busy she is."

Me "I do that a lot too Mike. I'm usually in a hurry too, going from job to job."

Mike "Well that's just your ...ummmm...

Me "Personality?"

Mike "No."

Me. "My stupidity?

Mike (as his face lights up) "Well yes that could be it!!"

We both burst into laughter, and it felt very good!

As I look back on my visit I realize that up til now I have not been bringing that which I'm good at. I can, and will in the future, bring my charisma and my charm. If that sounds a bit arrogant no problem I can rephrase it. I can and will bring my juvenile antics and my goofy humour. I realize that I was trying to fit into what is quite a stuffy environment, instead of trying to liven it up a little. I look forward to my next visit.

The other thing that occured to me is that this is where these people live( it's their home) and this is their life. If they want to go for a walk should they have to ask someone if they're allowed. I don't freaking think so! Should they not, within reason, be in charge? Those that need to be locked up for their own good are indeed behind locked doors (literally), but that doesn't mean that everyone else needs to be locked up emotionally. I will probably get in shit at some point for crossing a boundary but first I need to find out where that boundary is eh? And then maybe we can even move the boundary?

Please think of Marilyn, may she rest in peace.

"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do things worth writing."---Benjamin Franklin

"Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again."--- Og Mandino

love
peter

"Strange But True"

One of the most unusual experiences I ever had!

Last night I was dreaming a dream, or maybe I dreamt a dream? Either way I'm pretty sure it wasn't real. Then again what' real after all? I'll tell you, that after last night I'm not so sure. Certainly the memory is as vivid as, or maybe more so than a real experience may be. I was riding my bike and I got to a point where I had to decide which fork in the road to take. The choice was made difficult by the fact that because of curves in the road I couldn't see far ahead. The only thing that was obvious with both choices was that they were difficult climbs, and I was already very tired. Somehow I picked one but very soon realized that there was no way I could get up that hill, and so I quickly made a u-turn and headed out the other fork. My second choice was even worse but I was determined to carry on regardless. Immediately around the corner I had to get off my bike and carry it. Pretty soon the road ended totally and I was forced to pull my bike with one arm while I used the other to drag both bike and my body up what had practically become a vertical cliff. It quickly became a struggle just to survive. I was getting more and more exhausted. It was only my high level of fitness that kept me hanging on but I knew it was only a matter of time.

And then!

Claudette woke me up because I wss not breathing!! I asked her to tell me what she witnessed and she explained. My breathing got more and more ragged and louder, and then gradually went the opposite direction until it stopped altogether. The surreal part was that the seam between sleeping and waking was almost nonexistent. One minute I was dreaming utter exhaustion and the next minute I'm awake and literally gasping for breath. I even remember thinking that it was the exact same feeling you get at the end of an extremely intense run. I was gulping air and hoping that my heart rate would settle down soon.

The question begs itself. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did the dream somehow trigger the apnea because breathlessness was what the dream state required? Or was the dream somehow a subconscious realization of the fact that my body was indeed running out of gas...specifically oxygen? Either way it was very, very strange! I had to get out of bed and eat ice cream until I felt better!

Analyze that if you will!!

Perhaps it was an unconscious hangover from my dream but I struggled with my tempo run this morning. Either way, I feel tired.

"We all dream; we do not understand our dreams, yet we act as if nothing strange goes on in our sleep minds, strange at least by comparison with the logical, purposeful doings of our minds when we are awake."---Erich Fromm

"Strange to say, the luminous world is the invisible world; the luminous world is that which we do not see. Our eyes of flesh see only night."---Victor Hugo

“Welcome to my nightmare. I think you're going to like it."---Alice Cooper

love
peter

"Still Learning"

Or rather not learning I guess. Just the other day I was looking at a post I made at the end of last year. I was just getting over an injury and I was speculating as to whether I learned my lesson about stretching. Well I didn't! While I hope to work my way through it I have a very sore achilles. Ask me today why I do this and I won't have an answer.

"The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn."---Henry S. Haskins

love
peter

"love, peter"

I rediscovered the joys of running in the dark tonite. It was a bit stressful because I did hills and there is not much room beside the road. The cars can't see you until they crest the hill and sometimes it scares the hell out of them. I feel bad about that. Of course I run defensively by moving over as far as a I can and by being ready to hit the ditch if necessary. The problem is that the narrow shoulder had several interruptions to allow water flow off the side of the road. You have to try to strike a balance between keeping your head down so the car lights won't blind you and keeping your head up enough to watch your footing. No more hills after dark!

I also rediscovered the joys of running with stereo headphones. I had completed my hills and was jogging home when suddenly someone jumped out of the shadows and started yelling at me. I almost had a heart attack until I realized it was just Paul Simon yelling something that sounded like "keep it up, keep it up" in my left headphone. Know the song? I had to hear it again so I started the song over, and even though I was ready for it I jumped again.

The good thing is that my hills went well. Claudette has also reported improved strength on the hills which I originally credited to her cycling. Now however I may have to agree with Roo and Peter that it could be the plyometric exercises he has us doing. Man I hate being wrong!

Every day I close my post with "love peter". It occured to me to wonder what people may think I intend with that. So today I looked the word up at dictionary.com and of the 14 entries only one came close to defining my intent.

Hey Elly. I'm pretty discriminating and I accept you easily and totally! Maybe you should too!

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love."---Don Juan deMarco

with affectionate concern for your well being
peter

"Envy"

The other day I had the opportunity to connect with a young man that used to work at the same place as I did. At about the same time as I got sick he was diagnosed with Burkitts Lymphoma, a very ugly systemic cancer most common in children and young adults. I had known about his illness, but since we barely knew each other I was not intimate with the details of his situation. When he told me his story I was again reminded of my good fortune. The stuff that he has gone through over the last 2 years makes my story seem like a trip to the corner store, or dare I say a trip to the movies?? The long term effects of his disease and the accompanying treatment are staggering. And he is hardly done with this horror story! He is about to start another round of radiation to his entire abdominal area, as much to combat the ongoing pain as anything else. He prefers not to talk about his prognosis because as he says, he proved the doctors wrong before and if necessary he will do so again. He really didn't seem to care what they told him and quite frankly he seemed to take the whole thing kind of casually. All he cared about on that given day was having coffee with us and then spending the afternoon with his 3 year old son. When I left him, that was the part of our discussion that I took away with me. He left me with a feeling of wonder as to how he could maintain this incredible attitude. I can't help but think that it's the same kind of thing I talked about regarding the pitfalls of having your whole life scripted out. I think that almost without knowing it has come to a place where he is living only for today. I hardly dare to ask this question even of myself, but should he in some way be envied?

One of the reasons I consider him innocent, almost unaware of his own remarkable attitude is because of the way he expressed concern for others. He particularly talked about how bad he felt for young children with cancer and/or other life threatening illnesses. That got me thinking again about the Reel to Real idea. Most children have no concept of the movie of their life. They have not been messed up by society and as such live completely in today. I am convinced that this explains why you see critically ill kids playing and laughing like there's no tomorrow. They have not written their plan for tomorrow and as such don't feel anxiety over the possibility of it not running to script. For them, both literally and figuratively, tomorrow doesn't exist. In this case I dare to ask the question. Should they be envied?

While I sure struggle to envy either the young man living with the ravages of his disease, or the children with the all too short life span, it at very least reminds me to never, ever envy those who have more materials things than me, or to never, ever envy those who have not had any misfortune in their lives. Although I have not yet realized all the benefits of my journey I feel like I'm getting closer. At least I'm starting to see the potential.

And I really don't think there's value in envy of any kind or for any reason.

"Envy comes from people's ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts."---Jean Vanier

...and this one I really like...

"If I am fool, it is, at least, a doubting one; and I envy no one the certainty of his self-approved wisdom."---George Byron

love
peter

"Roll the Tape"

This author I'm reading right now coined a simple but beautiful expression. "Reel to Real" he says, in encouraging you to move away from the movie of your life, to your real life. In your movie you frequently enlist other people to play parts as well. As I considered this idea I realized that it's something I do frequently in a very negative way. Anything worrisome in my life has its own movie attached which immediately starts running when I hear something with the potential for pain. My movies become so real that they actually become painful in and of themselves. Especially disconcerting are the parts played by other people since I have no control there at all. As I pondered the destructiveness of this habit it occurred to me that I need to work on directing some different movies. But wait! Perhaps that's been the problem all along? It's when life doesn't play out the way you've written your movie that life becomes stressful eh? I'm gonna try to focus on "Real" and at the same time try to stop writing and directing.

I'm not ready to stop writing my blog however since I think it continues to be good for me. Sometimes it feels like work but somehow that's not a bad thing either. All things that are good for you require some effort. Also, the more I read other peoples teachings the more I start to believe that I could indeed write a book of human interest and philosophy. The dictionary describes philosophy as "the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct." I like that! But the real reason I think I could do it is because in this search for the truth most authors either build on, or modify, the ideas of others that have gone before them. I see it as an ongoing dialogue between interested parties. Yes some poeple have a great gift for putting words together that I surely don't have, but I also believe that you can make up for some of that with hard work and ambition. Which alas, is probably the reason I'll never write it, even if I think I could. We shall see...that movie still needs to play out!!

"If a man's good for nothing else, he can at least teach philosophy."---William James

...and I like this one because I appreciate the contradiction...

"Philosophy is at once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits."---Willaim James

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."---The Dalai Lama

love
peter

"Notenoughness"

I bought a new book yesterday which was recommended to me by a co-worker. It is called Spiritual Liberation and is written by Michael Beckwith. I checked it out on line and was excited about the excerpt I read. Then when I checked inventory at the local book store I was pleasantly surprised and at the same time a little disappointed that they had several copies. Pleased of course that I didn't have to make the usual trip to London and disappointed because any book that is well stocked usually means it's something that caters to the masses. But regardless I bought it and a quick browse seemed to confirm my hope that it was going to be sincere and thoughtful Halfway through the introduction however he almost lost me for good. He referenced some kind of meditation that he had designed but went on to say that it was too complex to cover in this book.....and so....he states that the whole process can be discovered on the available 6 CD set!!! I almost closed the book right then and there!!

But, I had paid 20 bucks for it and as such I chose to go on. So far I am absolutely delighted. I will share more of his wisdom tomorrow but for today I bring you his word, "notenoughness". He says that when he sees people in a shopping mall many appear not to be looking for something they need but rather they are wandering around in a state of wanting something to want! He says we are suffering from the tyranny of trends which is blasted at us from TV, radio, newspapers, the internet etc.

At least for today I have "enough". I hope to keep it that way no matter what I have.

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things."---Albert Einstein

love
peter

"I Gotta Laugh"

I pour out my heart and share my philosophies for weeks on end and it's like I'm all alone out there. Then I talk about the stupid drive-thru at Tim Hortons and the whole world wakes up. I hope your happy Teresa and I hope you noticed that it all started when I suggested that you weren't that smart after all. By the way, I'm sure you also noticed that no one refuted my statement!

Anyway, laughing's good for me and Colbys here because it's a PA day tomorrow so I don't care about anything else anyway.

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"---Buddha

love
peter

"I Take it Back"

I was wrong! In one of my very earliest posts I made the statement that Teresa was smarter than me. I was wrong, and she proved it today by agreeing with old John.

I know I live in little old St Thomas as opposed to the sophisticated metropoli of Fergus or Cambridge but my experiences with my drive through challenge have been consistently positive and at times absolutley exuberant. This is what I got yesterday today.

Lady: Welcome to Tim Hortons may I take your order.
Me: Hello, how are you today?
Lady: (after a brief pause)....Fantastic! How are You?
Me: I'm good thanks, could I have, blah, blah, blah.
Lady: very good sir, please pull up to the window
...and after our transaction
Lady: Have a fantabulous day!
...yes she actually said fantabulous.

I believe I can tell you why something like this happens to me almost every time. To start with the very nature of the drive through routine precludes people from even expressing the inane little courtesies that they may do so in a face to face situation. Because of this fact the person at the other end is always surprised when you indeed ask them how they are. Further to that I am totally convinced that at least in St Thomas the sincerity I choose to put into my voice is actually received by the person on the other end of the speaker. I have been doing this regularly for about a month now and with only one exception I have received in return a sincere response. I can also tell you that almost without exception the tone of voice is one that suggests that they have all the time in the world. I always get the sense that the person is so grateful for a brief respite from the stupid tedium they face every 30 seconds, that they would gladly have a little chat with you if you chose to do so. Lineups be damned! This is the part that initially surprised me. I mentioned the one exception....in that particular case the young man at Arbys was so stunned that I had to ask him the question again before he responded!

My experiences have been so totally positive that I am completely convinced that every time I do this I brighten a persons day if only for 5 or 10 minutes....actually I think that some times it makes a persons whole day!!

So Teresa sorry you're not so smart anymore but maybe it will pass. At least you got your wish for a little dialogue. Lets see if Old John has anything intelligent to say in return....and where the hell's Cory?

And even though Old John isn't any smarter he is indeed funny at times. I called him today on another matter and he obvioulsy saw who was calling because he answered the phone this way. "Hey, how are you...not that I care!"

On the training front I ran amost 5 kms today in 21 minutes...slowly it comes back. I know that once I can run 5k in 20 minutes in training that I should be able to do 10k in 40 minutes in a race.

I'm really starting to enjoy Roo's training as well since she's getting to the point she's bitching about it. Woohoo!!

“All doors open to courtesy"---Thomas Fuller

“Life is not so short but that there is always time for courtesy"---Ralph Waldo Emerson

love
peter

"My Mind is Blank"

I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to you. I suppose the surprise may be that I admit it!
Only work today. No training and no inspiration. Tomorrow's another day.

Just a couple of quick things.
1)Bernie, you look great, for an old, bald, fat f&#ker who's got 52 staples in his belly!
2)Mike I love you.
3)John, you have to actually try it and then give me your opinion again. Or should I say again, and again? ..lol.. I know that's not the Rooyakkers way but I would encourage it anyway.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."---Mary Anne Radmacher

love
peter

"Welcome to Tim Hortons"

"May I take your order?"

Ok, here's the plan! I'm gonna start a "movement"

Try this next time you go through a fast food drive through. Instead of placing your order for your burger/coffee when they ask for it say, "Hello how are you today?" I bet you will be surprised. I challenge you to try it and let me know the results.

Technology is robbing us of our human interaction and we need to stop the trend. We need to start a movement.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."---Albert Einstein

"And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I saidfifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant andwalking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement."---Arlo Guthrie

love
peter

"Keeping Up With the Regniers"

I had to run 24 kms today because my siginficant other did so on friday, but I didn't really enjoy it. For some reason I have been struggling a little for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it's just mental or if I have a touch of the flu? I suspect the former but still I had to make 2 attempts before I got this run in. Yesterday I felt tired from the outset and settled for a run around the block. I really only forced my way through it today for the above mentioned "keeping up" rarionale. I suppose though that it's ok to be a bit competetive when it comes to healthy things like physical activity, as opposed to the decidedly unhealthy passtime that the expression "keeping up with Joneses" implies.

But first on my training and the mental aspects of it. Right now my most significant motivation is the desire to stay fit and healthy and I suppose that's a good thing. It's tough though because I truly belive that I am not genetically gifted with the makeup of an athlete. Already and somewhat to my surprise, without the huge volume of training I was doing I am again battling my weight. It's nothing serious (I've probably gained 5 pounds) but that's always the way it starts and I just know I need to get more disciplined. I can not let that happen!! Of course I have the special challenge (read that as excuse) of my eating limitations related to my saliva, tastebuds, swallowing etc. Also I just don't have the athleticism that makes workouts easier and more fun. Peter has us (Roo and I) doing these exercises called plyometrics, and thay just kill me. They take a lot of co-ordination and a lot of strength, neither of which I have. There have been a few days recently when I've just questioned the value of it all. I have no motivation to get into the pool, again because it seems like I have so much to learn, none of which will come easily. Blah, blah, blah!

Oh well...if it was easy I guess everyone would do it!

So back to keeping up. I admit to falling into the trap now and again which somehow got me wondering how and why? Is it not sad that we don't even know we need something until we see someone else with it.? It's a real sickness if you ask me....a sickness born of our materialistic society. An addiction as real and no less troublesome than the more researched addictions of things like food, drugs and gambling. Why? Well because like those other addictions it always leaves you wanting more. It is insatiable, and in my opinion the cause of more strife in the world than all the other addictions combined. The passion to keep up with the Joneses exists at all levels of our society right up to that of the globes biggest political entities....why are any wars really fought? Not for any other reason other than the fact that one guy has what the other guy wants!!! They're all trying to keep up with the Changs, the Riveras, the Kharlamovs etc.

So I'm gonna try to focus on just keeping up with my Regnier. That's enough of a challenge and one which I don't mind if I fail to meet. Maybe if I had some new running shoes, the really light ones with the super shock absorption??!!

“Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment."---Mark Twain

“That man has reached immortality who is disturbed by nothing material."---Swami
Vivekananda

"Increase of material comforts, it may be generally laid down, does not in any way whatsoever conduce to moral growth."--- Mohandas Gandhi

love
peter