"Snowman Weather"

We had a snowball fight as well which I won decisively! Those kids are just no match for me. We're really gonna test our grandparenting skills tonite as we are actually going to take them both to the horse races with us and then out for a late New Years Eve dinner. Wish us luck.

And that's all she wrote! Be safe and be sober out there tonite! Well be safe at least!

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."---William Shedd

"Time Flies"

The last time I was here it was with my dad. That means it was more than 15 years ago. When I realized that it momentarily left me with a feeling of melancholy, quickly replaced with a commitment to enjoy the day! After all before you know it another 15 years will be gone!

We ended up at the river in Fergus because Old John wasn't home when we went to visit him. Sorry we missed you John but we had a fantastic time by the water! I'm sure you go there many times yourself.

“Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely"---Kay Lyons

love
peter

"Hope For The Best, Expect The Worst"

I used to think there was value in living this way.
...from dictionary.com comes these defintions...

Hope...to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Expect...to look forward to; regard as likely to happen;

Pretty funny don't you think? Fron now on I'm gonna try to hope for the best and expect the best. Somehow the idea of expecting the worst, or even preparing for the worst seems like a pretty negative way to live.

“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for."---Elbert Hubbard

“Hope never abandons you; you abandon it."---George Weinberg

love
peter

"Last Minute Thoughts"

I just realized that I have to leave for the hospital in a few minutes for this sleep study I agreed to. Right now I'm wishing I hadn't committed to it but only because I know I will sleep even less than normal. The problem is that waking up 20 times in a night doesn't quailfy as a sleep disorder and as such I'm pretty sure nothing will come out of this. Oh well....process of elimination I guess. Thank goodness that Kylie has agreed to take care of Roo in my absence. Kylie also gave my head a nice trim so that they can more easily glue their wires to me scalp. Thenks Ky.

I'm gonna take my own pillow, my ipod and maybe even my teddy bear. And I had some of my home made turkey soup for supper and so that should help too. I gotta learn to eat more soup and other nutritous stuff because slowly and surely my weight is starting to creep up with my reduced workout schedule.

I hope that one of these days I get that old feeling back. I definitely need to set another tough goal. Many congrats to my friends Burt and Joe who finished 1st and 3rd in their respective age groups in the Boxing Day 10 miler in Hamilton. They also finished 58th and 72nd overall out of a field of 800. By the way, Joe is almost 60 and Burt is almost 65! Two amazing gentlemen who are indeed gentlemen! I need to spend more time with them except I get tired just thinking about it.

So that's it. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to sleep I go! Wish me luck!

"There will be sleeping enough in the grave"---Benjamin Franklin

love
peter

"Gratitude"

In todays technological age it is so easy to communicate long distance that we don't get together as much as we used to. That's why I'm so grateful for days like today!



But seriously folks. Everyone was indeed grateful for something today. Here's the list.

Jon ---being sober
Alisha ---sharing dinner with us
Miguette ---family
Kylie ---her polly pocket
Roo ---everyones health
Amanda ---the food
Adrian ---all of his brothers
Peter ---his day with Colby
Michael ---a supportive family
Colby ---family
Pete ---his son peter

A guy told me the other day that he struggled to live in a state of gratitude. While he was grateful for certain aspects of his life at various times, he just couldn't seem to hold on to the feeling. I think I undertand this and I also think that perhaps I understand why. I believe that there are 2 columns of stuff in our lives. A good column and an ugly column. When the ugly column is taller than the good one it is impossible to be continuously grateful. Both columns are partially stacked with the stuff that's going on in our lives at the moment but I also think that in the case of some people the ugly column can be almost permanently stacked against them by some significant trauma they have experienced in their lives. The only way they have a chance at happiness is to somehow dispel the saved up ugly stuff once and for all. I also suggest that the only way to do this is to bring this crap into the light of day. Easier said than done!

“Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."---Sarah Ban Breathnach

“Given the amount of unjust suffering and unhappiness in the world, I am deeply grateful for, sometimes even perplexed by, how much misery I have been spared."---Dennis Prager

love
peter

"The Turkey's Cooked"

I'm ready for our big day tomorrow. Everyone will be here this year and for that I am grateful.
More on gratitude tomorrow. I have some thoughts, I'm just too lazy to put them together.

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order."---David Gerrold

love
peter

"Merry Christmas"

To Claudette, Peter, Jonathan, Michael, Adrian, Miguette, Alisha, Amanda, Cory, Mary, Elly, Bill, Teresa, Terry, Larry, John, Stella, Betty, and David. I hope you all had as nice a day as I did.

One thing they introduced into the Catholic Mass several years ago was a brief pause during which you were encouraged to offer a sign of peace to those around you. It was always my favorite part of the whole ritual.

So today all I have to say to my remarkable family and all of their remarkable families, and to all of my friends and their families is "Peace Be With You"

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."---Peace Pilgrim

“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."---Mahatma Gandhi

love
peter

"Things That Really Matter"

At this special time of year I thought I would check out the newspaper to learn what's really important to people. Here are some examples of what I found.

1) There is a group of female ski jumpers that has been trying to get the supreme court of Canada to force the IOC to include their sport in the 2010 olympics. They contend that since the equivalent mens sport is included that as a matter of course their's should be as well. I say that just because the stupid sport of ski jumping is included at all doesn't need to mean that we should have more of it!

2) The local school boards are stressed because enrollment is going down for the second year in a row. Do they see this as an opportunity to improve the learning environment? No they see it as a competition between the public and seperate system to enrol each others students in order to maintain their funding!

3) Somewhere in Germany a trial goes on trying to convict an 89 year old man of war crimes. They can only cunduct two 90 minute sessions per day because of his health. He is actually wheeled into the courtroom on a guerney. The biggest fear they have is that he will die before they get him convicted! Would that piss them off!

4) Somewhere in Quebec 4 priests are launching a protest out of a concern that English is creeping back into the liturgy! I think this is very funny. How come they're not worried that Latin will creep back in?

...and my persoanl favorite.....

5) There is a regulation for American soldiers in Afghanistan that promises them jail time for getting pregnant and/or getting another soldier pregnant. I can't figure out how this is fair because I thought that if you were in the army you were already well and properly "fucked". I suppose that places the emphasis totally on contraception, so too bad for you if you're a catholic soldier!!!

To each his own I guess. None of that shit is of any significance in my mind other that as a source of amusement. After all I have grandchidren and tomorrow's Christmas!

"Life is too important to be taken seriously."---Oscar Wilde

love
peter

"Worth Every Penny"

This guys tuition has been money well spent. He's pretty smart and if there can remain any doubt as you read this it will be dispelled in the second last paragraph!.....


.....Hello! First of all, I am honoured to be guest blogging tonight, and I hope I don't bore you all. The goal of my post tonight is to make some reflections that are in line with my father's journey on this blog but that are from my own learning and personal perspective.

One of the running themes, I feel, of my dad's blog has been selfishness versus selflessness. When am I being selfish? And is that a good thing or a bad thing? When I do volunteer work for my own gain or pleasure, am I being selfish? When I dedicate so much time and energy to my Ironman, to myself, am I being selfish? When I'm not interested in other people's troubles because I'm too focused on my own pain, am I being selfish?

Dad said a little while ago,

"I think I've done a few things that may in the normal course of events be considered unselfish but always there has been some kind of feedback... some kind of reward. Is that truly unselfish then?"

There is an American philosopher named James Rachels who argued that there is a fundamental distinction between selfishness and self-interest. Altruism is the opposite of selfishness, not the opposite of self-interest. The main idea here is that altruistic behaviour (or 'unselfish' behaviour) occurs frequently, however it may still be self-interested. Self-interest does not negate the altruistic behaviour.

Moreover, there is a philosophical theory out there called 'psychological egoism', which asserts that we are always, in fact, motivated by our own interests. No matter what we do, all of our behaviour is self-interested. This just means, simply put, that we do whatever we want to do. And sometimes, what we want to do is to help other people. If we want to help other people then our behaviour is unselfish (because it helps others), but is still self-interested (because it satisfies our wants).

The conclusion to take away from this is that because I derive satisfaction from unselfish behaviour doesn't stop the behaviour from being unselfish. If you choose to volunteer because you gain pleasure and satisfaction from helping others, you are not thusly or consequently being selfish.

Behaviour can also be motivated by both self-interest and the interests of others. If I act both out of other-interest and out of self-interest, the other-interest is still genuine, even if it is not pure. And even if it is difficult, or even impossible, to be completely and purely other-interested (and to not be self-interested), it doesn't mean we are incapable of being purely unselfish.

There are even some that argue our own interests should always motivate us. If we aren't self-interested, if we don't do things that help ourselves and make us happy, then we can't really make the people around us happy. The people around us will be affected by our own unhappy state of being, a state in which we have very little power to help others. We need to serve ourselves in order to also serve others.

So maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Perhaps we aren't being selfish just because we do things for our own pleasure as well as the pleasure of others. Maybe being self-interested isn't necessarily such a bad thing? Perhaps accomplishing an Ironman, and focusing on one's own physical (and mental) health, does more good for others than one would believe. Perhaps being equipped with a happy and healthy self is more potent for helping to support your family and children than is being equipped with wealth. And perhaps overcoming your own pain ultimately lends yourself to being a good teacher for others. All in all, maybe we should just relax and do what feels right.

Finally, I just want to say publicly that I love my dad and I think he's the greatest, wisest, smartest person ever (yes, even wiser and smarter than you, Aunt Cory! Though you're pretty brilliant, too.) And also to everyone, on his blog my dad is always right, so it is henceforth futile to disagree in the comments section.

And that's all! Happy holidays everyone! Have fun with whomever and whatever you celebrate! I’d like to leave you with one of my favourite quotations; a small quote that I think speaks volumes:

“Let the world change you, and you can change the world.”

Peace,
Mike

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." ---Malcolm Forbes

“Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant."---Epictetus

love
peter

"It's The Real Thing!"

I learned today that you can find happiness in a bottle. While that may not surprise you, it may surprise you to learn that I am not talking about a liquor bottle. I'm talking about a bottle of Coca-Cola! Yup, it's true! You can fine happiness simply by opening a bottle of americas most recognized brand of soda pop. How do I know this? Simple. I read it on the side of a vehicle today. It actually said 'Open Happiness' next to a picture of a bottle and an opener. Of course it was a Coca-Cola truck but absurd as this incredible statement was I was even more annoyed by the circumstances surrounding the truck. The vehicle was part of an incredible travelling commercial not very well disguised as our Olympic Torch Relay. I found it almost offensive. Huge travelling billboards accompanied by logo garmented youth handing out coupons for free drinks. The olympic spirit is supposed to be about building a better and more peaceful world focused on learning about and understanding each other better. Instead we are trying to unite under corporate logos with a plan to addict us all to the idea that our salvation lies in having things and in ingesting caffeine. There is something very cancerous about our society!

Oh and just for the record. Kylie and I stumbled on the relay while on our way to breakfast at McDonalds. :) Oh my god! I need some chemotherapy or something! I have the sickness!

Also, just for the record I do not hold corporations solely responsible. The problem is with society in general. It's in our schools, and in our churches, it's rampant in our governments and in our families and homes. We as individuals and as communities have the power to decide not to be so blatantly manipulated but we choose to accept it. I guess it's easier that way.

I hope to introduce my next guest blogger tomorrow so make sure to check in. I have a good feeling. I have been promised that it will be provocative!!

"And sometimes I actually start to think human life is just as cheap to corporate America as animal life, so long as there are big profits to be made."---Tom Scholz

"Become an internationalist and learn to respect all life. Make war on machines. And in particular the sterile machines of corporate death and the robots that guard them."--- Abbie Hoffman

"When I think of Indonesia - a country on the equator with 180 million people, a median age of 18, and a Muslim ban on alcohol-I feel I know what heaven looks like."---Coca Cola official

love
peter

"I don't Even Know How It Happened"

This morning at about 5:30 am I woke up with the realization that I was right on the edge of the bed. Curled up right next to me with her head on my arms was my granddaughter. I was so surprised because she is normally over on Claudettes side or sometimes sleeping sideways with her feet in my face. It was for me such a special moment that I had to wake Claudette to see it. Even though I was only half awake myself I clearly remember saying, "I don't even know how it happened?". Of course I was referring to the specific situation and yet as I was unsuccessfully trying to get back to sleep it occurred to me that my statement could mean so much more.

After all I really don't know how it happened. I don't know how I got to be a 54 year old grampa with this little person who I call grand daughter sleeping in my arms. Last time I looked my children were that age. But I'm ok with the passage of time since it got me to this point today. Sometimes I wish I had a been as a good a parent as I think I am a grandparent but I don't really belabour it. After all I was only practicing with my own and now I'm experienced. I'm actually grateful to have an opportunity to try to apply those things that I learned. Whenever I start whining about any of the grief in my life I encourage you to remind me that I have a gift that very few people get the opportunity to experience in our modern world. My grandchildren live next door to me. Unbelievable! And to top that off both of their parents encourage them to spend lots of time with us. Given the circumstances that is something I am grateful for beyond words!!

It was cool today when I received a work call and I had to explain that the noise in the background was my granddaughter. I am grateful that I work for a company that allows me the flexibility to multitask in this very special way.



When she grows up she's gonna be a fireman, or as her politically correct brother said, a firegirl grampa! Of course she'll rewrite the standards for firegirl fashion! And just to prove that I have indeed learned something from experience I made her go pee before the leggings went on.

I tell you I don't even know how it happened but I'm glad it did.

“Time is the justice that examines all offenders."---William Shakespeare

love
peter

"Money Don't mean Shit!"

Write that on your bathroom mirror!
Write it on the inside of your glasses!
Write it in on the cover of your cheque book and inside your prayer book!
Money don't mean shit!
Sometimes It's easy to forget this most obvious reality.
Today I was reminded of it. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to remember it. Wish me luck!

I heard another really good one today and it goes like this.
"Religion is for those who are scared to go to hell! Spirituality is for those who have already been there!" Pretty cool eh?
I've not been there but today I listened to a bunch of people who have. They inspired me to try to let go a little. To try to give it up a little. To try to stop being the centre of the universe. To try to stop obsessing and start living. Wish me luck!

I'm gonna try to apply these 2 bits of advice in relation to the addict in my life. When I worry that he doesn't have a pot to piss in and not even a way to get one, I'm gonna remind myself that these are only money things. When I start thinking that somehow I can control the whole situeation I'm gonna try to let "God as I undersatand him" take care of it for a while. Wish me luck!

And yes I know that luck has nothing to do with it. I guess what I'm really saying is just keep me in your thoughts if you wish. I will try to reciprocate. Wish me luck!

"The little money I have - that is my wealth, but the things I have for which I would not take money, that is my treasure."---Robert Brault,

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."---Denis Waitley

"Luck never made a man wise."---Seneca,

love
peter

"My First Guest"

.....fitting somehow......



I may have bitten off more than I can chew here! My dad asked if I would be interested in writing a guest blog entry. Well I am honored to be the first guest blogger, I am also worried that I won’t live up to the standard set by my father’s many moving and motivating entries.

Here goes nothing!

I am a son and a father, neither of which do I believe I am very good at. I guess this is just my insecurities bleeding through my finger tips. Just the same, I believe that one day I will be better at both. I am also a couple other things. I am a friend to some and an enemy to others. I am a leader and sometimes I am a follower. I am also an addict. Well I know that my father carries no shame in regards to this. I have lots of it for everyone. I spend just about every waking moment, thinking about my addiction in one way or another. I see the things I have lost, and I see much pain that I have caused many people. I try my best to stay strong. I am not always able. Old thoughts and old habits seem to find a way to creep back in. I have slipped (relapsed if that suits you better) on more than one occasion. Now that I think about it, I am admitting to many people who do not know, two things. First, I am a drug addict. Secondly, I am admitting that I have not been successful, in staying sober over the last three years. December 19th (today) would have been my three year sobriety date. Again, lots of guilt and shame surrounding that. My father, in all his wisdom tells me that “shame and guilt have no value.” I am sure he’s right, he usually is. Not because he’s one of those assholes who think they are always right, but because he is a very intelligent human being (he may be a bit of an asshole, but those two things are not related). I strive to be more like him. Mostly because if I can be like him, I think my son will want to be just like me. I try to pretend that I have some great knowledge or life lesson to share with the world. I am not sure if I know any more or less than anyone else. Only time will tell. I wish all of you the best of luck to all of you on your life’s journeys.

I will end with this. They are my only real words of wisdom.

If you ever find yourself questioning a decision you are making, whether it is morally right, or wrong, find a three year old child, ask them. The only innocence left in the world is our youngest children. The rest of us have been polluted. We have had our realities distorted by hardships and lies. I wish I was three again.

love
peter jr.

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday."---Jonathan Swift

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves."---Peter McWilliams

“It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution"---Oscar Wilde

love
peter

"A Pictures Worth a Thousand Words"

"Momma used to say, "life is like a box of chocolates".

"It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons."---Friedrich von Schiller

love
peter

"In the News"

i read a story in the paper the other day about a child who wandered away from his home and was lost in the woods for 2 days. He was eventually found but then died in hospital as a result of hypothermia. I'm not 100 percent sure but I believe he was autustic or in some other way handicapped. When I read this all I could think about is how his parents must have felt for those 2 days. Can you imagine the feelings of guilt even though I'm sure they were blameless. Can you imagine the anguish at not being able to comfort their child in his suffering? Can you imagine the anxiety, the anticipation of the phone call that would eventually come? How terribly powerless they must have felt.

...and that's all I got ta say about that....

"What we actually learn from any given set of circumstances determines whether we become increasingly powerless or more powerful"---Blaine Lee

love
peter

"Meet Phil"

I did...while out running by the psych today. He was probably 65 years old, in a wheelchair and clearly a resident of the facility. He called out to me when I was still 50 feet away from him but because I was running I really didn't pay much attention. I don't like to stop for anyone and particularly not at the hospital where you can meet some very unique personalities. And so I prepared to give him a courteous brushoff. For some reason when I got closer there was something about the expression on his face that had me rethink that plan. What the hell I said to myself. If I could not afford to take 10 seconds out of my life to acknowledge this harmless old gentlemen who clearly just wanted to say hello, then I had something wrong. And so I stopped. It was at this point that I realized that despite the fact that it was minus 8 with a major wind chill, his coat wasn't buttoned up, and he wore neither hat nor gloves. I introduced myself and then in our small talk suggested that it was pretty cold out. He gripped my hand firmly, smiled a crooked smile and said, "no sonny it's all in your head". Of course my first reaction was that I wasn't the one living in a psychiatric hospital and as such how could I have the problem in my head? As soon as I trotted away I realized that he was absolutely correct. I know that it was freaking cold outside and I know that there's all kinds of other tough stuff in life, but whatever it is, the fact remains that your attitude in response to this "stuff" is "all in your head sonny!"

Thanks Phil!

I've also been thinking about this "Just For Today" idea of doing someone a good turn without being found out. I wracked my brain and can honestly say that I have no memory of ever having done this in my entire life. I think I've done a few things that may in the normal course of events be considered unselfish but always there has been some kind of feedback...some kind of reward. Is that truly unselfish then? And aren't we as humans programmed to need some kind of positive reward for our behaviour? Think about this. Would Mother Teresa still be Mother Teresa if she kept all of her wonderfullness hidden from the world. And what about that Jesus guy? How hard did he try to go around incognito? And if you really want to mess up your mind think about this. How could we find out if anyone in the whole world every managed this anonymous do-gooding because no one could admit it or even get caught at it without undoing it. And to take that one step further how can anyone even suggest that there is some kind of personal gratification in the act since no one can ever talk about it? Whoa! I'm getting dizzy! I think I'm gonna give it a try however and you'll just have to read my face to see if it had any effect. After all, "It's all in my mind!"

"The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation."---William Hutton

"As I give to the world, so the world will give to me."---Kenneth L. Holmes

love
peter

"Willing to Give"

I had a very good day today. I faced a personal challenge and came out of it satisfied. For the first time in many moons I feel like I have some energy to spare and I wish to share it. Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you. Well except for you Claudette!.....just kidding dear!

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."---Kahlil Gibran

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it."---Albert Einstein

love
peter

"Just For Today"

Whatever new thing you involve yourself in always seems to bring new learning not necessarily related to your initial intent. I give you this. I don't know who wrote it but I wish that I did!

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

And I'm gonna start all that stuff first thing tomorrow!

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning."--- Albert Einstein

"One today is worth two tomorrows"---Benjamin Franklin

love
peter

"Osteoradionecrosis"

Holy cow! What the hell is that? I heard that word for the second time in my life on friday even though I have absolutely no recall of the first time. That first time was a little more than 2 years ago when Roo and I were busy learning a whole lot of new words. We knew there was some danger to my teeth because of the radiation treatments but only now do I understand it better. My first thought when I asked for and received a good explanation was, why didn't they tell me this before? But I quickly realized that I probably just didn't listen too well the first time. I was too busy absorbing the big "C" word.

Anyway, it is because of this osteoradionecrosis stuff that they get a bit obsessed about taking care of your teeth. When they radiate any bone it loses a lot of it's natural ability to repair itself. Because radiation works to destroy cancerous cells through the deprivation of oxygen and vital nutrients, it inevitably destroys normal cells as well, damaging small arteries and reducing circulation to the area of the mandible. If this radiated bone then undergoes any other trauma including something as minor as a tooth extraction it could result in this condition. It has the potential to be extremelty serious and could even include a return of the original malignancy.

The good news is that my teeth show no sign of deterioration despite the fact that I have carelesly stopped doing my daily fluoride treatment. Even though I don't live in daily fear of this problem or of any other reccurrence I think maybe I'll get back to the fluoride anyway.

And that's your biology lesson for the day. If there were any errors or ommissions I expect that her holiness will correect me.

....I'm working on doing more of the first and less of the latter...

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."---Dorothy Parker

...and this one I liked...

“The man with a toothache thinks everyone happy whose teeth are sound. The poverty-stricken man makes the same mistake about the rich man."---George Bernard Shaw

love
peter

"Dumb Chickens"

Little heads and little brains. They function totally on instinct. Not a wonder so many of them lost their heads in the end!



I hand made this beautiful "chicken" door but they're too stupid to figure out how it works. Right now I'm trying to train them by starting with the opening only partially covered. Once they get used to that I will drop it little by little in the hopes they will adjust. From what I've seen I'm not that hopeful. I dont know if its a reflection off the plastic or what but something seems to scare them. Like I say they're not that bright.



My plan was to place one of the special self opening doors at each end of the entry tunnel, therby allowing them to get outside on nice days and still keep the wind out. If they don't figure it out I'm gonna have to relent and put a regular door on.

Then we went home and fought! I won again even if it's not apparent in the pic!



“Regard it as just as desirable to build a chicken house as to build a cathedral."---Frank Lloyd Wright

love
peter

"I'm Gonna Live To Be a Hundred"

Because I just found out that if you do so, that you can request a birthday card from the Queen! Even though that does sound a bit senseless. After all if I have to request it how much will it really mean?

While I'm waiting to get the card I'm gonna practice some good habits so that I deserve it. I'm gonna try

1)not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
2)not to manipulate situations so that others behave as I see fit
3)not to cover up anothers mistakes or misdeeds
4)not to create a crisis
5)not to prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events

That's not a very long list but at least for me a daunting one. If I can truly achieve these few things by the end of my first century I will have accomplished something. I know I will be a happier and better person.

So enough with the serious stuff. Today a friend made the comment that it was friday and therefore "bath night". The comment seemed to imply that he had a bath once a week. Boy did that take me back. I don't know if it was just us poor immigrant farmer types but I can clearly recall that saturday was bath night for the week when I was a kid. Further to that I recall that we shared the water amongst several of us...or at least the boys. We would maybe get a quick warmup and a stir between bathers just to dissipate the scum a little bit. I also have a very clear memory of Mom dumping powdered laundry detergent on my head and telling me to scrub! And it all seemed so normal to me!

And in the winter we walked 20 miles to school in knee deep snow without any mittens, and it was uphill in both directions. Sometimes I cried so long that the tears would freeze to my cheeks!

That's it y'all. Be safe and be sober. Take what you like and leave the rest.

The only thing I'm worried about is that I thought Freddie Mercury was already dead. How's he gonna send me a card?

"Who wants to live forever?"---Freddie Mercury

“Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath."---Lyndon B. Johnson

love
peter

"Nervous"

It's now 6:45 pm. I'm not sure why but I get nervous more easily than I used to. Things that in the past I would have faced with equanimity (I looked it up to be sure) , I now sometimes move into with uncertainty. I'm not sure why and I'm not even sure if it's a bad thing. It could just be as a result of a new found humility, if that doesn't seem to far fetched? When you have little regard for the obstacles in your way it's easy to be courageous. When you come to realize that your not so all powerful it's more natural to get a little nervous. Or at least that's my rationalization and I think I'm gonna stick with it. I should also make a distincation between nervousness and anxiety which I still battle at times. I'm ok with the former because usually there is an upcoming event or situation that causes it, while anxiety, at least for me, can not be contributed to a specific cause.

It's now 7 pm and I'm nervous because of a specific upcoming event. It is not too late to change my mind about attending. I have labored over this decision for the last several hours, ever since remembering that tonite was the night I had committed to. When I say committed to I'm only talking about a promise to myself. I actually had my coat on and was heading out the door when for some reason I rechecked the time, only to discover that I would have been there an hour early. That seemed like a clear message to put my coat back on the hook and sit down to watch the hockey game instead. Maybe I could even crack a cold one? My nervousness would dissipate and I would be free!

It's now 7:15 pm and I still have my coat on, the TV is still off, and I'm sitting with my laptop writing to you (no beer). Some nervousnees went away just knowing that the event was still a little ways off and again my head is telling me...don't go! In contradiction to that I am starting to sweat more but I think that's just because I still have my coat on! I'm wrestling with the decision, and as I type the words I have to smile because I'm wearing my high school wrestling jacket....hmmm. What would I have done when I was sixteen? I'm pretty sure I would have bailed.

It's now 7:25 pm and here I sit. The clock is ticking. I have to leave pretty soon if I'm going to go. Without knowing what the hell I'm even talking about what does your instinct tell you I should do? I'm pretty sure that I know. Even if the thing doesn't turn into anything useful I must have had a reason to make the commitment to myself some days ago. If I don't go I will never know what it could mean for me.

It's now 7:30 pm and I remind myself that all things are hard before they are easy. That's why I'm getting out of this chair and heading out to Central United Church! No, no, no, don't fret my friends! I'm not about to become a complete hypocrite just yet. I'm headin out the door to see what an Al-Anon meeting feels like. It just happens to be in a church basement. Wish me luck! I'm nervous!

It's now 9:45. If I said earlier that I am a little more humble than I used to be I now realize that I still have a ways to go. There is a certain element of arrogance, a bit of an attitude of superiority in the delusion that you are carrying the whole world on your shoulders; that your problems are so much more important and earth shaking than anyone else's. I didn't learn a whole lot of practical stuff at the meeting but then practical stuff is not my limitation. My limitation is my attitude, my feelings of responsibility, of failure, of fear and regret. And above all else my feelings of self pity! Some of the stories I heard tonite left me with a very strong sense of gratitude that I have so little to agonize over. Stories of siblings, children, spouses, grandchildren, parents, and stories of drugs and alcohol, and stories of pain and grief that make mine seem like a television sitcom. Crushing stories of suicide and despair. Stories of people who have no one to share their burdens other than the other poeple in the room! I would not dare tell those people of my amazing spouse, my twelve (yes twelve!) caring siblings, my four beautiful sons, my courageous daughter, and those two unbelievable grandchildren. They would throw me out of their meeting.

It's now 10:30. It's my bedtime and I have a feeling that I'm gonna sleep well. I know however that despite my current positive feelings I will still have lots of tough spots in the future. But as the alcoholics and the drug addicts say, just for today, I'm gonna be ok.

“Humility is to make a right estimate of one's self."---Charles H. Spurgeon

The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it"---Mignon McLaughlin

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be."---Ralph W. Sockman

love
peter

"Toys R Us"

So I'm at the toy store today with specific instructions from Roo as to what I was looking for. They didn't have what she wanted but I didn't mind looking around because after all it is a toy store. As I wandered around I realized that there were very few children in the place. That's natural I suppose at this time of year but without the children something else was missing as well. It took me a second to realize what it was. Pleasure! No one was having any fun. It appeared that at best people were going through the expected toy buy motions or at worst hating it. To be filling your cart with all that cool stuff and not enjoying it should be against the rules. I suppose it's a good thing that you can buy just about everything online now instead. That way people can stay at home and be miserable and alone while doing their Christmas shopping.

It seems that as long as I can remember I have heard people complaining about Xmas being so commercialized but I think that over the last 10 years it has gotten significantly worse. I don't have a problem with the commercial aspects of the holiday as long as it's fun. But buying stuff has now become more than fun. It has become a need as opposed to a want! To what can we credit this downward spiral? Well advertising of course. But we've had adverstising forever you may say. Yes but......we have not always had the internet! It drives us to need stuff we didn't even know existed let alone had a purpose for. Claudette and I used to have this running joke about the latest toy I "needed" when what I really meant was "wanted". I no longer use that one. Maybe I can't tell the difference any more?

Yup! As soon as any idea comes up off we go the our bew browsers to check out where, when and for how much we can get it. Most times we can just hit a bunch of keys and voila! It's on the way to our house. Toys, bikes, books, electronics, furniture, you name it.

Thats it for today. It's almost my bedtime and I need to order some stuff online before I hit the hay!

“Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life"---Andrew Brown

“The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow."---Bill Gates

“The Internet is like a gold-rush; the only people making money are those who sell the pans."---Will Hobbs

love
peter

"Waiting For Inspiration"

...and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. I think I'm gonna use a guest blogger one of these days. Actually that's a brilliant idea. Tomorrow though since all my guests have already left for the day. No really! I had guests! Unfortunately it was their bedtime so they had to go home.

...and this rarely works out with my grandchildren.....

"I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine."---Alfred North Whitehead

love
peter

"I'm Spent"

I spent most of the day working which is simply not good for anyone. Sadly I had to use my brain and now it's all tapped out. Actually it was pretty well tapped out when I got started so I had to function on instinct. I'm a little stressed about a meeting I have tomorrow but I'm sure it will turn out to be a good day!

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out."---Michael Burke

“Instinct is untaught ability"---Alexander Bain

love
peter

"Book Report"

For some time Claudette had been encouraging me to read a book called Beautiful Boy. It is a true story (aren't they all) written by a man who suffered through years of his sons addiction to drugs. most notably methamphetamine(crystal meth). The authors name is David Sheff who was a professional writer by trade, and so how decent of his son to give him a great story. I probably resisted reading it because I was afraid to, and I can now say with good reason. Claudette had the sense not to pester me into it, probably knowing that my stubbornes would naturally resist any idea that wasn't my own. So while I say that my fears around reading the book have now been born out, I can also say that I am glad I read it. I think it was good for me to do so despite the pain that came with it. The author shares many very personal feelings that I believe can only be understood by someone who has a child, or children in this situation. It felt good to know that my overwhelming grief and fear is natural. In his research he also discovers and provides so much support for addiction as an illness rather than an immoral condition resulting from bad choices. I am pretty sure that even as I write this there will be people out there who contest that assertion, but if I had any doubt before I read this book it is gone now. This is not a story of your prototypical, lazy, good for nothing, street junkie who just likes to feed off of society. On the contrary, or at least the author would have us believe, that his son was a very bright, very well adjusted young man until for some reason as a teenager he discovered drugs. I'm not gonna give you the big dramatic argument tonite about illness vs habit but will rest my case on the fact that invariably every professional I have ever heard or read supports the illness hypothesis. Any other conjecture would also have to conclude that many cancers, at least one type of diabetes, and many types of heart disease are not illnesses either. Of course I should warn you that your conjecture would also perhaps start me into the tirade that I promised to contain...enough said.

The one thing that I will admit is that the first steps towards the illness of addiction are indeed voluntary. The big question, and it's one not deeply explored in the book is why do people fall into a habit that they generally know will result in a destructive lifestyle. There was a moment in the book that hit home to me. The young man was entering a rehab program and in response to the question, "what's wrong with you", he said, "I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict!". The counsellors comeback....."No! I mean what's wrong with you? Drugs and alcohol is the way you dealt with it but that's not what's wrong with you". The suggestion of course is that there is a deeper underlying reason why anyone needed to take this particular road to hell. While I happen to believe that strongly, and furthermore believe that the only way for an addict to have a chance at recovery is to deal with this underlying issue, I also know that many people with similar crap in their lives do not end up addicted to chemicals. Enter part two of the equation. Some people have strong physiological predispositions to dependancy. I believe that any person with this genetic tendency who is then also burdened with some kind of trauma in their lives is an accident waiting to happen. Absolutely no different than a person with a family history of heart disease who then chooses to eat a big mac every day. In actual fact I could argue that the addict is less responsible than the heart attack victim because unlike the decision to eat at McDonalds, the addict is rarely personally responsible for the trauma he suffered.

So what did I learn from the book that I don't really want to know. Probably the same thing that the author learned through his experience. It's probably not correct to say that I learned it because at least on an intellectual level think I have known it all along but have regularly denied it. Following Sheff and his son through their painful journey made it all too clear to me that an addict is always as addict. An addict never gets cured! The very best anyone can hope for is that the addict manages their addiction such that they can stay clean most of the time. As George Carlin so elegantly put it.... "Just because the monkeys off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". The reason I need to remember this, and the reason I don't want to is so that I can be better prepared the next time someone relapses. It gives me shivers even to write that because it will most likely happen and somehow it seems more probable simply because I acknowledge the idea. Best to stay in denial eh??? Well maybe not! Unlike Mr Sheff I have 2 reasons to be prepared for the inevitable.

The authors story parallels mine in more ways than the family addiciton shit. He too suffered a serious illness during the time of his sons trials, an illness which almost killed him. It was this aspect of his story that had the biggest impact on me and even left me feeling a little less abnormal, a little less guilty. He states that his illness made life even scarier as opposed to the feel good stories you frequently hear about the new appreciation near death survivors have for life. How good to know that I'm not alone. How good also to hear him tell that over time he did come to realize a new gratitude for life as a result of his health issues.

Just for the record. I believed that addiction was an illness long before I encountered it in my own life. I hope I don't seem too obsessed about all this stuff. If so I apologize only for putting my thoughts out on the airwaves, not for having them. And also please know that writing them down is good for me. Thanks dear for the book.

What slse did I learn or was reminded of...

1) relapse is a part of recovery
2)no one...I mean no one... wants to be an addict
3)denial of reality is a very "real" sympton of the disease
4)some people get inurred to their childrens self destruction...I have not
5) no matter how hard it is, it is harder yet for the addict
6) for the parent of a drug addict nothing is scarier than the ring of the phone
7)neither a job, nor a family, nor a home nor money can make it go away
8) living with addiction means living with uncertainty and suffering
9) the sooner you accept that uncertainty the sooner you will suffer less
10)where there is life there is hope

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you"---Kurt Cobain

"Oh, what'll you do now, my blue eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?"---Bob Dylan

love
peter

"Oh Well"

Claudette tells me that my blogging has gotten pretty sad the last few days and indeed I can't argue. Even though I'd like to just for the sake of arguing. Today will be no different but please don't quit on me yet. I still believe I'll get it back. Today was about getting my glasses fixed and then spending time with my son and his children. We had tacos for dinner and then went to see the Fantasy of Lights at the park. By the time we got back home and played a little Pictionary it was our bedtime. Colby has skating in the morning and for me that means I get to go to bed at a reasonable time.

Here's the proof of our visit.



And here's the proof that the worlds most beautiful child is my granddaughter!!



“Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us, as no one in our entire lives has ever done, not our parents, siblings, spouses, friends - and hardly ever our own grown children."---Ruth Goode

love
peter

"To Be Able to See"

Is kind of a good thing. Tonite I'm grateful for it. I was about to get stressed when my brand new glasses fell apart while cleaning them, but then I got a grip. I have more glasses in the cupboard and even without them I could fake it.
I can also walk(quickly), talk(a bit much), hear(but maybe not listen), and most importantly I suppose I can still think and feel.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."---Albert Einstein

love
peter

"Inside The Box"

All of our relationships tend to develop within certain boundaries. Sometimes they are fairly clearly defined as in a typical work relationship...you are either a boss, or a peer or a direct report and there are rules around how everything works. That makes it relatively easy to work within the box created by the boundaries that you agreed to. Although a little more fluid the same goes for a marriage, the boundaries having been established through your vows.

And then there's the children. It is so easy when they are young! Why? Because the adult makes all the rules, creates all the boundaries, determines the dimensions of the box. And the kids live within it because they think they have to. Piece of cake!

Then they grow up. The problem is that they still remain your kids and as such you still want to control them, baby them, help them and influence them. Unfortunately they no longer want to do what you tell them and the boundaries of the box get all messed up. That's when the boundaries need to get re-established. In many parent/child situations that happens naturally and over time, but in certain circumstances it just doesn't go as well. I know I'm not alone with this problem. I am willing to bet that there are many people who struggle in their relationships with their adult children. Maybe even some who read this blog?

I'm gonna try real hard to redefine my box and then try to live within it. I know it's the healthy thing to do . I think it's ok that the dimensions of the box change with changing circumstances but that needs to be done in a proactive thought out way. Not on any given friday evening when the child has gotten himself in his/her latest predicament. Thats gonna be the tough part for me. When you start thinking with your heart....the rules are hard to apply.

I don't know if I managed to convey what I wanted to tonite. I feel vague and uncertain.

"Principles and rules are intended to provide a thinking man with a frame of reference."---Karl Von Clausewitz

"I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me"---Eddie Vedder

love
peter

"Mixed Feelings"

Today was a special day in the growth of our chicken enterprises. We got our first colored egg.



In case I haven't told you one of our breeds are something called Ameracaunas which lay tinted eggs. It's hard to see in the pic but it is clearly a greenish blue. Almost too pretty to break!

Mixed feelings because one of our Buff Orpingtons died in childbirth, also today. I don't know specifically why but it was an ugly sight. She basically lost part of her insides along with her offspring. Pretty gruesome.

I left her out for the coyotes. It will be interesting to see if they have recycled her by morning.

“I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them sam I am."---Dr. Seuss

love
peter

"Here's a Sobering Thought"

Not that I was drunk but while I was out and about today I met a lady who has 5 great, great, grandchildren. To put that in perspective, for me that would mean Colby or Kylies grandchidren!!! Holy cow! What if I live that long? Will they come to visit me at the old folks home, or will they be like many other extended families of our seniors(or in some cases immediate families)?---pretty well oblivious! Not that I blame anyone. All the years that my own mother spent in a home I maybe visited her 10 times. I always dispatched any guilt with the knowledge that my siblings were there almost daily. But now I admit some regret at least if not guilt. I make the distinction because guilt implies that you let someone else down, while regret implies that I let myself down. I'm pretty confident that at least in her later years my presence or lack thereof wouldn't have made a lick of difference. She suffered from Alzheimers. It is only recently as I make an effort to get to know some "old" people that I realized what an opportunity I missed. I could have gotten the same thrill at making an old person smile with my very own Mom! I know it would have been a special challenge because of her illness but in my arrogance I believe I could have gotten through at moments. I have experienced it at times with some of the residents who normally appear to be totally absent. As I write this I realize that if there be any merit to my theory than maybe I could have actually made a "lick of difference" with Mom after all...hmmm? Maybe I could have added a few seconds of pleasure to her world? Think I should feel guilty?

I think probably not. If I can live with all the stuff I put her through as a teenager and young adult then the last few years pale in comparison. Besides, there's not much value in the emotion. Even regret doesn't have any worth unless perhaps it motivates you to do something different in the future, or in some other way add value to the world. That's what I'm gonna focus on.

I'm also trying to build a sense of responsibiliy into my grand children by spending time with them. I think that the investment should pay off in that if they don't want to come visit me themselves, maybe they will at least force their kids to do so.

Towards that end Colby and I mafe supper together tonite. Guess what we had? Scrambled eggs! Made of course with our very own farm fresh eggs. It was a special moment which I decided to store in my brain instead of on a computer. That way when I get old and forget what day it is, I will still probably remember this particular supper, on this particular day, and I would be willing to bet that he will as well.

"We do not remember days; we remember moments."---Cesare Pavese

"The memory is a treasurer to whom we must give funds, if we would draw the assistance we need."---Nicholas Rowe

"It's Official"

They've cancelled our race! For some time I've wondered why the Forest City Road Race page was not updated to reflect the coming years races, and when they did update it they did not show the marathon distance. I just received an e-mail with official confirmtion that after almost 20 consecutive years they will no longer have a marathon in London. It seems that the interest has simply waned and as such they can't justify the cost and organization necessary. For the last several years they have also had a half marathon and that seems to be more appealling to the masses. After some deliberation we have decided to join the masses. I had my heart set on running a marathon together but I also wanted it to be a small local race without all the hype and logistics associated with a bigger event.

So a half marathon it is! I'm pretty sure that Roo thinks that means some kind of nice cosy training schedule from here on in but that would be a mistake on her part. It just means a different kind of training with more intense workouts...surprise!!!!

Personally I have come to terms with it as well and quite frankly I'm gonna back right off for at least a few weeks. I feel so burned out and I don't know why. It's probably mental burnout but even so it feels very real. I will still workout every day but limit it to an hour a day plus my twice a week weights with Peter. Maybe I'll kick it up again after Christmas. Maybe this strategy will also revive my enthusiasm to get back into the pool.

Actually I'm lying about any uncertainty around my lack of enthusiasm I'm pretty sure I know why I've been dragging my ass. It's because I've been feeling sorry for myself and the self induced stress manifests itself in physical ways. There I said it!

The other day Elly gave me a nice idea that I think has merit and that I'm trying to hold onto. She said that if everyone in the world would put their problems in one pile and you were then asked to withdraw those that you would prefer to own, that chances are good that you would take your own problems back. After giving it some thought I'm pretty sure I would. What would you do?......and why does that question sound familiar?

I had an original thought today as well that I wish to share. It's around the concept of tough love. I have always had it in mind that this expression meant being firm with someone you loved because even though it would be tough on them it was what they needed. Today it occured to me that the 'tough' part of the expression applies more to the 'lover' than the 'lovee' and at least in my case the reason I don't always make the right decision.....sometimes it's just too "tough"! I'm working on it.

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."---Albert Ellis

“The way we see the problem is the problem"---Stephen R. Covey

...and this unrelated one on my favorite topic...

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."---Dave Barry

love
peter

"Building Friendships"

Over the past few days I had the opportunity to spend time with a man whose history is so different from mine as to be almost unimaginable. For our paths to have finally crossed is as a result of many curious twists and turns. Ten years ago we simply moved in different circles that never came in contact. If by some strange event we would have met then, we would have had exactly nothing to discusss! As a matter of fact I think it would be safe to say that any conversation would have had only negative tones.

So what's changed? Well I suppose we're both 10 years older but that alone isn't the difference. Unless perhaps you consider that in that time frame we both finally figured out what really matters to us. And then further to that you would have to conclude that we share those newly realized values. Despite our incredibly different adult lives I think that's exactly what happened and I am grateful.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked"---Bernard Meltzer

love
peter

"DOG SHIT!"

Today I was reminded of an incident I witnessed several years ago in an airport somewhere in Europe. The rules are different there, and even though I knew that, I was still frequently surprised to see people bring their pets into public places such as restaurants or the aforementioned airport. That's why it caught my eye to see a well heeled lady marching through the terminal with a beautiful and very large German Shepherd that outweighed her by a good 20 pounds. As she was moving along with the shepherd in tow the leash suddenly brought her up short. When she turned to look at what had captured the dogs attention she quickly, and to her horror understood. The canine was moving into a canine squat! Yup...the dog was about to take a giant crap right in the middle of the airport. Well I'll tell you that the superhuman strength this woman exhibited was amazing. She literally started to drag the dog along the tiles on it's haunches in an attempt to forestall the inevitable. Alas, the only thing she achieved was to spread 3 or 4 huge logs over a distance of 5 or 6 feet. Once she got the dog back on all 4 feet, and without even a glance behind her she picked up where she left off in her march through the airport. and at an even faster pace than prior to the "incident". Apparently she was not one to hang around to deal with the embarrassment she had just undergone.

If I remember correctly I was killing time waiting for a flight and as such I came back upon the scene of the crime some half hour later. It was with some amusement and also a great sense of relief that I was not involved, to see that the dog shit had now been tracked over a strip a good 6 feet wide and 30 feet long! Because she hadn't dealt with what was initially an uncomfortable but manageable situation the result was a disaster that would require a major cleanup effort!

My analogy?

When we don't deal with our embarrassment, shame, or guilt in a timely manner does it inevitably result in a whole bunch of shit we never had in the first place??

I bet you're wondering what reminded me of this story ? What else? A dog taking a crap! In an effort to not bury my own moment of humility I need to share this with you.



Yes indeed my friends,....If you happened along Ridgewood Ave in Guelph at about 7:30 this morning you would have seen me on the other end of these leashes. "NO SHIT!" I'm glad that since I haven't lived in this city for more than 25 years I don't think anyone recognized me. The things I do that I never, ever thought I would catch myself at. Of course I didn't let the dogs take a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. I walked them up to the Baptist church at the end of the street and let them relieve themselves there. And no I did not "stoop" to the next level. The little turds that these little turds were capable of remain exactly where they were deposited. My rationale is that by having crapped at the church the resulting poop was now, "HOLY SHIT!" I'm sure that in the teachings of at least one of the worlds major religions it would be sacriliges to even think about messing with it! I rest my case! And if you don't like my rationale all I have to say is "TOUGH SHIT!"

...I selected this one because it made me laugh and it had the operative word in it...

“I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the SHIT out of me."---Anon

love
peter

"Good Night"

It's just one of those days when I literally ran out of time. It was a pretty good day though and I think that I will sleep reasonably well. It was a learning kind of day and any day you learn something should be a good day don't you think? Amongst some other less significant things I learned that Bernie's an idiot! I also was reminded of something I learned many, many years ago...that my Paula is an angel!

Oh...and 5 eggs and counting!! Woohoo!!

"I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma."---Eartha Kitt

love
peter

"The Rooster's Crowing!"

And the hens are laying! All's well with the world.
The reason those stupid chickens ars so happy is because they're so stupid! They don't know any better. They have little heads with little brains. They live in a 6 foot square house with a little, muddy, fenced in yard. And if you could see how they come running to fight over a handful of dandelion leaves you would know just how senseless they are. They function totally on instinct. Eat, sleep, lay eggs, screw or get screwed, and cluck.

All this gives me hope. If a small brain is all it takes I should be feeling better soon!

...and I know I've used this one before but today I send it out there specifically to my children...

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."---Dr Seuss

love
peter

"Lifes a Bitch!"

And then you die!
Or in my case, lifes a bitch, then you marry one, and then you die!

And the time in between your beginning and your end is filled with "stuff". Some good stuff, some shitty stuff and some boring stuff. All those self help gurus who tell you that's it's all in your attitude are just full of shit! Some days are just bad! Funny thing is that good and bad days are vastly different for different people. As an example I remember clearly the day I was told I had cancer. I remember it clearly for obvious reasons and yet I do not remember it as a really bad day. I can easily bring to mind several worse ones. When I tried to analyze the reasons for that I think I came up with an answer. It's because I felt a measure of control. They hadn't told me I was going to die and so I quickly moved into planning, organizing, strategizing, and deciding. I could do "something". My bad days are almost exclusively those when I can do nothing. When I am powerless to act!

That's not to say that attitude doesn't play a part. For me to suggest that we are totally at the mercy of circumstances would be abdicating my responsibility as a person. It's just that it's a whole lot easier to have a good attitude when you ain't hurtin. Or I suppose you could just say that right now, my attitude just sucks!

But I keep trying and I will pull through, and things will get better. Right?

I remember many of my good days were spent wrestling with my brothers in the living room when we were kids. I was always "in control" because I was the oldest, and strongest and smartest! Until of course the enevitable "that's enough boys!" came from the kitchen.. By the way, I'm still the oldest.

Anyway, now that there's no one bigger that me in the kitchen I can fight in the living room all I want, and in this case I'm not just the oldest but also the strongest. Two out of three ain't bad eh?



This is also good for my attitude.

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."---Annie Gottlier

"I not only bow to the inevitable; I am fortified by it."---Thornton Wilder

love
peter

"It Hurts So Bad"

"It hurts so bad that I can't save him,
keep him out of harms way, shield him from pain.
What good are fathers for if not these things?"...Thomas Lynch as quoted in Beautiful Boy by David Sheff

"He said he wanted heaven but praying was too slow,
so he bought a one way ticket on an airline made of snow"---Hoyt Axton

love
peter

"What Would You Do?"

Suppose that you had a place that you could go in which you could forget all your worries. A place where there was no pain, no anxiety, no stress, no fear and no heartache. What would you do?

Suppose that the painful state you were trying to escape from was intense and seemingly unending? What would you do?

Even if you knew that the relief was only temporary and that the long term consequences of going to this happy place would be extremely negative. What would you do?

If you said you would go anyway I think I understand. What I describe is I believe the situation most addicts are facing every day of their lives. What would you do?

If you are one of the tough guys like I used to be, you may say that you would resist, after all you're one of the tough guys.

But consider this. Have you ever hit yourself in the knee cap with a hammer? If not you should try it because I ask you to think about the pain you would be in and then reconsider the same question I asked earlier. If given the opportunity at that very moment to escape to the pain free place with all the long term consequences...what would you do?

Or here's another one. You're hangin from a chin up bar above a pit of alligators where you've been hanging most of your adult life. You're grip is starting to slip a little but you're hanging on for dear life because you know what awaits you at the bottom....and then a monkey jumps on your back! What would you do?

I had a little insight moment last evening when I was laying in my bed worrying about the addicts in my life and remembering the time when I was quite drug dependant myself. Sick as this may seem I momentarily wished I was back in that time so that I could justify a little morphine! It was a very real, deep in the gut feeling, and if the stuff was available to me I would have used it!! Fortunately for me (and here's where I'll get shit from Cory)the only thing I still have in the cupboard are pain patches, and they take too long to work!

Please think about my analogies for the addictive state because the next time you think about, or perhaps even verbalize things such as, "crackhead", "useless drunk", or "fat slob" maybe you will reconsider a little and be more compassionate. After all, until you've hit yourself in the knee cap with a hammer you don't know how bad it hurts. Until you've been where the addict has been you don't know how bad it hurts. What would you do?

Anyway...enough preaching for today! I'm afraid that's become one of my addictions. I actually had a fairly imformative day. I went to see Dr Yoo this morning for the last set of injections in my face and we had a really nice chat while he was sticking me. I think it was 10 times total! Fortunately I'm one of the tough guys so it didn't hurt a bit!

Anyway, I learned that there is a private firm that is actually supporting this bit of research. It is the company that makes the little device that they use to seperate your platelets in the centrifuge. It is a very simple looking, one time use device that costs 500 bucks a pop! I also learned that even if the study proves successful, that it could be years before the treatment is made available through our medical system. He will however try to talk the private firm into supporting further injections for the people that participated in the study, just to further support the conclusions. For me that would mean injection in the other side of my face. For now I will have follow up tests in 3 months and then again 3 months after that. We shall see.

I also learned a lot about saliva and sleep apnea and such. First off he explained, much to my surprise, that saliva and mucous (or phlegm) essentially come from the same glands. He further explained that radiotherapy(radiation) essentially causes accelerated aging in the radiated area and like aging the radiation seems to deteriorate the portion of the glands that create the watery saliva, but not the parts that generate the mucous. And voila...that's why I have lots of phlegm but no saliva!! Very interesting.

We also talked about CPAP, and he has little hope that it can help me. He actually believes that it may be counterproductive just because the increased air flow would tend to increase dryness even more. This is consistent with my own little home tests. Regardless he agrees that a sleep study would help to answer these questions and in an effort to prove Cory right one more time, I have agreed to undertake one. He claims that the lab in London is the best in Canada if not one of the best in the world, which will probably mean it will take a long time to get in. We shall see on this one as well.

"In the course of history many more people have died for their drink and their dope than have died for their religion or their country"---Aldous Huxley

"All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot."---Henry Ward Beecher

"Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values - and witnesses."---Franklin P. Jones

love
peter

"Feeling Sick"

For the first time in many years I have a minor illness. I have never been susceptible to colds or the flu but then again I didn't always have grandchildren. I was already a little under the weather but I'm prtty sure it didn't help when at 3 a.m. Colby sneezed right in my face from a distance of about 8 inches! I suppose it's my own fault for watching my grandson sleep but that's ok, I'll take the tradeoff.

When I look into the eyes of my grandchildren or just watch their faces while they sleep I see a peace and innocence that I can't find when I look in the mirror. And despite the fact that I can't seem to acquire the same state I am at least grateful that I have them as role models. Eventually I will get it!

I truly believe that they were sent to me primarily to teach me and I'm going to keep learning. I'm grateful to their parents for allowing me so much of their time.

Isn't it cool that children have absolutley no sense of racsim or sexism, no religious or national arrogance? How lightly we seem to take the fact that we have learned to hate each other for things like skin color, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or one of my favorites, nationality? The whole concept of these prejudices is absurd! If we would look closer at the chidren perhaps it would hit home that it took a lot of work to get so fucked up. The state we exist in as adults is not our natural state as human beings. Childhood is the natural state and we should strive to go back there.

Anyone want to go out and play?

"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today."---Stacia Tauscher

"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music."---William Stafford

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."---Rabindranath Tagore

love
peter

"I'm Ready For Christmas!"

I have my shopping all done and I didn't spend a penny! How, you may ask? Easy;I just informed my kids that if they expected something that they'd best write a letter to Santa. Also I think that this year I am gonna accomodate my wifes oft repeated wish that I don't buy her anything. Merry Christmas honey! So that just leaves the grandkids and Claudette is already experienced at spending money on them without my help.

I'm looking forward to a simple holiday with everyone together. Last year we were of course missing Jonathan but I'm pretty confident we'll see him this time around. I am working hard though to manage my expections around my children in general, whether it's related to things like family gatherings or just to the way they order their lives. I still live way too much on the edge of my seat wondering what kind of twist will come next. Oh well, when I'm dead I suppose I'll stop worrying.

Hey, I'm also ready for winter. I cleaned the garage out to make room for my truck(last year it lived outside) and I put the snow blower on the tractor and greased it. Man I'm organized! The first winter we lived here I thought I could make do with my front end loader and a blade. Fat chance! All that does is builds banks which creates a nice snow fence fot the wind to fill the driveway right back in...and then some! But a snow blower is much more fun anyway even if it is 50 years old.
Of course the pool has been long closed but I notice that it continues to leak like a sieve. I swear to god that pretty soon the things gonna become a flower bed. If it wasn't for Colby and Kylie it would already have happened.

Roos traing continues to go quite well. She ran 28.5 kms yesterday and all other workouts are also going strong. I think the combination of running, cycling and weights is gonna pay off for her. I, on the other hand have been struggling a little bit. My energy seems to be very low for some reason but I'm just trying to be patient in the hope that it will pass. Today I ran 16 kms with several little walking breaks. Pretty lame eh?

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."---Roy L. Smith

love
peter

"Blog, Blog, Blog"

Not tonite. I'm much too busy. What with my grandchildren being here and my Habs on TV I simply didn't have time.

Well actually I suppose I simply decided to do other things, like going to bed to read my book

"No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance."---Confucius

...and I really like this one...

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing"---Lao Tzu

love
peter

"The Twilight Zone"

Twilight is described in the dictionary as:

1. the soft, diffused light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, either from daybreak to sunrise or, more commonly, from sunset to nightfall.
2. the period in the morning or, more commonly, in the evening during which this light prevails.
3. a terminal period, esp. after full development, success, etc.: the twilight of his life.
4. a state of uncertainty, vagueness, or gloom.

Interesting to note that twilight refers to both the morning transition between night and day as well as that of the evening.

If this transition is indeed a period of uncertainty, vagueness and gloom then I spend some time in the twilight zone generally every morning. Nightime is a safe time because you can close everything out, the demons are hidden, while daytime seems to chase them away. It's the time in between that is a challenge. I wish I knew the answer to this problem. While it occurs to me to try to reduce the time that the twilght lasts by getting the day underway, it unfortunately seems as if the level of gloom while in the zone is proportionately opposite to the time spent there. If I take my time I can work my way through it, but trying to bull my way through means more short term discomfort.

I need to solve this!

And Elly. Up yours! I've long ago admitted I'm an idiot and so from my perspective that precludes the need for any apologies of any kind!

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”---Theodore Roosevelt

love
peter

"Amazing Grace"

While I was out running this morning I got this really cool idea for my post. For several hours the idea was percolating and even though it would probably be brief I still thought I could make it into something.

This afternoon my idea was pre-empted by other circumstances. I don't know if I've ever told you this but I have always wished that I had some talent for music. I especially wanted to be able to play the piano. Although I generally hold the belief that you can learn to do most anything you set your mind to, I also believe that if you've not received the genetic material for certain skills then your success in that area is going to be limited. Such is the way for me when it comes to music.

While I was out and about today I had the opportunity to listen to someone who clearly was blessed with the aforementioned gift. This young lady sat at the piano, without any music in front of her, and moved effortlessly from one song to another. She seemd barely conscious of her fingers literally gliding over the keys. For some reason I was motivated to go and talk to her. When I asked if I could sit on the bench with her she silently but clearly indicated that I could do so. She just kept playing through my questions only once stopping momentarily, explaining that she was in the wrong key...as If I would know the difference! In response to my question about the lack of sheet music she simply stated, "it's all in my head". I asked her if she had formal training and she told me "yes, she atarted taking lessons when she was 5 years old." For some reason I was inspired to ask her if she could play Amazing Grace. She just smiled and immdediately moved into the song. Even though we were in public I closed my eyea and let the tears run silently and unashamedly down my cheeks. This song automatically takes me back to my dads funeral, in a glorious uplifting way.

But I digress. Back to the young woman playing the piano for me. By this time I really felt that she was playing for me, as she explained that having someone join her on the bench was very uplifting for her. I think she would have played as long as I would listen. If it was a good experience for her it was doubly so for me. While I know that I will never be able to do what she does so effortlessly, for a few minutes I at least felt like I shared the experience of making music. The neat thing is that she welcomed me to come and repeat my experience another time...an offer I intend to take her up on. Her name is Lorraine.

By the way did I tell you that Lorraine has been playing the piano since she was 5 years old? I think I did. What I neglected to tell you is the reason behind the lack of sheet music. Lorraine sees only shadows...she is almost completely blind. Maybe I also neglected to tell you that Lorraine has now been playing the piano for ninety one years!!!!

Beyond my wish to be able to make music, today I wish also that I had the writing skill to share this moment with you in such a way that you would feel like you were living it with me. Alas, even if I managed to describe by half what I felt today I know that you will still be stirred and uplifted. Today I feel blessed!

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent”---Victor Hugo

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.”---Ralph Waldo Emerson

love
peter

"Shut Up And Stop Complaining"

And so I will, at least for today!

"The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak"---Baruch Spinoza

love
peter

"I Don't Like Mondays"

Now that I'm kind of back to working for a living (kind of)I'm startin to appreciate weekends again. The tradeoff is that I'm also re-learning to hate mondays. Today was monday wasn't it? So here's some monday bitching for your pleasure!

To Terry...no freakin eggs from these stupid chickens! ...All they know how to do is shit and eat!!

To Elly, no you can not breathe out through your nose! ...It is a totally closed system!!

To Cory, I had a freaking sleep study done last year but ...apparently it doesn't work on idiots!!

To Bernie, if you don't get better soon and go home I'm gonna come and kick your ass big time! ...I a1n't kidding!!

To my mother...how dare you not be here!!

To my father...same goes for you!!

To the London transit bus drivers...get real will ya!!

To all the hype about H1N1...give me a freaking break!!

To the Montreal Canadiens...pathetic!!

To the media everywhere...liars!!

To all politicians...ditto!!

To all politicians in business...I have no time for you!!

To people who don't keep their commitments...don't even talk to me!!

To all my children...NO!!

To Old John...I double dare you to give me some advice!!

"Every other day, every other day,
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me cryin' all of the time"---John Phillips

"I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."---Jane Wagner

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."---Joe Walsh

love
peter

"Coming to Terms"

I struggle with the battle between accepting things as they are, and having the guts to change them. In the old serenity prayer I suppose it would be the "wisdom to know the difference" part. As relates to this saliva thing I think I'm finally close to coming to terms with it. Two nights ago I tried the CPAP thing with the full mask with little success. I lasted about 3 hours. Last night I hooked the high tech CPAP mask up to my high tech vaporizer, again with no success. Lots of moisture but within 15 minutes I was soaking wet and coughing from the vapour. This afternoon I set up the CPAP again, but this time with the goofy nose thing but that didn't work at all. Since you have to breathe out through your mouth it dried me out instantly. Tonite I will make one last attempt with the CPAP and the full mask but if I have no luck then so be it. A week from tomorrow I go for my last set of PRP shots but I don't give that much chance of success either.

So here's the problem that I need some serenity to accept. I never feel rested. Every morning I wake up feeling like I've been drinking the night before. Frequently I get sleepy during the day. Occasionally I wonder if I would be better off if I gave up most of the exercise stuff? But despite the fact that it takes it's own toll I suspect that the tradeoff would still be a poor one. It may seem a contradiction but I truly believe that because exercise keeps my veins open and my blood pressure and weight down that it actually has a positive effect on my fatigue levels.

So like I say I'm pretty close to accepting the fact that this situation is not going to change. I think? I need to start focusing more on how best to deal with it. Most importantly I need to accept it as a physical limitation and not let it affect me emotionally. I'm sure just accepting it will help. Wish me luck!

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”---Paul Tournier

...but...

“Our accepting what we are must always inhibit our being what we ought to be.”---John Fowles

love
peter

"This Day Was Made For Me"

And I was grateful for it. Seventeen degrees and not a cloud in the sky on Nov 14th!

This is the beautiful gift I got for my birthday.
.

Everything nicely put together for the wall.

And of course a few beautiful children to share the day with makes it even more special.

I feel pretty good about being 54 years old. I have my health and my family and....well that's all I really have. Well no, actually I gots lots more "stuff" than that but I can't think of anything that really matters.

Of course I'm 54 years old and as such am re-evaluating those things that are truly important. When you're 6 years old there's still some other things I suppose. This evening Colby offered up the informtion that he can ride a motorcycle with 2 wheels. This was immediataly followed by, "Maybe you could get me one some time grampa?" And I suppose that's my fault eh? Oh well, when he's 54 or so I'll stop buying him stuff!

"Oh it's a mystery to me.

We have a greed, with which we have agreed...

and you think you have to want more than you need...

until you have it all, you won't be free."---Eddie Vedder

love

peter