"Book Report"

For some time Claudette had been encouraging me to read a book called Beautiful Boy. It is a true story (aren't they all) written by a man who suffered through years of his sons addiction to drugs. most notably methamphetamine(crystal meth). The authors name is David Sheff who was a professional writer by trade, and so how decent of his son to give him a great story. I probably resisted reading it because I was afraid to, and I can now say with good reason. Claudette had the sense not to pester me into it, probably knowing that my stubbornes would naturally resist any idea that wasn't my own. So while I say that my fears around reading the book have now been born out, I can also say that I am glad I read it. I think it was good for me to do so despite the pain that came with it. The author shares many very personal feelings that I believe can only be understood by someone who has a child, or children in this situation. It felt good to know that my overwhelming grief and fear is natural. In his research he also discovers and provides so much support for addiction as an illness rather than an immoral condition resulting from bad choices. I am pretty sure that even as I write this there will be people out there who contest that assertion, but if I had any doubt before I read this book it is gone now. This is not a story of your prototypical, lazy, good for nothing, street junkie who just likes to feed off of society. On the contrary, or at least the author would have us believe, that his son was a very bright, very well adjusted young man until for some reason as a teenager he discovered drugs. I'm not gonna give you the big dramatic argument tonite about illness vs habit but will rest my case on the fact that invariably every professional I have ever heard or read supports the illness hypothesis. Any other conjecture would also have to conclude that many cancers, at least one type of diabetes, and many types of heart disease are not illnesses either. Of course I should warn you that your conjecture would also perhaps start me into the tirade that I promised to contain...enough said.

The one thing that I will admit is that the first steps towards the illness of addiction are indeed voluntary. The big question, and it's one not deeply explored in the book is why do people fall into a habit that they generally know will result in a destructive lifestyle. There was a moment in the book that hit home to me. The young man was entering a rehab program and in response to the question, "what's wrong with you", he said, "I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict!". The counsellors comeback....."No! I mean what's wrong with you? Drugs and alcohol is the way you dealt with it but that's not what's wrong with you". The suggestion of course is that there is a deeper underlying reason why anyone needed to take this particular road to hell. While I happen to believe that strongly, and furthermore believe that the only way for an addict to have a chance at recovery is to deal with this underlying issue, I also know that many people with similar crap in their lives do not end up addicted to chemicals. Enter part two of the equation. Some people have strong physiological predispositions to dependancy. I believe that any person with this genetic tendency who is then also burdened with some kind of trauma in their lives is an accident waiting to happen. Absolutely no different than a person with a family history of heart disease who then chooses to eat a big mac every day. In actual fact I could argue that the addict is less responsible than the heart attack victim because unlike the decision to eat at McDonalds, the addict is rarely personally responsible for the trauma he suffered.

So what did I learn from the book that I don't really want to know. Probably the same thing that the author learned through his experience. It's probably not correct to say that I learned it because at least on an intellectual level think I have known it all along but have regularly denied it. Following Sheff and his son through their painful journey made it all too clear to me that an addict is always as addict. An addict never gets cured! The very best anyone can hope for is that the addict manages their addiction such that they can stay clean most of the time. As George Carlin so elegantly put it.... "Just because the monkeys off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". The reason I need to remember this, and the reason I don't want to is so that I can be better prepared the next time someone relapses. It gives me shivers even to write that because it will most likely happen and somehow it seems more probable simply because I acknowledge the idea. Best to stay in denial eh??? Well maybe not! Unlike Mr Sheff I have 2 reasons to be prepared for the inevitable.

The authors story parallels mine in more ways than the family addiciton shit. He too suffered a serious illness during the time of his sons trials, an illness which almost killed him. It was this aspect of his story that had the biggest impact on me and even left me feeling a little less abnormal, a little less guilty. He states that his illness made life even scarier as opposed to the feel good stories you frequently hear about the new appreciation near death survivors have for life. How good to know that I'm not alone. How good also to hear him tell that over time he did come to realize a new gratitude for life as a result of his health issues.

Just for the record. I believed that addiction was an illness long before I encountered it in my own life. I hope I don't seem too obsessed about all this stuff. If so I apologize only for putting my thoughts out on the airwaves, not for having them. And also please know that writing them down is good for me. Thanks dear for the book.

What slse did I learn or was reminded of...

1) relapse is a part of recovery
2)no one...I mean no one... wants to be an addict
3)denial of reality is a very "real" sympton of the disease
4)some people get inurred to their childrens self destruction...I have not
5) no matter how hard it is, it is harder yet for the addict
6) for the parent of a drug addict nothing is scarier than the ring of the phone
7)neither a job, nor a family, nor a home nor money can make it go away
8) living with addiction means living with uncertainty and suffering
9) the sooner you accept that uncertainty the sooner you will suffer less
10)where there is life there is hope

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you"---Kurt Cobain

"Oh, what'll you do now, my blue eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?"---Bob Dylan

love
peter