"Here's a Sobering Thought"

Not that I was drunk but while I was out and about today I met a lady who has 5 great, great, grandchildren. To put that in perspective, for me that would mean Colby or Kylies grandchidren!!! Holy cow! What if I live that long? Will they come to visit me at the old folks home, or will they be like many other extended families of our seniors(or in some cases immediate families)?---pretty well oblivious! Not that I blame anyone. All the years that my own mother spent in a home I maybe visited her 10 times. I always dispatched any guilt with the knowledge that my siblings were there almost daily. But now I admit some regret at least if not guilt. I make the distinction because guilt implies that you let someone else down, while regret implies that I let myself down. I'm pretty confident that at least in her later years my presence or lack thereof wouldn't have made a lick of difference. She suffered from Alzheimers. It is only recently as I make an effort to get to know some "old" people that I realized what an opportunity I missed. I could have gotten the same thrill at making an old person smile with my very own Mom! I know it would have been a special challenge because of her illness but in my arrogance I believe I could have gotten through at moments. I have experienced it at times with some of the residents who normally appear to be totally absent. As I write this I realize that if there be any merit to my theory than maybe I could have actually made a "lick of difference" with Mom after all...hmmm? Maybe I could have added a few seconds of pleasure to her world? Think I should feel guilty?

I think probably not. If I can live with all the stuff I put her through as a teenager and young adult then the last few years pale in comparison. Besides, there's not much value in the emotion. Even regret doesn't have any worth unless perhaps it motivates you to do something different in the future, or in some other way add value to the world. That's what I'm gonna focus on.

I'm also trying to build a sense of responsibiliy into my grand children by spending time with them. I think that the investment should pay off in that if they don't want to come visit me themselves, maybe they will at least force their kids to do so.

Towards that end Colby and I mafe supper together tonite. Guess what we had? Scrambled eggs! Made of course with our very own farm fresh eggs. It was a special moment which I decided to store in my brain instead of on a computer. That way when I get old and forget what day it is, I will still probably remember this particular supper, on this particular day, and I would be willing to bet that he will as well.

"We do not remember days; we remember moments."---Cesare Pavese

"The memory is a treasurer to whom we must give funds, if we would draw the assistance we need."---Nicholas Rowe