"Nervous"

It's now 6:45 pm. I'm not sure why but I get nervous more easily than I used to. Things that in the past I would have faced with equanimity (I looked it up to be sure) , I now sometimes move into with uncertainty. I'm not sure why and I'm not even sure if it's a bad thing. It could just be as a result of a new found humility, if that doesn't seem to far fetched? When you have little regard for the obstacles in your way it's easy to be courageous. When you come to realize that your not so all powerful it's more natural to get a little nervous. Or at least that's my rationalization and I think I'm gonna stick with it. I should also make a distincation between nervousness and anxiety which I still battle at times. I'm ok with the former because usually there is an upcoming event or situation that causes it, while anxiety, at least for me, can not be contributed to a specific cause.

It's now 7 pm and I'm nervous because of a specific upcoming event. It is not too late to change my mind about attending. I have labored over this decision for the last several hours, ever since remembering that tonite was the night I had committed to. When I say committed to I'm only talking about a promise to myself. I actually had my coat on and was heading out the door when for some reason I rechecked the time, only to discover that I would have been there an hour early. That seemed like a clear message to put my coat back on the hook and sit down to watch the hockey game instead. Maybe I could even crack a cold one? My nervousness would dissipate and I would be free!

It's now 7:15 pm and I still have my coat on, the TV is still off, and I'm sitting with my laptop writing to you (no beer). Some nervousnees went away just knowing that the event was still a little ways off and again my head is telling me...don't go! In contradiction to that I am starting to sweat more but I think that's just because I still have my coat on! I'm wrestling with the decision, and as I type the words I have to smile because I'm wearing my high school wrestling jacket....hmmm. What would I have done when I was sixteen? I'm pretty sure I would have bailed.

It's now 7:25 pm and here I sit. The clock is ticking. I have to leave pretty soon if I'm going to go. Without knowing what the hell I'm even talking about what does your instinct tell you I should do? I'm pretty sure that I know. Even if the thing doesn't turn into anything useful I must have had a reason to make the commitment to myself some days ago. If I don't go I will never know what it could mean for me.

It's now 7:30 pm and I remind myself that all things are hard before they are easy. That's why I'm getting out of this chair and heading out to Central United Church! No, no, no, don't fret my friends! I'm not about to become a complete hypocrite just yet. I'm headin out the door to see what an Al-Anon meeting feels like. It just happens to be in a church basement. Wish me luck! I'm nervous!

It's now 9:45. If I said earlier that I am a little more humble than I used to be I now realize that I still have a ways to go. There is a certain element of arrogance, a bit of an attitude of superiority in the delusion that you are carrying the whole world on your shoulders; that your problems are so much more important and earth shaking than anyone else's. I didn't learn a whole lot of practical stuff at the meeting but then practical stuff is not my limitation. My limitation is my attitude, my feelings of responsibility, of failure, of fear and regret. And above all else my feelings of self pity! Some of the stories I heard tonite left me with a very strong sense of gratitude that I have so little to agonize over. Stories of siblings, children, spouses, grandchildren, parents, and stories of drugs and alcohol, and stories of pain and grief that make mine seem like a television sitcom. Crushing stories of suicide and despair. Stories of people who have no one to share their burdens other than the other poeple in the room! I would not dare tell those people of my amazing spouse, my twelve (yes twelve!) caring siblings, my four beautiful sons, my courageous daughter, and those two unbelievable grandchildren. They would throw me out of their meeting.

It's now 10:30. It's my bedtime and I have a feeling that I'm gonna sleep well. I know however that despite my current positive feelings I will still have lots of tough spots in the future. But as the alcoholics and the drug addicts say, just for today, I'm gonna be ok.

“Humility is to make a right estimate of one's self."---Charles H. Spurgeon

The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it"---Mignon McLaughlin

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be."---Ralph W. Sockman

love
peter