"My Family"

Sometimes it occurs to me to wonder what people think of this unusual family of mine. My children with all of their special gifts and challenges, my siblings with all their idiosyncracies, and all those just as crazy, extended family members,(including my spouse) many of whom are closer to this family than they are their own.

When I say I wonder what people may think I don't say it in any defensive manner. I'm not worried that they may think poorly of us, I'm just really curious. Once upon a time I would have been self consciuous, or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say I would be insecure about how we would be judged by outsiders, but not so anymore.

I'm pretty sure I know what has changed for me, and why I now simply wonder as opposed to worry, about others perceptions. Certainly the humbling experience of my illness was a big factor in my attitude to others perception of myself, (I sank low enough that I simply stopped caring) but I also think that indirectly it resulted in a more robust feeling of confidence and pride in my family.

One of the wonderful things that happens to me every once in a while as a direct result of this blog is that I get moments of clarity around something that I never even realized I was pondering; moments when I realise that something has changed. This thing about my family is one of them. When I started writing today I had no idea that it was going to be one of those moments and I hope I can do it justice in trying to explain it to you.

Here it is. When I realised that I may be curious to know how others viewed us, it was because I would like to compare it to how I, myself, have recently come to view all those most dear to me. That may not seem like such an 'ahah', or such a moment of clarity, but if not, it's only because I can't find the right words to express it. Bear with me and let me try a little more. I know in my heart that for a very long time I saw my family as assets and/or liabilities depending on what they were doing or achieving, and/or what they could do for me. That is a very sad thing and when I realised with the very first sentence of my post today that I no longer look at them that way, believe me it was a "moment of clarity". I now look at them simply as my family; a family who I acknowledge I never really knew that well: a family who I am enjoying getting to know better. Sure enough I am forming lots of new, hopefully non-judgemental opinions about individual members but I think more significantly I am forming new opinions around what is clearly a remarkable group of individuals; a remarkable family. By the way, dictionary.com defines remarkable as notably or conspicuously unusual.

I think that based on that definition my family qualifies as remarkable and it simply sets me to wondering what others think? I hope all that makes sense to someone??

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable."---Wendy Wasserstein

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."---Jane Howard

love
peter