"Your conscience....that little voice inside you that won't let you slack off. You know the voice. It keeps your diet in check. It drags you out of bed on saturday morning to train when every last one of your friends is still sleeping. It pounds away at you, demanding the most out of every single workout, and beats you up inside when you fail to deliver your best. It is what seperates you from the pack. Bigger, stronger, faster, better, more conditioned....that's your voice talking to you"
I got that whole spiel from an advertisement in a cycling magazine, and thought it was pretty good. It is definitely a good description of how I regularly feel. My own little voice is a constant driver for me in many positive ways
The problem is "my" little voice also has an alter ego who tells me stuff. He tells me that I'm not good enough, that I do so many things wrong. He tells me that I don't work hard enough. He reminds me constantly of some task I need to do. He tells me that I need more money and more stuff while at the same time telling me that I spend too much money. He tells me that there's not enough time, I better hurry. He tells me to feel quilty! He tells me to never, ever, ever relax! He tells me there's no hope of peace. He tells me I don't deserve it.
Someone, please, please tell me how to embrace my little voice while figuring out how to shut up his alter ego. This is not a rhetorical question.
The alter ego won out today during my workout. I went to do hills and ended up doing 2, with a walk/jog home. Too much stupid stuff on my mind.
I wish to dedicate day 61 to my good friend Kathy from Iowa who is also a survivor, and who claims to look forward to her birthdays! I'm pretty sure she listens only to her good voice.
For my little voice....
“The only tyrant I accept in this world is the 'still small voice' within"---Mahatma Gandhi
And for his alter ego....
"O Conscience, into what abyss of fears And horrors hast thou driven me, out of which I find no way, from deep to deeper plunged".----John Milton
love
peter
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5 comments:
Hey Peter
todays blog leaves me a little worried. I'm not sure because I'm definitely trying to read between the lines, and it feels like a big struggle going on there. First of all, cycling magazines are like porn - you should only look at the pictures for inspiration and not bother with the rest, its just filler. Secondly, being "good enough" and being perfect are not synonymous. I believe that when the mind puts these road blocks (insecurities, lack of confidence, low moods) in the path of conquering our heart's desires, its an opportunity to let the realist out for a bit. Perhaps you've just lost sight of your goals - I don't know when they started to include being all things to all people. I often notice in your blog a sense of guilt if you don't have much to say or if you aren't able to inspire someone on any given day. These things started out as a wonderful side effect but seem to have become a responsibility. The blog was for you remember? Same thing goes for the Iron Man. Your goal was to do all you could to accomplish this feat. There is no way to fail. You can change your mind, you can decide to persue a different goal, you can accept that you're way too fucking old and decrepit, and those would not be failures, only direction changes. They have no impact on how "good enough" you are. As matriarch and supreme know-it-all in this family I am here to tell you - You are good enough, better than most, and will never be perfect, thank God. Many years ago you brought me a paper clipping which contained a definition of success that you aspired to because it reminded you of Dad. Get that out and read it! If you don't remember, let me know because I will find it for you! Buck up Old Man! I love you and your lofty goals.
I read your blog late last night just before going to bed and tried to come up with something wise to say that might help you. Nothing came to me. Then this morning I started my day with today's reading in my "One Day at a Time" book and there was the answer! "look for humor in every situation; your higher power is a laughing God who reminds you not to take yourself too seriously". So I think the message is you should let your alter ego have his say and then promptly laught at him. The mere suggestion that you are not "good" enough, not "strong" enough, not "commited"enought is laughable; LMFAO!!!
I thought of you again this morning as I was riding to work in the cold -7 (-13 wind chill). I thought to myself "if I peed my pants right now it would feel very warm FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS!! No thanks; I'm gratefull that my ass is never in the saddle long enought to make that an issue. My biggest problem riding in the cold is that my eye's tear constantly and the risk of "frozen tears" is great!! I asked my ophthalmologist about it and he said "suck it up Mary, you're just getting old". It's a good thing that he is my friend and a kind, gentle man or that comment might have pissed me off. If anyone has a sugggestion I would love to hear it. Right now I just cover my face with "extra emollient night cream" (thanks Cory for introducing us to that great stuff; good for numerous maladies). It at least protects my delicate facial skin from getting really chapped from the constant flow of salty water combined with the cold. LMFAO again; there is nothing "delicate" about me.
Just remember Peter that your "alter ego" is just a silly pissant who doesn't know SHIT!! love, mary
Cory, you are indeed the matriarch and supreme know it all in this family; your comments are always as much of an inspiration to me as Peter's blog. You are both wise and "better than most" and also "older than me".
love, Old Mary
I'm getting younger every day! And that's thanks to you young chickens who keep me believing in all that is good and right.
"The definition of success - to laugh much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson
When you define your worth remember success is a JOURNEY. It has multiple peaks and valleys, and each setback becomes a catlyst that forms the foothills for the next seemingly insurmountable peak!
I made that one up!!! holy crap!!
Cory...you hit the nail on the head. After reading your response, I would of sworn you were in the same room as Pete and I this morning listening in on our dialogue.
I know, normally I try to find fault in what you say just so I can banter back and forth with you, which is my way of showing affection for you, but today you have spoken true wisdom.
Thanks for being a great sister and friend to us.
By the way, I will make up for the kind words later.
Mary...you are a true inspiration and I hope that I can look on life the way you do especially after what challenges God has sent your way one of which affects your eye vision called RP.
I enjoy reading your personal stories and it helps me to keep focus on the important things in life.
Pete...you need to stay more focused on the journey as oppose to the destination.
Love you all unconditionally
Roo
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