"All The World's a Stage, & This Woman Merely a Player"

Now that the stage has been set by a tough act, ‘Cory’, it is my turn to bring the curtain down. I am finally doing a guest blog after myriad attempts by Pete to convince me. I have been told I have the gift of the gab, but putting pen to paper is a challenge. My handicap is to be succinct and to the point. The dilemma is what to write about? After much digressing I realized that I could talk about the many roles that I play.

I am turning 48 this year and I am feeling more at peace with myself than I ever have. There are reasons that have contributed to this calmness, but a significant one is dealing with the “love” bestowed upon me as a child. While some of you already know, there are going to be many of you who are hearing it for the first time. I am no longer embarrassed about the sexual abuse I sustained, but proud of the hard work I put into the therapy that allowed me to forgive, which in turn allowed me to move on. I believe it has made me a better person. My only regret is that I wish I hadn’t waited so long to deal with it, then as a mother I would have had more control over decision making when it came to the well being of my children. It is not too late, because I am here for them right now. All of me! In conclusion on this segment, I have realized that I am NOT ALONE!

As a daughter, and one of nine kids, I felt like I had to be the peacemaker. I have some fond memories but they are overshadowed by the ‘male’ domineering ego at the head of the household. The gender roles played an integral part in day to day life—boys and their toys --girls and the dishes.

As a sister, I was the middle child of 4 boys and 4 girls, one of whom passed on 40 years ago. I strongly agree with the ‘middle child syndrome’. I experienced mainly feelings of not belonging, low self-esteem and eagerness to please among other factors. I am still addled today as to what my true purpose in life is!

As a wife I was not always easy to live with. I got better with age, particularly after taking care of my inner demons. Pete alluded in a previous blog the space that exists between stimulus and response and how it affected our decisions in life. Being raised on conditional love my gap was small and thus my response most times was irrational. I believe through therapy and by reducing contact with those I appeased in the name of love, my space has been allowed to widen and my responses to be calm and rational.
Also, Pete and I became very close after his near bout of cancer and near death. It was a life altering time for both us. A negative has become a positive in many ways bringing us closer together but our roles reversed. Pete has become more ambivalent about what to be doing in life, where I have become stronger and wanting to move forward in life.

As a mother, relying on gut instincts as a tool, I raised my kids the best possible way I could. The ups and downs contributed to my overall strength in dealing with and admitting I was not perfect. To all of them I tell you today that I’ll pay for your therapy....if and when you need to talk to someone about your mother. I love each and every one of my boys for their own individuality. I see each of them to as one of my teachers in their own right. Jon—I call my handyman; Michael—I call my psychologist; Adrian—I call my sports encyclopaedia; Peter—I call my humorist.

As a sister-in-law, I am blessed and grateful for many of my siblings by marriage especially on my husbands side (AKA the idiots). They taught me the greatest lesson in life called ‘unconditional love’ for which I am forever grateful. This transpired when Pete was diagnosed with throat cancer and they gave up their time from work and families to help me through this trying time. I will forever be indebted to them for this. Thanks!

As a grandmother is the grandest thing I have ever been blessed to do! In hindsight –if I had known then what I know now, I could have done a better job in raising my own boys. I feel like having a grandchild is God’s way of giving me another chance. I believe it is a grandmother's privilege to indulge them with special treats. But there are certain guidelines that Kylie and Colby know that are not to be crossed...namely their manners and their kindness to others. The best part of being a Grandmother is that I can just love them. When I was a parent, I was the boss, disciplinarian and nurse when they were sick. As a Grandma, I get to pick and choose when to have them over, go with them to the fun stuff and take them home when I want to.

As a friend, I have come to learn so many things about real friendship, most important of all, that it does take two to make a wonderful friendship. Again, through therapy I figured out that I have very few friends and many more acquaintances. A true friend is going to love me for me. They can find out my past and still love me. They are there to listen any time I need to talk or cry. They will not tell any of my secrets unless the secret is endangering my life. They can be truthful with me regardless if it hurts my feelings. They don’t talk about me behind my back and they stick by me no matter what.. They don’t end up disappearing from my life without good reason and they remain close. They would give me the shirt off of their back if I needed it.

As a woman, when I hit 50(and I’m getting close) I am rewarding myself by participating in the ‘outward bound’ mindfulness program in the mountains of Calgary Alberta. Mindfulness is the ability to be deeply present in the here and now. The exciting part of the 8 day program is the 24 hours alone in the wilderness reflecting on your life. The site claims the solo has been a defining moment in people’s lives that has helped them to gain a deeper insight into their world. Although a challenge that makes me nervous I’m very excited about it.
If you are playing the role of mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister and wife, you will understand that these multiple roles can be very complex and challenging, but letting go of playing perfect roles is the first step to accepting yourself as who you are.

Things for which I'm proud of myself today:
• Volunteering at the hospital
• Learned to love myself by being aware that it is self care NOT self-centered.
• Taking the time to be with my grandkids. This one is so easy!
• Learned to let go by taking failure as a form of feedback.
• I discovered that tough love works by removing washer and dryer privileges.
• Going back to school and earning a 4 year BA honours in Kinesiology

Things that I dislike about myself today:
• Being so competitive with certain people especially my husband.
• Control issues.
• Unable to leave short messages on answering machine so I don’t have to call back to finish.
• I care too much about what people think
• I am loud and talk too much!
• That I still have jealous moments!

Food for thought
• How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
• Can you cry under water?
• Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Live, love and laugh
Roo

“Secrets are made to be found out with time."---Charles Sanford

"Heaven will be no heaven to me if I do not meet my wife there."--- Andrew Jackson

love
peter