"Back From The Brink"

Never give up! Never surrender!

Well, he did it. He being my father, that is, let's just say, persuaded me into writing a few words for his blog. Writing has always been a little difficult for me, so I hope everyone can just bear with me for a few minutes.

I wouldn't mind talking a little about my life. The goods, bads, and in-betweens of being Jonathan. At times it seems all is great, and other times couldn't get much worse. This might not make sense to some, but when I'm clean, it seems like I have too many thoughts and feelings...or I guess I should say that I HAVE thoughts and feelings. I can't even seem to get through one full day without some kind of negative thought...whether it's thoughts about all the people I have let down, lost, or hurt in one form or another. I find I get a lot of my strength from my father and brother when it comes to having hurtful and emotional thoughts. My father is the man that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing...(right or wrong)...he would always answer his phone when I called. This was sometimes a good thing and sometimes not. As my friends slowly passed away, or just disappeared, he was always there...then the days came when reality set in. I thought I might lose the man that was always there for me.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was getting picked up from my brother to go see him in the hospital. As far as I knew and thought, he was just going to be good old dad. But let me tell you...when I walked into the room and saw my father laying there in the shape he was in, I felt like I just walked into his funeral. All was quiet. I walked up to my father and the first words that came out of his mouth were, "Where the fuck have you been?" It felt like I was just shot. The words hurt, but they were the truth. All the years that he never failed to pick up that phone...and where the fuck was I when he needed me?! After I got a hold of myself, I realized that if he had the strength to swear at one of his own children, which was just the way dad was when one us weren't supposed to be where we were...then he was going to be fine.

But really, after that day of realizing how quick you can lose a real friend, and an amazing father at one time, I knew that from that day and for the rest of my life, when he does need me (which is not often), I will not let down my good friend again.

Also for the first time, I'm in a postiton that's new to me. At times I think it might be a good thing to be in this position, even though it's tough. So I can understand what some of my loved ones have felt. Someone who is very close to me that I would normally call for support and strength, is using again. I can't help but to worry about him. My father tells me I have to stop worrying, and that I can't do anything about it. That really makes me laugh...especially coming from him. If anyone knows how difficult and nearly impossible it is not to worry when a loved one is struggling, it's him. I'm trying to just accept that I can't control or change him. But I do know that what I say, and how I talk to him, makes a difference on how the rest of his day will unfold. I know this from experience. I also need to make sure that I am there for him when he needs to talk or just hang out. One of the hardest things is not talking negative about his addiction. He knows what's right and wrong. I remember there were times when I really needed to talk with someone but I was worried about just getting lectured and hearing about what's "right and wrong."

Well, I guess that's enough abougt the hard things in my life. There are a lot of things I have to be happy about. I can say that I have been clean for almost 9 months. I get to spend unforgettable time with my niece and nephew. I'm getting to fix some of my past screw-ups. I finally got my own place. I have an amazing girlfriend that, I feel, is irreplaceable. She has become a need in my life, and I hope to become my partner in life. I have an amazing family that I can always turn to, and what's starting to feel like a normal life again.

Jonathan.

"God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.”---Chester W. Nimitz

Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”---Winston Churchill

love
peter