First off, as promised, I wish to tell you that I really enjoyed my Brazil experience. Sao Paulo is a huge modern city of almost 20 million people and just as many cars. My most significant experiences involved the traffic, particularly the fact that the lanes are for cars, and the white lines are for motorcycles which always drive at least twice as fast as the cars. I also enjoyed getting my sense of direction messed up several times, until I finally realized that the sun was always in the northern sky as opposed to what I have been used to for 54 years. If you forget this fact then east becomes west, and vice versa. Anyway enought about that. The decision as to whether I will be going back is still up in the air so to speak. I'll keep you posted. Back to the topic.
Those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter. That's why I have finally decided to venture into waters that may lose me a few acquaintances, but most certainly won't lose me any friends. Not real friends anyway.
I have procrastinated bringing this topic up many times primarily because I was afraid to. I know that may surprise you, and you would be right in thinking that there are not many things that I'm chicken to get into. I suppose that's why I knew that at some point I needed to do so. Anything you are afraid of needs to be faced at some point.
So what the hell am I talking about you say? Well I'm talking about Elton John, and Freddie Mercury, Rock Hudson, and Melissa Ethridge, and if you don't get the theme yet, what about the great Liberace, the queerest of them all.
I don't know when I first realized that one of my very own fit into the same category but I think it was close to 10 years ago. At first I just kept it locked up in my closet(pun intended) but I knew it couldn't stay there. Claudette and I never talked about it although we both knew what the other knew. We just had some kind of unspoken understanding that no one was going to bring it up. That all changed about 3 years ago when one day we both got an e-mail from Michael which basically said "Hey I'm gay, any questions?"
So there it is. I said it out loud. Not that I'm ashamed in any way shape or form, but yes, sometimes I'm afraid. Afraid for him and afraid for me. If I'm honest probably mostly for me. He is such a remarkable, kind, and thoughtful young man with a solid grip on life that he probably has nothing to fear. He has build incredible relationships and finds himself surrounded by many dear friends.
But he's no Freddie Mercury and as such doesn't have the protection that somehow comes with celebrity status. I know many extreme homophobes who are also major fans of Freddie, almost as if his incredible talent somehow mitigates the stigma attached to his sexual orientation. There is no such protection for my son and that leaves me constantly nervous about how he may be treated in any given situation.
In the end though I suspect my fear is still more about me than about him. I am proud of myself in that my feelings for him have not changed in the least, and as always I would defend him with my life. I know there are many parents, men especially, that have turned away from their children in the same situation. Amongst those who have not I suspect that I am not alone in my struggle to come to terms with having a gay child, however I don't like the fact that I even struggle. Maybe confessing my inner turnoil will help.
And practice, practice, practice. I have come to realize that with most prejudices your daily habits of thought and speech can strengthen or quiet your shameful attitudes. That's why every time I use the word queer, I am referring to a 3 dollar bill, every time I say faggot I'll be talking about a bundle of sticks for my fire, and when I talk about a dyke it will be something that my grandfather built in Holland to hold the sea back. Homo of course is a kind of milk which I never drink because it makes me fat.
I encourage you to try to discipline yourself the same way. If you don't learn now, you may one day have to stare it in the face anyway, just as I did. I am actually grateful for it as I know it has made me a better man.
In closing I only care to say that I am also grateful to my son because I know that he forgives me my fears and struggles, even as I work to overcome them. He is my strength, and my inspiration
"I am as gay as a daffodil, my dear"---Freddie Mercury
"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."---Robin Tyler
love
peter
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11 comments:
Great post Pete!. I suspect we all have some learning, or in this case un-learning to do on this subject. I agree that most of the fears are probably your own as I think your son has already proven he knows how to take care of himself, and even though you would defend his life with yours, you most likely will never have to.
Love Old John
This post is terrific and definitely demands a response.
Unfortunately we can only learn what we are exposed to or taught. All those words you mention were a part of my education as a youngster in school and I learned them as derogatory descriptions of people and things without ever knowing what they referenced. I don't remember even realizing that homosexuality existed till I was an adult. So the reality needed to be learned and the language unlearned, as John so properly put it. I have deep feelings of shame for my own ignorance and also for those who are unable to learn that their own reality is not the only normal one. Your Michael is strong and proud because he was allowed a loving environment to be himself. Your fears are the same fears we have for all our children, that they will be faced with difficult and frightening encounters in their lives. It is easier to worry about things that are "in your face", but remember there are so many other things that could happen - war, serious traffic accidents, any number of disfiguring or debilitating diseases, unrequited love, etc., etc. You want only happiness and good things for all your children, and the fact that Michael will face some different challenges doesn't mean he is at any greater risk of having life shit on him than any of our other children. And your fears and confusions are those we all have as parents and nothing to be ashamed of! Not having to live in a CLOSET and deny himself, as so many before him were forced to do, (including one of the most amazing men I have ever had the priviledge of knowing, our borther,) will give Michael a huge leg up.
Love always
I feel like I should have something profound to add, but I think it's all been said, and said well. I'll just add that I'm very proud of, among other things, being a part of this family.
You guys are an amazing bunch and while there is no question that we had a seriously whitebread upbringing, I'm very proud to hear my children be proud of or make fun of their gay family members, just as they would the rest of you lunatics, depending of course on which the situation called for.
Love You
Great post Peter, and great comments as well. I just love all of you.
Dad, your statement that your feelings for me "have not changed in the least" couldn't be any more of an absolute truth, as it is reflected in the fact that I have not once felt I've been treated differently by you since I have been "out". If anything, our relationship has only gotten better.
This relationship habitually reminds me of how lucky I am to have two great parents who love me for who I am, which has allowed me to become a well-adjusted individual out in the world, despite how largely homophobic and (extremely) heteronormative it still is, and thus how unaccepted I can feel sometimes.
The thing about "coming out" is that it isn't a one time thing; it is, rather, a lifetime process. And every day, with every new person I meet - new acquaintance, new friend, new co-worker - I have to struggle with "coming out" to them (whether to do so at all) and must consider the consequences of doing so. Even with family members who are not aware of my sexuality and ask me persistently if I "have a girlfriend yet", I have to weigh whether I should stick with the usual cut and dry "no" response, or whether I should just come out with it… "no, I don't have a girlfriend, but would you like to ask me if I have a boyfriend?"
It is annoying, to say the least, that I have to "come out" all the time; for the heterosexual majority, you do not have to disclose your sexual orientation and you don't have to worry that it will destroy a relationship with someone you may have begun to cherish.
With all that being said, Dad is right in saying that I have managed to surround myself with really amazing people and friends, and I am blessed with the family I have been given. And ultimately, even with the disadvantages I may face, as well as the 'shit' that I see happen to gay friends and gay people in general, I don't live a life of fear, but instead I live a really happy life and one with a real appreciation for the good people in it.
I also shared the same fears as Pete, about the challenges of being gay in today's world. Your right Cory, the way has been paved by others, but it is still very much a covertly homophobic world.
My fears no longer exists since I have the privilege of getting together once a week with him to play poker. Our convos before and after poker have allowed me to better understand his perpestive. He truly has surrounded himself with some great friends which have helped him to be as open as he possibly can.
Through Michael's anecdotes, I have come to realize that because of who he is, I am the person I am and I am grateful for that.
I care that Michael is compassionate, kind,loving, giving, caring, hardworking focus individual. His sexual orientation says nothing about who he is. The world would be a better place if there were more peple like him.
I am PROUD to have him as my son!
OLD Roo
Pete I am so pleased to read about your struggle!
My pet peeve is people referring the anything they don't like, think is stupid, etc. as "Thats so Gay" and then they're shocked that we might be offended!
We all have so far to go...I still find myself sensoring my public affection for Ky because of my internalized homophobia.
It's a great first step to talk about it publicly Pete because then we all learn.
Love you - love Michael - love Roo
I was once challenged in our staff room with a conversation that was going on about how wrong it was to be gay. When I objected, most people just left, but one person kept arguing with me and finally said, "well, at least you have to admit that it's not normal!", to which I replied, "sure, if you admit that there is NO normal, every one of us is completely unique"
I have been gifted by knowing some truly remarkable people and feel blessed. As far as Michael goes, I don't ever remember knowing some one so young who is so talented, intelligent, compassionate, expressive, just an all round amazing person, that I look forward to what he will do with the rest of his life. Regardless of what he does, he will be living it to the full!! Love you all...
All we can do is raise our kids and grandkids to understand and respect difference. To love people for who they are as individuals. We have to lead by example.
Our society has come a long way, yet still we have many generations to teach. I truly think that if we pass on healthy values to our kids they will do the same to theirs, and one day (not in our lifetime unfortunately) homosexuality will be treated with the same indifference as heterosexuality.
I remember having the conversation with Colby a couple years ago. And in doing so, I realized that its not a complicated thing to explain to children. It's simple. And they are an empty canvas to teach. It took all of 2 minutes to say "Sometimes men marry ladies because they fall in love, and sometimes men marry men, and sometimes ladies marry ladies. We can't help who we fall in love with. Everybody is different and thats what makes us special." or something like that...I may have fumbled with my words a bit more because of my worries in saying the wrong thing.
Anyway, just my two cents. :)
Mom, I love you.
Deb, I couldn't agree more.
Elly and Miguette, I really, really appreciate both of your comments. I smiled after reading each. It is people like you that will help change this world, whether it is challenging co-workers or educating children. Thank you for that.
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