Do you ever just get pissed off at the entire world, with no good reason? That's the way it's been for me today. I was going to go on a tirade about all the things, and all the people that made me mad today, but I stopped myself. But only because I realized it probably wasn't going to get me any sympathy, and also because it probably wouldn't make me feel any better. There is just the one thing I suppose that I need to get off my chest.
Why oh why did I wake up this morning, after a decent nights sleep, feeling like I just wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of my freakin life?? Somebody tell me! My rational mind tells me that I should be at peace as I truly have little worth worrying about, and yet I can't capture that elusive feeling. Why can't I just focus on my Ironman without feeling guilty about it, and say screw everything else!
The worst thing is that I'm quite sure that the anger negatively impacts my training, at least if todays workouts were any indication. It's hard enough to remain motivated through these dog days of winter without wasting energy on useless crap. I spent about a half hour of what I believe was useless time in the pool, and then another hour sitting on my bike doing more useless riding. Neither workout was focused or intense.
Tomorrow I will run hills, come hell or high water!
I went to the bookstore in London to get a particular novel I was after and while there I of course checked the triathlon section to see if there was anything new. While looking through a few publications I have not seen before I of course got annoyed by the same old complex bullshit. Then it occurred to me that again my attitude was just a by-product of my anger. I'm smart enough(I think) to take all that advice and make something useful out of it but my anger at the nonsense gets in the way.
I say I should be at peace but there must be something eh? There must be an underlying reason that I backslide like this. Something that I haven't faced yet. My own mortality maybe, I don't know...or maybe I do know but am just afraid to come face to face with it? What I know for sure is that I don't like it, and if I may feel sorry for myself for a minute, I think I deserve better
As I sit here and write this I can recapture some positve spirit, but I have no confidence it will survive the night. I do hope that this doesn't discourage anyone on my behalf as that's not my intent....just putting my insides on my outside where maybe they'll get some sunshine...
I suppose I just have to keep at it eh? The other option is not acceptable!
I wish to dedicate day 131 to my grade six teacher, Mrs Viola Stack, who never gave homework on the weekends. I think I spent a whole year in her class not being angry
...so on anger...
"The proud man hath no God; the envious man hath no neighbour; the angry man hath not himself."---Joseph Hall
"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind."---Robert G. Ingersoll
....and on peace....
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."---Mother Teresa
"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."---John Lennon
....and on anger again....
"I wasn't angry the night I shot him."--- Mark David Chapman
love
peter
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6 comments:
I cant help you explain it, just tell you that I understand, I get the same thing. Days when you can tell yourself that you have everything in life that is important and yet this sense fo wanting to explode with anger and frustration. I do know, however, that it passes,though sometimes I have to find a place where I can scream and cry and rail at the world for a few minutes (without anyone know that I am loony)
love you
t
Teresa, thanks for putting your insides on the outside! Love you more!!!!
Peter, I read this motivator after reading your blog and wanted to share the thought with you. Take care my friend. Bonnie
It's called: "Make a promise" so here goes....
Make a promise to yourself and keep it. There's something that you've always desired, and now is the time to make it real.
You are fully capable of reaching whatever you decide to reach. Promise yourself something wonderful, and then do what it takes to fulfill that promise.
Stop groaning about how unfair life is. Start making life into something grand and joyful.
Every problem is an opportunity to make an improvement. Pick a particularly vexing problem and promise yourself that you'll get triumphantly beyond it.
Find a dream that positively inspires you and promise yourself that you'll reach it. Make a serious commitment to the richness of your own life, and follow through on that commitment.
You can do it if you'll simply choose to do it. Make a promise to yourself, and make it happen.
-- Ralph Marston
How very selfish of you. How selfish. Having had a good nights sleep, and still not wake up grateful for all of the wonderful things that have presented themselves to you in life... Oh wait! I meant to say, How very normal of you. Self worth. I struggle with it on a regular basis. I also struggle with many, many others self worth on a regular basis. My job insists I do. You are allowed to feel sorry for your self. You are allowed to feel guilt. You are allowed to feel like you don't deserve to spend your time concentrating on your self. You can feel like shit, you can hate the world, you can even hate yourself. Allow your self to feel. While you are doing all of that feeling, which you are entitled to. Having said all that. You are loved very much. We do not only love your perfections, and you triumphs. The people who truly love you, do so without contempt. I love everything about you, including your self loathing, self destructive thoughts.I need you to know something about me. Something that I don't share with many people. Now sharing it here will mean the entire world can read it. Knowing that, and deciding to type it anyway is not so easy. If there is a possibility it may help you in any way, to get out of your morning slump, I am willing to risk exposure. Everyday when I awake, EVERY DAY, I have thought of drug use. Not because I want to use drugs, because I don't. I have no control, or at least, I feel like I have no control. Having lived a life free from any mind altering substances for over two years now, these thoughts weigh on me like a million tons. My daily thoughts drag me to depths that have no measure. To depths that crush. Sometimes I can not breathe. To get out of bed seems harder even than the preceding two years of my life. I get up any way. I get up even if I feel like a millions tons of rock sits on my chest. I get up because I know I can. I struggle up, first sitting and then standing. I know nothing can stop me. I am a juggernaut who knows no end. I have beaten adversity. I have survived through things, that many have not. I can not be broken, many have tried, and all have failed. In death, still, I will not be stopped. I have influenced my surroundings, I have changed the world. I was there, and I have left my mark on the world. Dad, my dear dad, so strong, and still so unsure at times. You have left your mark. You too have influenced your surroundings. You have changed the world. We are changed forever, and it can never go back to the way it was before. You are worth something that has no actual measure. So precious, that no matter the return, you would never be sold. You mean more to the people in your life than any other one thing. Everyday, right after I have those painful, self loathing, self destructive thoughts, I have this thought. I am a husband. I am a friend, brother, son, and co-worker. Most importantly, I am a dad. I get up so I can be all those things. But more importantly, I get up so I can be better at all those things that I was yesterday. I get up knowing that one day, if I keep on doing, I may have the opportunity you be as great of a man that you have become. You have no price tag, your are worth life. You are allowed to feel how ever you feel, that is o.k. Don't stay there though. You have something amazing to do today. You have to get up so that you can be you, and so we get to experience the world with you in it. If you knew how I felt about you, how much I love you, there would be sunshine in your every thought. Now get up! Get up and swim, get up and bike, get up and run. Run like we are waiting at the end, cause we are, and always will be. I will always be her for you. Always.
I love you.
My son Peter...I love who you have become, and what you can still be. Thanks for sharing!
Love unconditionally
MOM
Sorry, I know I'm late but I need to say this. I really believe that the human psyche is built to survive. As such if you make changes in you life that are positive, it sometimes takes your psyche a while to catch up, even going so far as to try and get you back "level" by some depression or anxiety. It doesn't want your expectations to get too high to meet!! In other words it is your brain waiting to catch up with you heart's desire. So be gentle during those times and keep reminding yourself that it's OK for you to have the life you have chosen. Sometimes we even need to ask others to tell us too, which I think is what you are asking for when you whine like this, so I'm happy to oblige. I love you immensely and I believe you are entitled to the life you have...every second of it!!
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