There’s something lonely about airports and about airplanes especially. At least for me. Right now I’m on the way to Mexico via Houston, Texas, and as I gaze out the window watching the last bits of colour drain away on the western horizon I ask myself why I do this? And even as I ask the question I know the answer, and it’s not one I’m necessarily proud of. I do it for the money and for the feelings of self worth that come with having a job. Kind of pathetic I suppose but I also believe I’m not alone. Not that I don’t enjoy my work and not that I’m ungrateful to a great employer. For some reason it just doesn’t seem as fulfilling as it was before. I know it doesn’t help to take late night or early morning flights like I do, but it allows me to get a workout in on travel day, while not cutting into my work commitments.
Even when I am home though I have this general sense of wanting/needing to feel safe and protected and sometimes I even crave a little isolation. I don’t often feel the urge to get out and go places and I don’t even really look forward to having visitors. I feel most at ease in the very room where I suffered the most, our bedroom at home. That part bothers me because it’s not me, or at least it never used to be me. For most of my adult life I have been outgoing and sociable, enjoying the company of people when possible.
And because it wasn’t always this way for me I suppose it makes sense to look back at my illness and question what changed. I don’t believe it is an excuse or a copout to consider whether, and if so how, that time and those circumstances affected me. I truly believe it was a life changing experience for me at a level deeper than the apparent, and I just want to truly understand it.
I don’t know if everyone knows this little story and in fact I have absolutely no memory of it myself, as for my sake and for the sake of her own sanity Claudette chose not to share it with me at the time. It ended up coming out later anyway. It was during the first moments when I regained some consciousness in the ICU and they had given me a small whiteboard to write on. They had this stupid tube stuck down my throat so I couldn’t talk. I wrote one word on the board.
DYING?? ...was all it said!
Although no recollection of that moment has ever come back to me, whenever I consider it I am again overwhelmed by the enormity of it. Somehow I can almost feel the emotion I must have experienced with the thought at that time, without the corresponding relief I would presumably have felt when I was assured that I wasn’t going anywhere soon. Maybe….just maybe… because they couldn’t assure me, or more likely because I didn’t believe them?
Anyway, whether it was related to that specific moment, or just to the overall experience of having faced my own mortality I know I have changed a lot as a person. I don’t think I’m a better person for it, and certainly I can’t pretend that I’m a happier person. If a close encounter with the grim reaper is supposed to be a life changing experience, right now I feel like I have only the questions it brings, without the answers.
Everyone expects that you will have a greater appreciation for all those wonderful things in your life, and while this certainly has some truth in it, it comes with the reminder that all those things are going to come to an end anyway…..sooner or later! I find myself wasting what I know is useless energy considering how long I may live, how much money I will need, how many years will I be able to be active and healthy, and maybe the most telling of all, how soon before my grandchildren are all grown up and don’t need me anymore? It will happen.
So to summarize…here’s my question. How do I take the appreciation I have for all of life’s goodness and turn it into happiness on a daily basis without the lingering, pestering worries about the fact that It will all end anyway, and how do I use this understanding to make the necessary changes in my life such that every moment, of every day I do what I truly want to do? I know the answer is there somewhere, just as I believe that my life changing experience has the potential to be the motivator to get me where I need to be. I just don’t want to wait until it truly is too late and I really am on my death bed regretting that I didn’t act sooner. Tough question for me….maybe easier for you?
By the way, for some reason I do remember writing one thing on the white board at some point. It was in response to some friendly aggravation that Elly was giving me. I struggled even formulating thoughts let alone writing them down and so I tried to abbreviate when possible. It took her a few moments to understand my 2 letter word…FU was all it said!. I still feel that way about some things that happened during that really crappy time, but never of course about Elly.
As my question relates to this whole Ironman thing I need to discover the answers before I head to Penticton. I don’t know if I told you or not but very early on in this journey I made a pledge that I would not come out of this thing asking the question that many people do after they have achieved a major undertaking…..now what?...or…is that all there is? I now believe that I will have this problem as well, if I don’t come to terms with my self-doubts beforehand.
So that’s it. Funny how my return to philosophizing comes with my return to travelling eh? I think it’s just because I find greater motivation to challenge myself when a little loneliness sets in. At home there are too many pleasant distractions that keep me occupied and I suppose ultimately keep from finding the true fulfillment that I believe, or at least hope is possible. Maybe I’ll keep travelling for a little while yet. After all, as they say, “no pain, no gain”.
And I promise a less intense, more uplifting post tomorrow…maybe with pictures or something?
As to the primary reason for this blog, my training, I give you this today. My old body does not like it very much right now. It feels tired and worn out. I ran 20 km’s today without any problem and yet it seems like every body part hurts. I now have some tenderness in my right achilles which shouldn’t surprise me at all. It is an age old problem for me, but regardless I don’t like it. My shoulders are also sore, and my knee is still scary. I also smashed my elbow on something while changing the battery in my truck yesterday and so it hurts as well. Of course I also concede that it could be all in my head. With the exception of the battery injury anyway. That one’s real! Poor Peter eh? The next 2 days will be only stretching and strengthening in the hotel gym and I will probably be raring to go again when I get home. Let’s hope so. I think I need more cross training ideas to help round out my fitness, and help keep me balanced and motivated. Peter, have you called the wrestling coach yet? I can’t wait to get out there and kick your fat puppy ass!!
Cory, for you. While I agree that it can be wasteful to expend energy remembering shitty things, or shitty people, I give you this original thought. “Sometimes we need to remember them briefly in order to forget them better”. Make sense? I kinda like the idea myself. Besides I can’t condemn anyone to hell, because I don’t believe in the place. Maybe they’ll just be in Purgatory for a long time …lol!!
Hey Roo, this’ll make you smile. I just gave the flight attendant a five minute lecture on her diet, particularly expounding on the virtues of protein, and of eating properly in the morning. I think I motivated her to change her habits. Woohoo!! Aren’t you proud of me?
I wish to dedicate day 111 to my high school wrestling coach, Gus Hostrawser, a man I originally feared, but ultimately respected . Believe it or not, despite all my whining about the priests and the nuns, there were some positive role models in my formative years.
"Death row is a state of mind."---Doris Ann Foster
“I am convinced that it is not the fear of death, of our lives ending that haunts our sleep so much, as the fear that as far as the world is concerned, we might as well never have lived.”---Harold Kushner
....and I really like this one...
"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come."--- Rabindranath Tagore
but if George is right I should live for a long time yet...
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."---George
Carlin
love
peter
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4 comments:
FIRST OF ALL!!! This. fat puppy ass is gonna twist you into a shape your body is not naturally meant to be in, set you up on a shelve, and watch to see how long it takes you to untangle your self. Secondly, on the not needing grand parents any more. I regret to say that I did not have a great relationship with either sets of my grandparents. My mothers side was due to the lack of sanity that seems runs on her side of the family. My fathers side was due to the lack of time spent with building that relationship. I have sat and cried. I have sat and cried, because I feel like I have lost something that I never got to have in the first place. I wish that I had a relationship that I could remember. I do remember small pieces, but the really, really good stuff, I don't. Dad you are giving my children that relationship. You are giving them something that has no worldly price tag. Something that they will always have and need. Will they become stupid teenagers that hate everyone because they know everything and everyone else is friggin retarded? Of course, we all did. I do not believe that they will ever not need you. When they think they don't they will actually need you the most. When you are gone, they will miss you, and then you will give still. Your memory will inspire. Even if you die right now, the things you have done, the time you have spent, and the impact you have had will inspire. I do not believe you are done, and that means you will continue to create these memories, and continue to have a profound effect on the people in your life; Especially the effect you have on my children. You will never stop being needed by the ones who love you. Long after the bugs have eaten your brains(probably only take a few minutes....small brain) and the rest of you has turned to dust, you will be needed. The stories of your success will drive others to succeed themselves. The stories of your failures will steer them around those same mistakes. I have lost something I never had, I have been given something I never asked for, and I do not deserve any of them. Dad it's too late! Your on your death bed! You have been dying ever since you were born. So have I. So has everyone. I am sure there's no marker in the sand. There is no bar to be reached. You can't try to reach for something that's not there. When you think you've had enough of an impact on the world that you can now die, there will be more. You are trying so quench a thirst, that can not be quenched. Be happy because you are here. Be happy because I am here. Be happy because you can. I know nothing, and randomly shoot out my opinion, if it's right, or if it's wrong, I don't really care. I am just happy I am here. Reading the thoughts of a wonderful man who has forever changed the planet he stands on. Even if I tried, I could not discard the changes in my personality that have been shaped while in your presence. No one can. You are they way you are because of the things, and people you have been exposed to. Nature VS. Nurture my ass!! Nurture, every time! (And FUCK YOU!! To all who argue nature. You suck!!) Any way my point is... no point needed. read what I wrote and take from it this. You have forever been changed by me. If you have read this far, well, your fucked now! I gotcha, I have influenced you life, and there is no taking it back Ha Ha Ha!!! So there.
Dad, I love you more than the sun and the sky. You are, and will always be needed by the world. No take backs, you have already influenced us, and there is no changing that.
Hi there Mexico - You know you might have been a great philosopher if you'd just started a bit sooner. This quest to understand all your feelings and/or lack thereof is truly a huge undertaking and I hope you tire of it soon. Not because it isn't a noble and worthwhile thing to do, but because I believe this is too large a task for an old man. You'll have to go way back beyond your illness I'm afraid, and your reference to the priests of your childhood leads me to believe you already have. These are very big questions and even bigger answers and when you are dead you will be better qualified to look back and philosophize, and you'll have more time then as well. Why does it matter that you've changed? You were ok before and you're ok now. Why does it matter that you like the security of your womb, I mean bedroom. Stay there as long as you need to. Take pleasure in the people who come to you there and leave the rest until you change again. It's really allright to be that person, whether its who you thought you were or not. And philosophize to your hearts content if that's what the new you wants to do. I'm just not sure you're smart enough to come up with any realistic theories, and if you do, someone will just accuse you of making it up. That's what happened to me, and still I continue to theorize about all sorts of things. Have you considered trying some of your new theories about sleep when you're on a plane? I don't know if its planes or leaving your safety zone that causes you to become so introspective when you're on a plane - but this is the first real meaty blog in quite some time. I really felt I could get my teeth into this reply and I thank you for it. I love it when I have to make stuff up and if it sounds good to me you usually fall for it. I'm off to bed to sleep off and on for eight hours or so. All my love
I'm so glad that you have enough loneliness to challenge yourself and enough and enough peasant distractions to make your days meaningful.
I meant pleasant, but peasant could be fun too.
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