"My Identity"

Recently I got some advice from a friend of Corys, who in learning that I was trying to find some fulfilling volunteer work gave me this to think about. She said, "Tell him to remember that he is not his work, and that he is not his illness!"

Not knowing anything about this person other than the fact that she also recovered from a serious illness, I'm not sure in what context she intended her comment. I can only assume that it was an issue she struggled with herself, and presumably overcame. Regardless of her intentions, her comment really got me thinking. I have worked in industry for about 35 years now, the last 25 with the same company, and I also had a life threatening illness. Both of these circumstances have had a long lasting impact on me. I have been taught that there are 2 ways in which we develop our thinking and our habits. The first is through repeated experience, (my job qualifies here) and the second is through a significant emotional experience (my illness). How significant then to ponder the idea that I am not my work, and that I am not my illness. How can I possibly not identify with these 2 huge circumstances, and why is it important that I challenge myself on this, if indeed it is the reality?

It occurs to me that perhaps there is a tendency to depend on these circumstances, as opposed to learning from them and then moving on as appropriate. You can't, nor do I want to work in a structured environment forever, and needless to say I never want to get sick again. I think that the pitfall of depending on your work as a measure of your value is a common and fairly well understood phenomenon, but depending on an illness to give you creedence? That's just sick!!


First the job. Like I said, a pretty common concern and yet one that I am only coming to understand recently. I remember some years ago being in a position where I had to tell an employee that despite his wishes to the contrary he was beyond retirement age, and we would no longer have a position for him in our company. At the time and because I knew he didn't need the money, I couldn't figure out why he was so devastated by this forced retirement. Now it seems totally clear to me. He was actually a tradesman that had started his apprenticeship when he was 16 years old and had worked continually in his chosen profession for more than 50 years!! After that many years, a lifetime basically, he had come to identify his work as being that which gave his life value, as that which made him useful, as that for which friends and family came to depend on him. He had truly become his work! I think he had either avoided facing the reality that one day he wouldn't be able to do it any more, or perhaps he was oblivious to the impact it would have on him. I think the risk of falling into this trap grows with every passing year of "working for a living" and it occurs to me that it may be compounded when one works for the same company for an extended period of time.

I know that part of the how "I" value myself as a person is by how I value myself at work. I have at least partially fallen into the trap. For many years I have had others express their feelings of gratitude and respect for me in terms of how I did my job, and on how I impacted their lives by the decisions I made, and the actions I took as their boss, co-worker, or direct report. Even feedback I have received related to my success at work from my children and others around me outside of work, has had an impact on me. Why? Well presumably because I sucked it all up! Who is humble enough to not want to hear that they are good at something? Not me I can assure you. The challenge of course comes when you start to slow down this element of your life, when you start to think that maybe you don't want to work forever, when you start to think that maybe a simpler life is better. That's when the reality of your dependence starts to sink in. I am blessed that I am not among those who have been forcibly removed from their work situation due to the current economic climate, and also I suppose blessed to have the opportunity to talk to some good friends that have. Watching them go through the grieving process of being "downsized" has helped me to become conscious of the pain of withdrawal and the associated pain of not being wanted. I have a chance to work through it on my own terms and that is what I intend to do.


Secondly , the illness. How is it possible that someone can identify with an illness to the point that it describes who they are, or that it is a measure of their value? I think it is because for that period of time I became the focus of everyones attention. I am blessed to have a large family, an even larger extended family, and a terrific circle of friends which I made primarily through my work. Although relatively speaking my illness was a short period of my life, for close to a year all of that family and those friends(and even a few enemies) expressed a concern for me. They took care of me in every aspect of my human need. How could I not start to feel important? How could I not become my illness at least for while? Even today I regularly get asked about my health by people I haven't seen in a while. I realize that to this day I am still a little "hooked" on the attention. Because I have recovered my physical well being I now have the opportunity to leave my illness behind, again on my own terms, and this is what I intend to do.

“Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do"---Oscar Wilde

“A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses."---Hippocrates

love
peter