I was surprised myself. I still remember my first one. When I excitedly told Colby I had done 50 his response...."I could do a hundred"...brat! Of course when I challenged him to prove it he was suddenly too busy. I also put up a chinup bar yesterday and found I have a long way to go there. I can do 3 at a time, (the hard way, fingers pointing away with a wide grip) but I will continue to work at it. They should help me with my swimming.
As promised I went to ride the trainer this morning. I would call it a partial success. Everything felt good for about 1/2 hour, when the discomfort started. I ended up riding for an hour and could have gone more but decided to be cautious. The problem with this kind of injury is that it doesn't hurt enough at the time to force you to stop. Of course that's also how you end up with a serious problem at some point. I didn't go very far in my hour....well actually I didn't go anywhere as I was sitting stationary, but the computer at least said I had gone 25kms. I will go again tomorrow, and will also try to get a swim in as everything will be closed for the following 2 days. As I write my knee feels pretty good. Tomorrow will be another good test, but for the moment I feel a little hopeful.
Thanks for the offer of help Cory. Right now my next planned run attempt will be sunday the 28th. After that I should know if I'm making any progress.
So 2 days til Christmas. As the big day approaches I admit to being of mixed emotions. I am of course delighted to have so many special people to share it with, and also pleased that we don't have to drive anywhere since we already did family Xmas in August.
I have gone back and forth all day as to whether I wanted to discuss the negative part of Christmas for me. In the end, and because one of the reasons for this blog was as a cathartic outlet for my emotions, I have decided to tackle it. I refer of course to the "Jonathan" factor.
First I want to tell you the reasons for my hesitation. Primarily I pause because I do not want to put any kind of a damper on what I hope will be a great day for everyone here. And secondly I also worry a little bit about what people will think. Others read this blog besides my family and maybe there are some who would judge me weak and/or judge Jon for his shortcomings. But alas, I can't control that and so I proceed to try to describe my feelings.
It's just so tough to know that as I celebrate a special day with my loved ones that there's one person missing. One who's life is so fucked up that he can't participate in that celebration. And as his parent it is a gut wrenching kind of feeling to know that in essence he chooses not to particpate. Whether out of the physical need to continually feed his habit, or out of the feelings of shame for the things he has done, the fact is he has chosen this life and this situation. It is just so freakin sad!
In actual fact I think maybe I'm even more worried that he will try to get in touch over the next few days and particularly maybe on Xmas day. If he calls, then what? What do we talk about? What he got me for Christmas?? The only discussion I really want to have with him is the one that starts with "please help me dad, I'm ready to get better" and I don't expect that conversation for a while, if ever.
I'm also a little mad about the whole situation. I feel robbed. Why can't I have it all?
So there you have it, along with my apologies for it. I do rest comfortably in my ramblings knowing that you can simply choose not to read them. Or of course you can choose to read and to judge me. I promise not to judge you, if you choose to judge me, because that's ok.
And I think I feel a little better for having shared it.
I wish to dedicate day 97 to my nephew Jake, just because he's his mothers son.
"Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times".---Kate L Bosher
"Don't expect too much of Christmas Day. You can't crowd into it any arrears of unselfishness and kindliness that may have accrued during the past twelve months."---Oren Arnold
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."---Erma Bombeck
And lastly a religious one...
"Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ."---Bart Simpson
love
peter
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3 comments:
I too have shed a few tears thinking of your Jon. And I share your feelings of something missing. He feels so lost to me and I can't imagone the hole it must make in your heart to have him missing on Christmas. Never apologise for sharing those feelings of pain and anger Peter, because you don't have to carry them alone. We all feel them too if not to the same degree. I miss him too. Sometimes I just want to see him so I know he's alive and I can keep hoping. Its not right that he and others like him should be so sad and alone on Christmas, and even less right that we can do nothing to change it. It's hard to feel so impotent. I keep him in my heart always, and you as well. Much love
There was a time when I didn't know if I would get to have Christmas with my son and the only thing that I could do then was pray that he would live long enough to figure it out, which he did, to become one of the most amazing men I know. I pray for Jon to have the same opportunity and to take it when he does. We will all be there to support him through it, just as we send our love and support to you, waiting and hoping and praying...
I choose to be happy for Jon, not sad. "WHAT THE FUCK!!" Sorry for that. I just figured that's what most of those who read this are thinking, or may have actually said. I choose to be happy, as he suffers less than most of us who love him. I know this. Do not question me... I know this. He may suffer at times, and he will surely feel lonely at times, even when surround by others(using addicts, or those family members he is around that live in denial) Me may be sad sometimes, and he may feel guilt, shame, and all of the other useless emotions that are out there. But... I promise you this, he suffers less than his surrounding loved ones. I know this. So, don't be sad for him, be happy for him. Be happy that he does not have to suffer as much as us. One day, he will, cause when your sober, things hurt a lot more than when your not. I love you all, right now I especially am feeling love for my father. I say the things that I say because I know(believe) them to be true. I hope that they inspire, or in some way help to ease any pain. All the while I say these things, I also know this. There are no words, that will completely remove your pain. I am a father too, and even the thought of being in your position cripples me. I know one day, his suffering will end, as I am sure one day yours will to. I can only offer you my thoughts, my hugs, and kisses. Any time any place, if you need any of those things, they are yours dad. I love you. Enjoy your night. Merry Christmas.
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