They are a bit weird but then traits like that tend to skip a generation, and as such you can figure out where they get it from.
If only all my masks where as innocent as the ones these two wear.
How does it get this way anyway? How did I ever learn to hide parts of me, and perhaps more importantly why did I ever feel the need? And beyond that will I ever unlearn the skill to the point that I am literally unmasked? I wish I could say yes, but probably the habits or fears are too deeply ingrained.
Back to the why and when. Was it as a youngster in the catholic elementary school trying to protect myself from the scorn of Sister Michaela? Was it as a juvenile trying to protect myself from the more sophisticated "town" kids? Was it as a teenager trying to impress the girls. Was it as a young adult entering the big bad world and learning to survive while woefully unprepared?
While the when and why may be in doubt, the one thing I'm pretty sure of is that I wasn't born with a mask. I was born honest and transparent, and I wish to get back to that condition. Unlike paper plate masks, the more sophisticated emotional, psychological masks of adulthood take much more maintenance...much more work along with the associated stress. It's kind of like like living a lie. You always have to work hard to remember who you have been trying to be. I'm working on the problem, and while certainly I've made some headway particularly since my illness, I still have a long way to go. I am still sometimes afraid. Is it just me? If you dare....tell me I'm not alone. Of course if you don't I will never know. Perhaps you don't wear a mask of any kind or perhaps you are afraid as well??
I wish to dedicate day 224 to Adam West who also wore a mask, but only in order to keep the world safe.
“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. ...You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask."---Jim Morrison
“Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem."---William Somerset Maugham
....and though I generally try to avoid long quotes this guy(whoever he is) managed to say what I wanted but much more poetically...
“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all."---Soren Kierkegaard
love
peter
3 comments:
As Larry says (even though he posted it to yesterdays blog), you are not alone. I think the cause is probably all of the above as you have listed. I have had my masks ripped off by my children from time to time, only to realize that it was much easier to communicate with them or anyone else whom I loved without the mask. Remembering those good experiences without the mask make it much easier to do without it. I think it might even help you with that ever elusive "peace of mind" you are looking for.
Love old John
I developed my masks at a very young age. They were born out of a desire to protect myself from the challenges l faced. Partly l believe they were a requirement in our house. Hide behind the 'family' mask so no one else knows what is really going on. By moving forward in my life since my 'Challenge for Life' in 2001, l have re evaluated and redesigned the meaning of life itself, thus eliminating, the masks that held me back and kept me from being the person l really am, the 'Me, Myself and I'. The colours of me are now showing through, slowly but surely. My journey has been a rough road and l have a way to go, but l do see the light. One day l will have no masks to hide behind.
My masks are sown on. Every time I try to remove one, even a little it hurts like hell. I wish I had no masks, I wish I cold remember what I seen in the mirror when there was not a mask blocking the view. My masks are shields, scarred from battle and thick with guilt. I so want to take them off, I can't figure how. I hate what I see when I look at me. I wish I wore your mask instead. I envy you, for the grandparent, husband, and father that you are. Most would be so lucky to see you, when they looked in a mirror. I know your not perfect, I am not blinded by my love for you. I do strive the best I know how to be like you. I feel like I'm a fifteen year old bot that missed growing up learning with, and from you; Every time your near this happens. I hope that I can catch up the missed lessons. I know they are lessons to be absorbed by all who are smart enough to hear. I just don't know how to take them in and hold them in. Again I hope I can learn them before I have nothing left. I never want my son to look at me and ask why, is it his fault. I never want to think back and say what did I do wrong, like I know you do. I will repair myself dad, I promise, I'm so sorry. I love you, and dad. It's not your fault. I know it's not mine either. Sometimes things just go wrong. I no longer need to ask "why?" I don't need to, I just need to look deep inside. Hope I don't find an empty hole.
Love,
your number one son
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