And I don't know why but I was shocked! People get old and then they die! I had only spoken to her on 2 or 3 occasions but she impressed me with her wit and humour. Apparently she was 76 but I had thought she was 10 years younger. She clearly had a crippling disease of some kind but I never thought for a second that she was anywhere near her end. When I walked in the building there was a picture of her on a stand with a sign that said "In Memory Of..." It took me a few seconds to understand what that meant. When it hit me I started crying. What flashed through my mind was how much fun she was to talk to, and the fact I had intended to talk to her again. I guess not!
After that I had the best visit I've had there yet. I have had a few moments in previous visits when I felt a little intimidated by some of the staff. Most of them are great but some clearly give off bad vibes, seemingly meant to keep the volunteer in his place and out of their way. This feeling has kept me a little more reserved than I normally would be. Today I decided that I didn't give a shit! I was going to be myself, talk as loud as I want, push anyone around that I felt like (I mean in their wheelchairs) and go where ever it seemed reasonable to go. So when I asked Helen how she was, and she told me she had a tummy ache and would I take her for a ride in her chair, I never asked a soul. We just went for a ride. And I smiled at every staff member I seen, acted like I belonged there, and had a hoot. I was still sad about Marilyn the whole time but it was great to know that her death had given me the resolve to make this visit more meaningful.
And a half hour later I had replaced my crying with laughing. This was todays conversation with my good friend Mike.
Mike "There is one of the staff people here who's always on the go. When I ask her why she's in such a hurry she tells me how busy she is."
Me "I do that a lot too Mike. I'm usually in a hurry too, going from job to job."
Mike "Well that's just your ...ummmm...
Me "Personality?"
Mike "No."
Me. "My stupidity?
Mike (as his face lights up) "Well yes that could be it!!"
We both burst into laughter, and it felt very good!
As I look back on my visit I realize that up til now I have not been bringing that which I'm good at. I can, and will in the future, bring my charisma and my charm. If that sounds a bit arrogant no problem I can rephrase it. I can and will bring my juvenile antics and my goofy humour. I realize that I was trying to fit into what is quite a stuffy environment, instead of trying to liven it up a little. I look forward to my next visit.
The other thing that occured to me is that this is where these people live( it's their home) and this is their life. If they want to go for a walk should they have to ask someone if they're allowed. I don't freaking think so! Should they not, within reason, be in charge? Those that need to be locked up for their own good are indeed behind locked doors (literally), but that doesn't mean that everyone else needs to be locked up emotionally. I will probably get in shit at some point for crossing a boundary but first I need to find out where that boundary is eh? And then maybe we can even move the boundary?
Please think of Marilyn, may she rest in peace.
"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do things worth writing."---Benjamin Franklin
"Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again."--- Og Mandino
love
peter
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2 comments:
They do have the right to do anything they want! It is their home and should be treated as such by staff and visitors alike. I say if you're leaving the premises then as a courtesy its important to tell staff (not ask) so they don't worry when they find you missing. I do think it matters if you're being complicit in rabalrousing that you make sure you do no harm and that your friend is cognitively able to make sound safe decisions for themselves (believe it or not, most are quite capable.) Beyond that - have a blast, bring some joy and laughter and all the immaturity I know you are capable of - those are the things that should exist in everybody's home. I'm so glad you're doing this, and even happier that you're enjoying it. I have spent the better part of the last 20 yrs work life with frail, ill, incapacitated in one way or another, tough, happy, intelligent, mulifaceted older people, and I am still constantly enriched by every one I meet, even the cantankerous, nasty ones. Sometimes they just need someone to talk to and someone to hear them (listening isn't enough). I am very grateful on behalf of the people you visit because I am absolutely certain that you hear them.
Sorry I'm ranting - the subject is very near and dear to my heart. I have had many many vicarious experiences through the people I work with, that most people never have the opportunity to experience. They have an absolute wealth of knowledge and usually don't mind sharing.
Enjoy - I've never loved you more.
Woops, Happy B-day old man!
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