"Love Is All There Is"

I still haven't found the courage that I didn't have yesterday and as such give you the inifinite wisdom of my next guest...
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I remember feeling alienated often during my life as my mouth got me in hot water time and time again. (Anyone remember the gathering when I came late and there was a bet going about how long I would be there before I said F@%&?) After struggling with this for some time I finally decided that I needed to mind my own business and just learn to shut up! This was indeed very hard for me and eventually I realized that I was made the way I was for a reason; to deny that, was denying something valuable and precious about me…something that I did well that needed to be done in the world. I have never since felt bad that I speak up for others when they cannot do it for themselves, even when some people think I’m a bitch!! (and I never say F@%& while doing it,,,)

I spent many years feeling guilt and shame because others have helped me in so many ways and I had so little to give in return. I tried so hard to fit in, to belong, never with much degree of success. I spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others and never quite measuring up. I could never be the truly good person my dad was, nor the absolute saint my mom was. I could never be as smart, gifted, wise, generous, tireless, adept, strong, athletic, brave, agile, successful, confident, slender, social, eloquent, competent, as others in my family. It took me a long time to accept that who I was mattered. There is only one Elly for a reason…no one else knows how to be me!!

I realized that if I walked away from my children after their dad left that someone else would take care of them. So it was that I came to realize what a choice it was to love them and myself in the process. I have learned more from my children than they ever will from me. I learned that even though I did not love more or better than others, that it was my life work to accept and give love. I have learned that trying and perseverance count. I have learned not to keep doing the things that don’t work. I have learned that yelling never works. I have learned that affluence doesn’t make you happy. I have learned to forgive, and sometimes forget. I have learned that love is all we really have…that everything else is transitory and totally out of our control. I have learned that getting along with others, loving them in their imperfection and allowing that for myself is really the absolute. I have learned that we are all really vulnerable, and that knowing that is our strength, allowing us to open our true hearts to others and risking being hurt. I have learned that anything that truly hurt me during my life, also taught me something valuable and important. Finally, I have learned that grand kids really ARE the best!

I will never be as smart as Cory, Mary, Peter or any of my fellow idiots, but I don’t care because I think that the ability to give and receive love is far more important and the only thing in life worth pursuing. I have spent a great deal of my life not having a clue what was expected of me or what I was meant to do…what I was here for….although I remember clearly Peter telling me once that I had to come and help him and I told him that I didn’t have too; that I chose to. He said that I was wrong and had to help him because I loved him…. He was right of course, making the choice to love binds us together and my belief is that’s what we are all here to learn. Thank god I still have a lot to learn!

Thanks Pete, for sharing so much of the real Pete and for encouraging that in others…we are all blessed for it!

Love, elly

Oh, almost forgot the porcupine story…We had a pickup with a box on the back with benches built around the sides for all the kids to sit on. We were on our way home from church when dad saw a huge porcupine and stopped so we could see it. I was in a snit about something and didn’t go to look, but there was so much excitement that eventually I got up to see what all the commotion was about. Of course, by this time dad assumed that we had all seen and took off…just as I got to the back of the truck. Well, you can imagine, the momentum put me right out the back…I never did see the damn porcupine, cause I was so scared that I started running for my life and actually caught up beside the truck to get dad to stop. I am still just as stubborn today, but will eventually figure it out!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!.
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And for those who don't know, she's big sister number three. I loved her post with the exception of the lie she told. I don't for a second believe that she thinks I'm in the group of people who are smarter than her! And one more time on memories..... I'm pretty sure the porcupine story took place during a sunday afternoon drive...not on the way back from church! Probably someone will disagree?

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love"---Lennon McCartney

love
peter