"My Name is Teresa"

And I thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings today. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Peter’s sister. Yes, another one!

I start with an admission. I’m scared to write this. It makes me very nervous to have my thoughts and ideas commited to paper (or computer). I don’t know why this is as I generally don’t have any such concerns about giving my opinions verbally. I am afraid of what people will think, how they will interpret my words. Will I come off as stupid, uninformed, ungrateful or arrogant? With the written word there is too much time to review it, to rethink it, to tear it to pieces. I rarely comment on this blog, but I have probably written a hundred of them and deleted them without posting. My wish here is that most of you will read this and then there will be some weird computer glitch and this post will disappear, never to be seen again. That allows me to deny any and all parts that may be stupid.

So this all makes me curious about other people’s insecurities. Do you have them? Do you try to hide them? Where do they come from? Why can’t I make them go away? How do they impact my life? Do we keep them secret because we are ashamed or just because we think other people could not accept them. I worry that even my family could not love me anymore if they knew some of the horrible thoughts that pop into my brain.
I have often been heard to say that I am the smartest of the family and I go with that because I wish it were true. I can say it with humour because I am pretty sure that no one takes it seriously. It’s similar to insisting for years that I was taller than my daughter, because it was so clearly untrue. This insecurity goes beyond the personal to the professional as well. If anyone discovered how incompetent I often am at work, I would be fired today and never work again. (I am pretty sure none of them read this.)

One of the other consequences of this is the constant need for validation. I need people to keep saying good things about me to assure me that my secrets are safe. I suppose the good side of this is that in trying to keep up the good appearances I might actually be doing the right thing sometimes.

I’m also afraid that if I get Alzheimer’s I will no longer be able to hide the true me and I will be alone. My bad habits will be seen, my cruel thoughts will be spoken and my rotten interior will be exposed.

As I read this, I realize that I have probably done it again. I think I have written in such a way to try to get validation. Once again I am looking for someone to say that they don’t believe that I am secretly a bad person. Even the fact that I have written anything at all is testament to this because I am pretty sure that the only reason I even considered doing this is because I want all of you to know that Peter thinks I might have something to say. (Fooled him!)

So I am going to end here and send this out before I have a chance to change my mind again. This is my fourth attempt and if I don’t do it now I expect that I never will.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."---Abraham Lincoln

Live well, love much, laugh often.
Teresa
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I told you that this guest blog thing was a brilliant idea didn't I? I take credit for all of her wisdom! After all she's my kid sister...

"I talked about becoming stupid, but I've always been stupid. Fortunately I've been just smart enough to realize that I'm stupid."---Larry Wall

love
peter