Over the years I have heard many comments from more experienced (older) people about the wonderment of running. Usually it was their wonderment as to why anyone would do it? The generation before mine was of course much more physically active simply out of necessity. Anyone who grew up on a farm understands this. That I believe is the reason for their wonderment. Very specifically the reaction I have often gotten is "why don't you do something useful with all that energy?" While I understand this point it doesn't make sense to me to shovel out my 400 ft laneway when I have a tractor to do it. And so I run!
I run because it gets me outside in all seasons and all weather.
I run because it keeps my veins open.
I run because it keeps my heart and lungs strong.
I run because it improves my physical appearance.
I run because then I can do my other favorite thing....eat!
I run because I want to set an example and to inspire others.
But mostly...
I run because it keeps the elephant off of my chest! Just barely somedays but I'm pretty sure that it's the difference maker at least in the short term. At least until I can find the permanent answer. It is a very tenuous thing however. Believe it or not, sometimes the elephant even climbs on my chest when I'm out running and then I have to carry him with me. Sometimes this means I have to walk until I have figured out how to shift his weight a little so that I can get jogging again. I know this all to be true because I also know that if I have a good enough reason I can run all day...at least without the elephant.
What does it feel like to have an elephant sitting on your chest? Well scary that's for sure! Especially if you don't really know why he is doing so. Besides scary, it is very restrictive. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to talk! It's even hard to think because it seems like your brain isn't getting any oxygen. But most of all it is very, very tiring! And there-in lies the conundrum. If you're very, very tired how do you regularly go out and do the only thing that you know will get him off your chest for a while. Sometimes this really scares me, because what if I'm so tired that I decide I can't run anymore? What then? The elephant will probably squeeze the life out of me...slowly but inexorably.
I mention that a frightening aspect of the elephant is the fact that you don't know why he's there. I can't seem to converse with him in any language he understands. What are his needs? What does he want from me? Am I being he punished for some past transgressions? I've tried using brute force to displace him but elephants are pretty heavy and even I'm not idiot enough to continue that useless approach. I've tried puzzling it out on my own, or through analysis and research, but haven't found the answer to the pachyderm there either. No matter how I study my situation I can't come up with a good enough answer for this burden I carry. One of my approaches has been to look around at others to check their elephant status only to get confirmation that many people in tough situations don't seem to carry an elephant at all. How is this?
That would make it seem obvious that the elephant is perhaps of my own creation eh? Other than running, there are other easier ways to lighten his load but they are short term and destructive in their own right. A few beers often helps but I don't really like beer that much anymore and it only seems to cause the elephant to gain weight by the next day. And then of course there's Haagen Dazs ice cream bars but they have the added disadvantage of adding weight to me as well. I also have these pretty little pink pills but if there's one thing I'm afraid of more than the elephant it's drugs! Burying my head in a book helps too but alas, that is not a long lasting remedy either.
Yes, I live in an almost constant state of anxiety. I would be embarrassed to tell you the places my mind sometimes takes me. Items in the news make me worry about my kids..in ways too bizarre to share. I'm pretty sure I still earn my salary and yet it is a constant source of tension. For the first time in my life I am uncomfortable with my age....the ticking of the clock seems to be picking up speed! And I can give you a million more reasons for this state I'm in but they would only be more of the same....excuses not reasons!
Somehow couching this whole confesion within the metaphor of the elephant has allowed me to write the post, so forgive me if I took it too far. I can only tell you that it is a reality for me, although not one for which I ask your sympathy. A little empathy maybe and even a little wisdom if you have it...and don't say "run more". I'm pretty sure I have to do that anyway. Oh and send me an e-mail won't you? The ringing of the telephone startles me.
I have been having some heel problems lately and so today I decided that I was just going to stay off my feet and concentrate on some work I needed to get done. By 9 a.m. the elephant and I were out on John Wise Line! No walking today at least. Maybe It was because at about 5kms I ran into my wife and she proceeded to distract me! I suppose ther's a message in there somewhere as well.
But anyway....that's why I run!
"My feeling is that any day I am too busy to run is a day that I am too busy."---John Bryant
"All it takes is all you got."---Marc Davis
"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."---Soren Kierkegaard
love
peter
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4 comments:
When using your great analogy to describe anxiety, it brought me back to my day when it was really bad. It is exactly how it feels. This is definitely not a good place to be.
Who, what where and why this happens seems to boggle my mind. I have seen a couple of people come into emerge with extreme anxiety,totally out of control.
Is this becoming more prevalent? Is it self-induced?
I am looking for some input, because I do not like seeing him go through this kind of pain.
Sidebar-I do remember when Pete and I met, he had these bouts of 'anxiety' which at that time I had no understanding of it, and actually thought he was just being anti-social. He had to go for walks and could not sit still.
I love you, Pete!
Love the elephant...accept and embrace the elephant...be grateful for the elephant...speak gently to the elephant and be as patient as it takes for the elephant to speak.
As for me, I'm sorry that you are struggling with the elephant, but I will never regret that this same elephant makes you reach out and talk to others, share your pain and vulnerability. It is one of your strongest traits!!
I love you and all your elephants!
I think we are all apt to have our own source of 'elephants', uniquely disguised as various entities within our being. When my 'grumps' decide to show itself, sometimes life itself, can be overwhelming and balancing the everyday details of just being awake can prove difficult. The misseries of the world can be 'just' too much to deal with.
I find solace in having my alone time. Rationalizing my thoughts on paper by writing. I am also a traveller physically and mentally and l always seem to have an adventure on the go. I am not a runner, this works for some but l believe that as individual as we are, so are our methods of dealing with our 'elephants' or in my language, 'grumps'.
You are never alone.....
Hey Pete, I am really thankful for this post, as I too feel the elephant when I run and often when I am not running. You made me feel 'normal' if there is such a thing but I get what you are saying!
Stay strong, and thank you for sharing your vulnerable side. I love you.
Lisa xo
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