That’s how I felt when I got up this morning. When I complained to Claudette about how tired I was she responded, “finally!”, implying that it was overdue based on the intensity of my workouts over the last week or so. I suppose that makes sense and it’s probably best that I’m off to Mexico for a few days. Nevertheless I did manage to run around the block before I left this morning and my intent is also to do a medium long run while in Puebla. That may not be able to happen however, just based on scheduling. And if not I guess I’ll have 3 days off completely.
I gotta tell ya, that I also woke up in quite a funk mentally. I don’t know if it’s still an acceptable excuse or not but the other day I had a conversation with another survivor who complained of an ongoing struggle with life after cancer. Their time frame is similar to mine and he/she is not someone who you would ever think of as emotionally weak, but rather the exact opposite, a driven, successful, ‘A’ type personality. She/he also complained that people around him/her didn’t understand why life didn’t just pick up where it left off before the illness. While I know that there are so many people who have suffered much greater hurt and/or loss than I have, the reality of it for me, and apparently for at least one other person, is that I don’t feel completely recovered from my illness emotionally. Somehow I still need to work on that. Maybe in some ways the intensity of my physical recovery efforts have been counterproductive to an emotional recovery, or at the very least have delayed it. Certainly Claudette will vouch for the added stress that the whole thing has brought to my life….and to hers for that matter!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m only considering possibilities and I have absolutely no regrets about having undertaken this thing. While acknowledging that I still have work to do mentally I am of the strong opinion that physical health can, and usually does, have a powerful influence on emotional/mental health. Actually as I write this post it occurs to me that once I’ve completed Ironman I will be in great shape (figuratively) to spend time and energy on my mental health. After the race I want to learn how to swim better, I want to learn more about resistance training and how it affects endurance sport, and I really want to learn to eat better, maybe even try to give up eating animals! The difference should be that after Ironman all of these physical things can be done at a moderate pace, and as a complimentary aspect of my work on “self”, rather than a conflicting one.
I hope this stuff doesn’t sound like whining to you, if so that’s not my intent. I ask for sympathy from no one and only put my thoughts in writing to help me understand myself better, and of course for your amusement at my thought processes.
I know there are people out there who have a much better grasp on what’s important in life and who manage their lives better, but I also believe that no one has it all figured out. If you think you do, I would suggest you be watchful because any day now a ton of bricks may fall on your head! It did mine!
I don’t know if you’ve figured out by now how much I am learning to hate flying (lol) but clearly that’s one aspect of my situation that simply has to change soon. Claudette and I are going to spend some time talking about options when we are away, and that will be one main focus. Standing in lines, getting talked down to, sleeping in strange beds, and sitting in horribly uncomfortable airplane seats is just not working for me anymore. Even as I type I can say “here we go again” as I listen to the pilot explain why we are going to be a half hour late into Houston. I don’t think I’ll have a problem however as I don’t believe I need to change terminals to make my connection.
Unlike the poor slob that I just seen literally hammering on the door of the jetway, pleading to be allowed to go to Oklahoma City. His airplane sat there for another 10 minutes at least but they would not let him on. Then he started to get pissed, as if that was going to make a difference!
The frustrating thing is that I love what I do and I think it adds value. I just don’t like getting where I have to get, to do what I like to do! I guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too eh? Or I suppose we could move to Mexico? Then I could have my tacos and eat them too! If only I wasn’t so attached to my grandchildren….and just when I’m about ready to let my kids fend for themselves. It’s all Claudette’s fault!
My smile for today was this. Every time I have been on an airplane for the last 5 years I have carried a fanny pack in which I keep my documents, wallet, phone etc. Today for the very first time I needed to remove it from my waist and put it under the seat ahead of me. I just smiled and complied.
And with that I end my bellyaching for today. If I don’t stop I’m gonna get another well deserved lecture from Old John. Besides, I’m safe in my room in Puebla now and look forward to having breakfast with me dear friend Andrew in the morning. He always puts things in perspective for me.
I wish to dedicate day 307 to the poor man trying to go to Oklahoma City. If he was going home I hope he got there today…..not freakin likely!!
And I think this is my problem…too self serving. Also I may have used this one before. If so too bad! It’s a good one I think.
“In order to be the most total human you’re capable of you must serve something other than yourself.”---Leon Uris
love
peter
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5 comments:
I am not so sure that I would like to fly anymore than you. but if you want me to I will trade places with you on your next trip. Same name... maybe they won't even notice.
Great post. It actually did not sound like whining this time!
As for having it all figured out, I am pretty sure that only happens when you die.
Love Old John
Several things
1. thank you and jon for my fix on the eaves trough - with all this rain we're having it's been simply wonderful not having it pouring all over my steps, and I so often forget to say thank you - so... thank you very much.
2. as a cancer survivor myself I completely understand where you're coming from. I've always said that the silver lining of being sick is that you become the focus of other peoples lives and you are constantly reminded of your value and how much you would be missed - all the world seems to be rooting for you and doing whatever it can to help you. And then you are "all better" and people just get on with their lives as if you don't have this monster sitting somewhere in your body (or mind) waiting to pounce. The medical people go on to help the next person, your co-workers move on to their own lives, and the people who love you are exhausted and scared and need to replenish their tanks with good stuff. That's all as it should be, but it leaves you having to get on with things alone, knowing things you never knew before, and being aware of how much you still have to learn. Sucks!! Once again I caution you about working so hard toward attaining some kind of perceived perfection in that feeble mind and body you were given. If you get to the point where you never falter or backslide emotionally, where you never whine or get angry or confused or depressed about things, particularly life altering things, I don't think I'd like you very much. I'd still love you but I wouldn't know how to relate to anyone who has it all together. It would leave me feeling very inferior, and my self preservation instincts would have me avoiding that.
3. I want to thank Mom and Dad for the amazing group of people that are mt siblings. I am blessed to have some of the smartest, kindest, and loving people in that group, and through them the extended families that have come to be the most treasured riches. Why I am so blessed I do not know. And it leaves me confused as to why I am recently so tired of all the stupid things that don't matter. I'm tired of working 2 jobs and still having trouble making ends meet simply because I seem to have lost all my sense of budget, I'm tired of having one boob 4 times the size of the other and not having anything to wear that I am comfortable in simply because I don't take good care of my clothes. I am tired of being fat and lazy. and not having the courage, or whatever it takes, to do anything about it. I am tired of wanting things I don't have and tired of having things I don't want, largely because I have never really figured out what it is I want. I'm tired of worrying about my adult children who are all doing just fine, simply because I question that my parenting wasn't up to snuff when it really mattered. I'm tired of having to be within half a block of a toilet at all times if I don't want to shit myself ever since I had chemo 19 years ago, simply because I wanted to live
THERE!! that's whining. See the difference??
And don't anybody dare worry about me - I just felt like saying all that stuff - and all will be right with me again very soon - it's just a phase I go through every now and then and often seeing the words and how pathetic they are is a good way to get that ball rolling.
Sorry for rambling
much love - enjoy your flight home!
Hi Pete,
Thanks for sharing so openly. You always make me think.
I also, I smile and see your wonderful face when I read your thoughts.
xxoo
Deb
Life will never be the same after a life altering disease. Your body became a toxic waste dump from the enslaught of chemicals administered in the name of 'health'. The physical elements recover but the emotional aspect of this disease takes much longer. The emotional scars never really go away. That little man in the back of the head, reminding you of what was and what could be again. You are in the early days of recovery. Each check up appointment is Anxiety in itself. I undertsnad what you are feeling. In time you will come to accept what has happened to you and come to a place of inner peace. Living life to the fullest. Creating memories. Having a greater appreciation for life itself.
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