Maybe, I Am what I "think" I Am?
Or....and this is the scary one...
Maybe, I am what "others" think I am?
I have some thoughts on that, but first I have to refer back to yesterdays post to add a qualifier to a comment I made. You will recall that I was very tired, and in realizing that I have to be smart and not overdo it, I acknowledged that just plain brute force won't do it. I thought about that as I was heading out the door today to do my hill work. It was a bit colder again but still above zero. Regardless, and in the interest of being easy on myself I decided to break an old personal rule that said "shorts until the temp drops below freezing'. So I got out my brand new tights which were just waiting for winters arrival and headed to the road. Right away I was glad of the decision, and furthermore in the interest of self preservation I decided to even skip the hills. That's a very hard workout and even though I was uncertain if it was wisdom or laziness, I convinced my self that an easy jog around the block may make sense. But, and here's where yesterdays reference comes in; sometimes, just sometimes and perhaps unexpectedly there will be a time when brute force is called for. Today was such a time. Within the first few minute of my easy jog....I said screw it! I was going to run hard around the block or die trying. I ran the block in 35 mins, 44 secs! I've kept the time on my watch because I almost don't believe it. To put it in perspective the previous fastest time was back in July and was 4 minutes slower. Brute force I say!
Other than perhaps a swim tomorrow, it will indeed be a day off to rest my back. Colby and Kylie here I come.
So....I believe that "I am what I think I am" and yet how much is what I think influenced by what others think, and/or how are my genuine thoughts corrupted by all the other feedback out there? Such as....the bathroom scales, the mirror, the test results, the stop watch etc. I came across what I thought was a neat combination of words today..."self concept". As my mind and my body continue to regenerate from the whole stupid cancer thing I find myself regularly taking stock of both. And as I do so, I wonder about the great circle that seems to exist between the two, as they constantly impact each other. When my mind is sharp, when I'm emotionally stable, when I'm thinking good things, does my body respond positively, and conversely when I like the way I look, or how much I weigh does it make me more thoughtful and motivated.
In both cases I think so, and that's kind of what 'self concept' means to me. I know these things at least. As I regain my wit and my sense of humour and have opportunities to invigorate my mind, I am more and more motivated to train my body. And as I lose my body fat, and as I look better in a pair of tights I enjoy everything more. Ones own self concept is I think a state of mind, but perhaps just because I am a weak human being I know that I need to work hard to find as many reasons as possible to bolster mine. And maybe that's ok. Better I suppose than the self destructive path of finding things wrong with me eh. So towards that end I am going to post a photo which I don't really like. I look very old, I do not like the scarring around my neck, I hate my big Rooyakkers ears, and It appears to me as if my entire upperbody has shrunk....but my legs are starting to look better, my smile's still genuine, I can see(kind of) I can hear(kind of) and damn it...I just ran 7.4 kms I dare say faster than 99% of the population can, regardless of their age! So for today at least I give my self a positive "self concept" score.
I hope all my gibberish makes some sense. If not much, but you got it anyway, then all credit goes to you.
I wish to dedicate day 31 to my precious God Daughter Paula, who always helps me to improve my self concept.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
Judy Garland
love
peter
3 comments:
There is no question that mental health and body image impacts physical health and vice versa. I see it every day in my personal situation. Keep working at both, as you have been, and both will continue to get stronger. Oh, by the way I thing you look awsome for an old fart who has recently battled and won the war with cancer!! With the grace of God!!
It has been some time since I posted a comment because it has taken me this long to find an appropriate response to comments made several days ago by my Godson with regards to the presence, or lack of, a higher power in our lives.
Peter, you say your children are only the product of your beautifull wife and the rest is just division of cells? You are right; your wife is very beautiful, both inside and out and the two of you have produced two of the most perfect babies I have ever seen (with the exception of my own). Have you looked in the mirrow lately? Are you sure they are yours? If so, you must have had some help from someone!! GOD maybe?
Why do you think your Dad is still among us. Less than one year ago he wanted nothing more than to be allowed to succumb to his illness to escape the intense pain and suffering. If you can't see a higher power at work then you aren't looking. When he was found unresponsive and in respiratory arrest - who saved him then? Was it you? Was it Roo? Was it your Dad himself? I don't think so.
And what about your own journey Peter. A couple of years ago when you were struggling daily with your own demons you had around you a loving and supportive group of family and friends. Do you think all these people are in you life "by accident". You don't belive that God put them there, and kept them there to help you through your struggles. I know that you are very strong, both physically and emotionally; but you haven't alway been and those times are when your angels carried you. I know you are a machine; but who "gives you the right gas"?
You have been a parent for a relatively short time and your children have yet to suffer any major calamities. There will be times, I promise you, when you will want desperatly to help them, to take their pain for yourself. You won't be able to and then you will need to turn to God.
You say that it must take incredible strength to beleive in something that hasn't been proven. On the contrary, it is very liberating to give the power over to someone greater than yourself, or at least that is my experience.
Peter, I love you unconditionally and without reservation, regardless of your beliefs or none. I want to leave you with a short quote.
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." --Victor Hugo
love, Mary
I am glad that you have such a great faith in something which you can not see, feel, hear, taste, or smell. I do not have that same faith, and I will never will. I am a product of my own inner strength, mentally and emotionally. I have suffered greatly, and if it is at the hands of some higher faith, then I say to it, "I do not believe!" I have prayed and asked for help when I was a child suffering beyond belief; No one showed up, no one answered. I changed things, I made the difference, no god did this. I hope I do not offend you, this is not my goal. I simply wish to give my side of the story. There is no god here. This is a very sensitive subject for myself as well as many people of faith, and again, I do not wish to convince anyone or to offend. This is just my opinion, and having put my faith only to be let down, time and time again. I have chosen. I will not be moved. Every one is entitled to believe what ever they believe, and I respect that. I am a product of evolution, and nothing more. We are atoms, bouncing around in infinite space. Forever, and never changing. I love you too Mary, and I am sure that you will not be bothered by my opinion, having your own very strong faith. But to the rest of the readers that may take offense, take none. Instead take this. If indeed there is a heaven and a god, one day we will stand face to face, and then, only then, I will believe! Love you all!!!
Your are right Peter, I am not bothered by your opinion; on the contrary I respect you for being who you are and standing behind your beliefs. I look forward to the day when we stand together in heaven with the rest of our loved ones. Not too soon though I hope; I have a lot of work still to do here on earth and a lot of living and loving to experience!!
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