"Inside The Box"

All of our relationships tend to develop within certain boundaries. Sometimes they are fairly clearly defined as in a typical work relationship...you are either a boss, or a peer or a direct report and there are rules around how everything works. That makes it relatively easy to work within the box created by the boundaries that you agreed to. Although a little more fluid the same goes for a marriage, the boundaries having been established through your vows.

And then there's the children. It is so easy when they are young! Why? Because the adult makes all the rules, creates all the boundaries, determines the dimensions of the box. And the kids live within it because they think they have to. Piece of cake!

Then they grow up. The problem is that they still remain your kids and as such you still want to control them, baby them, help them and influence them. Unfortunately they no longer want to do what you tell them and the boundaries of the box get all messed up. That's when the boundaries need to get re-established. In many parent/child situations that happens naturally and over time, but in certain circumstances it just doesn't go as well. I know I'm not alone with this problem. I am willing to bet that there are many people who struggle in their relationships with their adult children. Maybe even some who read this blog?

I'm gonna try real hard to redefine my box and then try to live within it. I know it's the healthy thing to do . I think it's ok that the dimensions of the box change with changing circumstances but that needs to be done in a proactive thought out way. Not on any given friday evening when the child has gotten himself in his/her latest predicament. Thats gonna be the tough part for me. When you start thinking with your heart....the rules are hard to apply.

I don't know if I managed to convey what I wanted to tonite. I feel vague and uncertain.

"Principles and rules are intended to provide a thinking man with a frame of reference."---Karl Von Clausewitz

"I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me"---Eddie Vedder

love
peter