"All You Really Have is Yourself"

Yup! All you really have is yourself. You’re born alone and you die alone. If in between that beginning, and that end, you are fortunate enough to have times of human fellowship and relationship, then you need to consider those times as blessings, as “extras” so to speak. I’m coming to believe that it’s a mistake to take them for granted and expect that they will be with you always. In most cases something will come along to either modify the situation slightly or to take it out of your life forever and completely. The most drastic example is of course death, and I am grateful that other than for the passing of my parents, which we all expect at some time, I have so far managed to dodge the grim reapers efforts both personally and amongst those closest to me.

Yesterday I used fabric as a metaphor for life and I still like it, but I think I was using it in somewhat the wrong sense. I was considering all of those “extras”, all the relationships in my life, as the individual fibers that held my life together, and I considered the stretching and tearing as being the pain caused by those “extras” when things didn’t go as I thought they should/would.

I still want to use the metaphor but now I see the fabric and its individual fibers, as an internal thing rather than external. I see the fibers as those powers of thought, emotion, attitude, and commitment that I bring to my own life. The fabric of my being can only be as flexible and tough as I choose to make it. I don’t think that makes me an island, but I would rather look at those around me as my teachers and mentors that show me what I need to learn, rather than the glue that holds me together. And I suppose, to see them as my students as well. I have learned many things in my screwed up life and there is no greater gratification than being able to successfully share your knowledge with those around you.

Of course that’s all very idealistic and I’m miles away from there and yet I see the truth in it. I see it in people I know who just seem to be able to cope with constant change; change in job status, change in personal wealth, change in family status. I see it especially in older women who seem to live in great harmony even after having lost their life partner, and it would seem are only living out the string. I believe it is because their fabric is strong.

I’ve spent all my life trying to hoard everything I could with the idea that that’s where security lies….especially in relationships. There’s a school of thought that says that as long as you have your loved ones then everything else will be ok. I think my point is that even relationships can be fleeting and you cannot depend on them for your feelings of self worth or let them be the determination of the value of your life. All that has to come from the inside.

The other message I could take out of my analogy might be that if you don’t use those “extras” to strengthen your inner fabric you may gain the strength the hard way…..when you lose the extras!

All that being said I’m going to work towards that independence even while I continue to cherish those “extras”….my children,(all 5 of them) my grandchildren, my friends and my co-workers.
The hard one for me will of course be the strongest (and most flexible) fiber in the fabric of my life. For at least a little while I’m going to continue to depend on her. I think however as I work towards the goal of considering her a blessing rather than something I deserve, I may just learn to cherish her even more, while giving up some of my dependence on her to hold me together.

As to everyone else in my life I ask that you keep loving me unconditionally, and that you continue to let me help you in any way I can. Or rather than just let me help, ask me if you think there is something I can do for you. I promise the same to you. I think in this way we can all help each other to strengthen our respective fabric.

Of course this very discourse has left me feeling homesick after barely getting away. There's a message in that for me I think.

Please also watch this. My friend Mark sent it to me today and somehow it fits in. Thanks Mark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ya9BXClRw

And now, from all that thinking I have a pounding headache. I’m sitting on an airplane(could you guess?) and I left Roo at home this morning with some kind of flu or something. I hope I’m not getting it as well. I’m already battling a cold.

There will be no training today. Yesterday I went and ran steps at the arena with Colby, who is of course training for his CN Tower Climb. Tomorrow or Wednesday I will try running in the altitude of Puebla again. I will be smarter this time.

I wish to dedicate day 159 to my Moms sister who I only ever knew as Tante Zuster (Aunt Sister). A woman who committed her whole life to taking care of the sick and dying. Clearly a woman of strong moral and personal fiber! (please note that I left a potential opening for Cory to correct my spelling in Dutch) Let's see if she's awake?

“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."---Alfred Adler

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of."