Most people I talk to who have not had a life threatening experience, understand the idea of getting a second chance the same way that I did before this cancer bullshit. I always believed that if I ever found myself in that situation, that I would experience a great sense of freedom, and aliveness, and enthusiasm, and open mindedness, and fearlessness, and gratitude, and love, and gentleness, and kindness, and patience, and optimism. I would go peacefully through life with a smile on my face, enjoying every moment of it....
Well from all my bitching you can tell that it hasn't been that way for me. I don't know if it's just me or if it's natural to struggle for some time in my situation. I'm afraid to ask other survivors, probably because I will find out that either it is just me, or in my normal cynical way I won't believe them.
Despite all that I am truly grateful not just for the second chance at life itself but also for all the other "first chances" I've had in so many areas of my life. Chances that quite frankly most of us have. I believe, that it's what me make of those chances that determines our destiny. I personally have had the chance to learn, to work, to play, to teach, to compete, to give, to receive, to love, to swim/bike/run etc.
I also want you to know that the despite the fact that it has not been the way I hoped or thought it would be, that I do intend on making the very best of this second chance. I just need to keep working at it, and time will get me there. If I refer back to the list I made earlier I believe I have made some inroads, any yet have a long way to go,....especially in the areas of freedom, patience, gratitude and optimism. I am proud to say that I think my progress areas have been those of gentleness and kindness....of course there was lots of opportunity there eh?
Today was a no training day. I worked in Grand Rapids until about 2:30 and then had a 4 hour drive home. That was enough. Tomorrow I will have the "chance" to ride the trainer for at least 3 hours and I intend on taking advantage of it.
I wish to dedicate day 147 to the memory of Roos little sister Rachelle, who didn't really have a chance at all.
....and in the category of the longest quote I've ever posted I give you this...
“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that wheneverI decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.---Maya Angelou
love
peter
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A second chance, or a new beginning. A change in perspective, or new set of eyes. What ever it is I have been given it more than once. the first time when I almost killed myself through drug use, and the second when you almost died from drug use. Different, very different ways of dying, both with the same result, a loss of life, and the beginning of a new chapter in our ever expanding universe. I love you dad, and I am grateful for the second chances I have been given, not all the time cause that's way too much work, but some times. When I am, I am truly filled with an emotion that has no words or description. Thanks for being my friend.
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